Switched!
by Minnionette
Summary: It all began with an evil statue that switched their bodies. Now, physically weaker, Naruto has to cope with girlbonding and PMSing. That’s not nearly as bad as Inner Sakura and the ninetailed fox refusing to get along semipeacefully.
1. Since when are Buddha statues evil?

_ At first glance, it would seem that the smiling Buddha statue is harmless, being only a creation of gray clay, weather worn around the edges and the features slightly marred with time. _

_ But upon closer inspection, one may see that the smile is sinister, and there is a touch of something unpleasant and fiendish in the dark holes that constitutes as eyes. Alone and hidden in the darkness, it sits upon the topmost shelf with an aura of evil and so great wrapped about it that even the dust refuses to settle upon its visages. _

_ So it waits, as it has for many years, for the chance to unleash its unholy powers upon poor, unsuspecting sods. While it is true there are more dangerous things existing in the attic, things capable of killing even the greatest of ninjas, this one creates hell upon earth for its victims. _

_ Sometimes, living in hell is far worse than death._

* * *

Naruto's eyes narrowed in concentration. The enemy was strong and, thus far, fighting it proved to be futile. He needed his cunning, wits, and skills to achieve victory in this war.

The Dust, thick and gray and sometimes sticky in areas that were damp from moisture dripping from miniscule holes in the roof, was everywhere. It lay upon the heavy canvases that covered many a box and crate in the attic and covered the floor, except where footmarks scuffed and disturbed its uniformity. It was an evil Dust that had accumulated over the course of many, many years, silently awaiting for those foolish enough to disturb it from its resting area. A broom could battle many hours against the Dust and the Dust, with its great age, would win. A mere dusting cloth would become swallowed and doomed if reinforcements were unavailable.

Should the Dust be stirred, it leapt from the chosen cleaning utensil to another area. Shifted from one spot, forced to evacuate a chosen region, but never defeated was this enemy.

There was an entire landscape beneath Dust, hidden from prying eyes and searching fingers. Naruto had no idea what lay beneath the heavy canvases, but exploring was not a viable option. He could barely detain his boredom as it was, even if he forced himself to imagine the Dust to be a powerful opponent. He hadn't expected it to be this stubborn and this persistent, and he was bored, bored, bored, after the novelty of declaring war on Dust faded four or five hours ago. He didn't need the extra trouble of an aroused curiosity mixed into the situation. He brushed the broom over the canvas, and all it did was lift the fine Dust into the air. If Dust had a laugh, it would have chortled with morbid glee at the shinobi whose mission it was to clean the attic.

Naruto dropped the broom in disgust and looked at his comrade-in-arms. Sakura was using wet cloths to remove the Dust. Dampness, she had told Naruto in a superior voice when he first surveyed his dark surroundings, would keep the Dust from stirring. Naruto supposed, because Sakura was Female, she would know how to Battle Dust. As far as Naruto had always been concerned, Dust was a lurker that could be shuffled anywhere. He had never expected Dust to be so big and so, well, so everywhere!

_And _he was fairly sure the large dust bunnies he stirred whenever he swept under the edge of the canvases were breeding new recruits in some hidden corner.

Overhead in the eaves, between the outside and the inside, something stirred and shuffled absently. Naruto hardly paused in his cleaning – squirrels had a bad habit of living in the eaves (he should know; his bathroom was plagued by the furry critters). Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sakura stop, place her hands firmly on her hips, and glare at the large shelf that stood before her.

"These could do with a good dusting," Sakura said as she ran her fingers along the surface of the eye-level shelf. This was despite how _everything_ could use a good dusting, including the two brave, astute warriors. She stared critically at her finger, and then turned to Naruto. "You can help me instead of shuffling the dust," she said, with a pointed look at the downed broom.

Naruto stooped and grabbed the broom. "I am cleaning," he said defensively, gripping the handle hard enough to easily snap it in two.

"No, you're not." The look Sakura gave Naruto warned against arguing, so he switched subjects.

"Why do we have to clean up an attic, again?" he asked. "It's so useless! Konohamaru could do this!"

Sakura turned back to looking at the shelf. Various objects and boxes lined the shelves, but distinct features were buried beneath the heavy layer of dust. "Because we were the only ones Grandmother Puu could trust."

Naruto threw his broom down once more as his boredom and impatience got the best of him. "I fought demons and faced Orochimaru and Gaara, and we gotta clean an attic? Hokages don't clean attics!"

Sakura glared at Naruto. "Didn't you listen to Grandmother Puu when she said she requested us because we were the best?"

Naruto stopped fidgeting and looked at Sakura in surprise. "What?" Best? For _cleaning_? Nowhere on his resume (at least, if he had a resume) did it say he cleaned. How could _he_ have been chosen for cleaning? Sakura was okay, because she was Female and supposed to clean. Except, well, he _did_ live alone, which meant he did his own cleaning. Sometimes.

In all actuality, all he heard was Blah blah clean attic blah blah lotta dust blah blah tea, my dear? blah blah blah unsafe. "Then where's Sasuke?" he muttered resentfully, because Sasuke also lived alone. "Why doesn't _he_ help?"  
"Because they split the teams in order to fulfill as many missions as possible! Honestly, Naruto, in case you haven't noticed, our village _is_ almost in ruins because of Orochimaru."

"I know that!" At the loud sound of Naruto's voice, there was a brief but loud rustling in the far corners. Both looked up at the black eaves, but saw nothing. The rustling died down.

Sasuke had been given the responsibility of supervising and watching the children when the younger ninja classes took a trip into the forest to gather medicinal herbs at Tsunade's request. Naruto secretly thought Sasuke got the better of the two missions, even if it meant Sasuke had to handle runny noses, whining, and constant supervision of creatures with the attention span shorter than Naruto's. "Why do _we_ have to clean the attic though?"

Sakura turned her back to Naruto as she carefully began dusting the statues. "Because the attic is full of dangerous, cursed, and dark objects and artifacts from all over the world!"

That perked Naruto's interest. "Really?" That gave the Dust a more sinister, interesting identity.

Sakura whipped around, her eyes glowing with anger and her hands curled in tight fists at her sides. Naruto stumbled back a step, raising his hands to ward off her anger (and punch, should it come). "Don't you even listen? Grandmother Puu's husband was a traveler of exotic places! He was killed by a rhinoceros two years ago!"

"Huh?" Naruto vaguely recalled a wizened old man in the village, who used to stick his tongue out and poke Naruto a meeting such a tragic end. At the time, Naruto had been pleased, because he hated that cane with a passion. He narrowed his eyes at Sakura and tried to study her in the dim light. Was she still upset about the whole try-to-kill-each-other-with-Chidori-and-Rasengan bit between him and Sasuke? Sheesh, how many times did a person have to apologize before they were forgiven?

It was only a slight consolation to know what Sakura hadn't forgiven Sasuke either.

Sasuke stared at Naruto a moment more, and then turned her back to him. She began to trace her fingers in the dirt, drawing nonsensical doodles. Naruto wondered briefly what was the matter with Sakura, but he brushed it away with the simple fact that she generally acted like this toward him anyway whenever Sasuke was involved. The silence was uncomfortable and there was a tension in the air that had been building slowly since they had declared war upon the Dust. Naruto fidgeted nervously. He opened his mouth to apologize, and then changed his mind about saying that.

"Say," he said, "why don't we take the slates off the window and get some light and a breath of fresh air. Neh? Neh?" He smiled hopefully at Sakura as she turned to look at him. The only light they had been working with filtered through the slates that barely tried to cover the only window at the far end of the attic, and the air _was_ stuffy.

Sakura gave Naruto a small nod of her head and a smile. Naruto felt a sense of triumph and giddiness at seeing the smile; it being the first Sakura had given him all day. Together, they pried the largest slate off the window; the nails worked free of the window's wooden paneling with a high-pitched creak. The rustling over their heads began again.

Naruto and Sakura paused, and looked at each other. "Sounds like birds," Sakura said nervously.

Naruto looked down at the floor. "All I see is dust though."

"And birds don't roost in the dark." They glanced up, but the dim light left behind a barely-setting sun did not penetrate the black eaves.

"Is it dusk already?" Naruto asked as he peered through.

"Ugh. We've spent the whole day cleaning." Sakura looked outside as she stretched her arms overhead for a moment, swiveling her hips and sighing as her joints popped. Naruto glanced over the attic. The Dust had resettled itself in the areas it had been earlier vacated. He glared narrow-eyed at it. If Dust could mock, it would, so they went back to prying another board from the window. The nails pulled free with a louder grating noise. More light poured through from a different angle and suddenly, the rustling burst into a racket and the air was filled with high-pitched squeaks and black, furry bodies. One of them dive-bombed Sakura and entangled itself in her forehead protector and hair.

"Ahhh!" Sakura flailed her arms and darted across the room. "Bats!" Naruto threw up his arms to protect his face from the flurry of bats sweeping through the window. He ducked beneath the flurry and scrambled on his hands and knees after Sakura. She slammed unexpectedly into the stand where she had doodled in the dust. On the stand's topmost shelf, a statue rocked precariously as a red light flashed through its eyes. Sakura, cringing, buried her hands into her hair and tugged at the forehead protector as the bat beat its wings and squeaked in protest. Just as Naruto reached her side, the bat untangled itself and flapped after its companions, free and screeching with what anyone could consider indignity. Sakura dropped her hands and looked at Naruto.

They stared at one another. The tension in the air faded, and it left a sense of lightheadedness that made Naruto feel giddy. Or maybe that was due to not having eaten since early this morning.

Nah.

Sakura and Naruto burst out laughing, not noticing how the statue above their heads rocked closer and closer to the edge.

"I can't believe I was so frightened at a bat!" Sakura exclaimed as she wiped tears of mirth from her eyes. Naruto nodded and snickered in agreement.

The statue tottered off the shelf, and plummeted downward. Warned by senses used to detecting evil feelings, Naruto and Sakura froze in mid-laugh and looked up at the same time to see the statue falling toward them. As one, they stretched their arms upward to grab the statue. It brushed past the tips of their fingers at exactly the same moment. Naruto jerked backwards as vertigo slammed into him, an overwhelming dizziness that seemed to knock him into an unpleasantly hard surface and push the air from his lungs. There was a sharp tug, a sense of displacement, and then the feeling of falling . . . falling . . . falling—

* * *

Tsunade froze in mid-paper shuffle. What had that been? She looked up and glanced to the window. She had felt something an explosion of chakra, but nothing beyond that. Worried, she called for one of her aids. He appeared before her in a flash and she looked at him, trying to recall his name. After struggling a moment to remember but to no avail, she said, "I felt something explode. Investigate it."

The ninja bowed before her. "Yes, Hokage-sama," and disappeared in another flash. She realized later she should have specified what sort of explosion she felt.

* * *

The Sound Nins, perching on a nearby wall and exchanging words before they split for a new shift, turned their heads at the same time at the same direction. "What was that?" one asked.

"Dunno," said a second.

There was a long pause before the third spoke up. "Should we investigate?"

The fourth waved them quiet. "No. Our mission is to watch and wait for the right moment to speak with Sasuke-kun."

* * *

Everything was dark and so very silent. Naruto blinked his eyes and wrinkled his nose, but he still couldn't see. Had he gone blind? He rubbed his hand over his face, not really feeling anything except that his eyes were open. He lifted his hand in the air and studied the dark outline it made. The sun must have set.

Set? How much time had passed?

He heard a moan nearby and turned his head toward it. His cheek brushed against the wooden floor and he took in a lungful of dust. It tickled his senses and he clapped a hand over his mouth as a fit of coughing came over him. Why was he laying on the floor? He didn't remember collapsing. Did he? He heard a stirring. Were the bats back already? Another moan. No. The voice sounded familiar. "Sakura?" he whispered, nervous to disturb the heavy silence that hung overhead.

"What?" She whispered just as he did, and sounded just as confused. "Did we pass out? Together? At the same time?" Her voice rose with each new question, but fell back into silence.

"Can you see?"

"No." She was whispering again. "The sun has set."

"Ah."

Naruto finally sat upright and heard a stirring. Sakura was sitting upright as well.

"Ooooh!" There was a sudden thump as she collapsed backwards that made Naruto's heart race.

"Sakura-chan! Are you okay?" He lunged forward and a sense of dizziness swept through him. He stumbled on his hands and something sharp cut into it. The pain pushed the dizziness away. "Ouch!" He snatched his hand up and felt warm stickiness. There was a sharp shard of something—glass? Clay?—that dug into the palm of his hand. "I cut my hand on something."

He gently worked the shard free in the silence. After a moment, he heard Sakura whisper, as if she did not want to disturb the silence. Despite that, he could still hear the confusion in her voice clearly. "I remember reaching up to grab the statue, and I felt something heavy hit me and throw me away."

Naruto froze. That was _exactly_ what happened to him.

"And I don't remember anything else. Do you know what happened?"

Naruto pressed the bleeding palm of his hand against his chest. "Not—" He froze in mid-sentence. In a circular motion, he rubbed his chest, his fingers splayed wide and probing gently.

There were two round, soft, and bouncy mound-like somethings clinging to his chest beneath his shirt, the material of which felt different. It would be a lie to say that Naruto never had to contend with such mounds before, but these felt too small to be part of his technique. "Sakura-chan," he whispered, his voice shaking unexpectedly. He stopped, gulped, took a deep breath, and tried again. "Something is wrong."

"I know that." He barely comprehended the testiness in her voice amidst his own growing panic. "I'm trying to figure out what just happened because nothing is right."

Naruto's hand traveled up his chest, over the round mounds, over his collarbones, and up the slender column of his neck. Over his face—the nose was different, as well as the shape of his jaw—until it reached his forehead. It was bare, and a little wider than he knew was normal. He could not stop the whimper of fear from his lips as his fingers swept through the longer-than-normal hair until it reached the forehead protector. "Sakura-chan," he said again, "we have a problem."

The silence was now deafening, ringing in his ears. He heard the stirring from Sakura as she sat up again, and the worry in her voice as she spoke, this time at a normal level. "What is it?" The shock that followed was astute, despite the silence. He could feel it in the darkness just as surely as he tried in vain to control his panic. "Why is my voice different?"

Naruto's panic peaked and his voice burst out in a yell to address the situation that was most important to _him_. "Why do I have _your_ breasts?"


	2. Hush hush

Naruto's panic peaked and his voice burst out in a yell. "Why do I have _your_ breasts?"

There was a long, stunned silence that followed Naruto's outburst. His hands continued to roam over the body he was in. He wore a dress. There were the bandages. Here were bra straps. Eeek! He was touching Sakura-chan! (Yes _yes_! Ach! No _no_!)

"If you're in my body," Sakura's voice held the note of a person on the edge of hysteria, "then I'm in your body!" There was a brief rustling of cloth, and then a shriek of surprise. "I'm _male_!"

Naruto froze in mid-roam as his mind stuttered over the possibilities of that sentence. "Sakura-chan, did you just—"

Sakura leapt to her feet and hurried over the attic door where a thin strip of light crept through its frame, tripping over two trunks and one dropped broom hidden in the shadows. She yanked the door open. Light from downstairs filtered upstairs and filled the attic. She turned around. It was _his_ body, with an expression of unadulterated horror etched on _his_ face. His attention attracted for whatever reason, Naruto looked down at where he had cut _her_ hand. The remains of the shattered Buddha statue lay on the floor. The face was unbroken though, and looked upward. A glimmer of red passed through its eyes, and Naruto stumbled backwards from it in surprise. "Wh-what?"

Sakura bound across the attic to Naruto's side. The look of Sakura-like rage did not seem to fit on Naruto's face. "Naruto!" She pointed an accusing finger at him. "What did you do? Give me back my body!"

"Me?"

Sakura grabbed Naruto by fistfuls of her dress material and hauled Naruto to _her_ feet. His feet? He was in a body undoubtedly female (which, admittedly, wasn't really a new experience for him), but he still felt male, or at least certainly didn't feel female. This left him with the opportunity of creating a whole new pronoun regarding his accidental male-to-female-for-unknown-reasons switch.

"I didn't do anything!" He waved his hands frantically. "The last thing I did was touch the... statue…" His voice trailed off and they looked down together at the remains of the statue. Its evil aura still clung to it, and a shiver ran up and down the length of Naruto's spine.

"The attic is filled with dangerous artifacts," Sakura whispered with dawning horror, pushing Naruto away from her and pressing a hand against her forehead, directly over the forehead protector. "We touched the statue so we must have switched bodies!"

"Make it unswitch us!" Naruto scooped up a piece and held it out to her. "We touched it together, maybe if we touched it again...!" Sakura pressed her fingers against its edge, but nothing happened. Naruto glared at the shard in disgust.

"Naruto," Sakura said worriedly, "I think it has to be whole to work."

Naruto dropped to his hands and knees as he began to shove the shards together. "Then we'll make it whole!" He stared hopelessly at the pieces, knowing that he had no skill with superglue.

Sakura felt the blood drain from her head. She swayed on her feet as she stared at the broken statue. "What if we can't make it whole? What if we're stuck like this forever. We — we need to tell someone."

Naruto leapt to his feet to face her. In his body. "And who do we tell? Who _can_ we tell?" He laughed nervously, bordering nearly on hysteria. "I like you, Sakura-chan, but not enough to _be_ you."

Sakura nervously wrung her hands. "We have to tell Kakashi-sensei!" she decided finally. "Because he'll know I'm not you and you're not me!" Naruto blinked as he tried to sort through what Sakura just said. She hastened to explain herself. "We move differently, Naruto. We speak differently. We aren't the same, and people are going to know something is wrong, especially Kakashi-sensei, so we should tell him because he'll know what we should do," she added grimly. "He's our sensei; he's the person we need to talk to about this. There is _no way_ I'm telling my parents about this!"

Naruto stood up, clutching the largest pieces of the statue close. "Come on!" He marched past her with his armload of statue pieces and stopped when a hand dropped on his shoulder.

"Best leave it all here for now," Sakura said, "so we don't lose any."

Naruto looked at them and nodded his head. "Right." Together, they neatly scooped up all the pieces they could see and laid them out on a shelf that was eye-level to them. With that done, they scurried clumsily out of the attic, bumping into one another and the walls while trying to contend with new senses of balances and heights. As they hurried down the attic stairs, a wave of dizziness nearly overwhelmed Sakura. She clung to the stairs banister and waited for it to pass, gasping lightly and leaning unsteadily to the side. Naruto loudly demanded if she were okay.

"I'm fine," she said after the moment passed. She wiped her hand across her forehead and straightened her shoulders. "I'm just not used to walking around in a body like this." It was stockier than hers — more muscle, and the balance was off. She had to spread her toes wide and plant her feet flat. Everything felt smaller (but not taller), and she wasn't used to adjusting for new dimensions. She was acutely aware of how utterly foreign this body felt, of how utterly _male_ she felt at the moment, if this was what males were supposed to feel like. In the back of her mind, Inner Sakura was chanting, "Score!" and giving Sakura a thumbs up, as well as several lewd suggestions of what to do with this male body when Sakura was all alone. When Naruto did not answer, she looked over her shoulder at him.

He was shuffling _her_ feet nervously, but still managed to look smug. And to think of all those times and all those people who thought his sexy jutsu was useless; undoubtedly, Naruto had not originally intended the perverted technique to train him in walking around in a woman's body, but a ninja took advantage of what he had.

And Sakura certainly hadn't the advantage, and she wanted to kill him for it.

"Grandmother Puu? Grandmother Puu?" Sakura stood at the foot of the stairs and called for the old woman, but she neither heard an answer to her calls or the shuffling of the old woman's feet as she came to answer it. "That's odd." Sakura chewed the inside of her lip as she headed for the kitchen and Naruto wandered into the living room.

Naruto looked around at the furniture, wandered into the bedroom, found nothing, and wandered back to the stairs. He sat down on the stairs and scrutinized the hands that belonged to Sakura. The skin was far softer than he had thought (certainly softer than his own skin), although the tips and sides of his fingers were callused. He looked up when he heard approaching footfalls. Sakura appeared alone, shaking her head when Naruto stood up and looked expectedly. "We'll come back later," she said.

"Right. Now we have to find Kakashi."

The two Genins left the house, threading their way through the streets and jumping in surprise when a random passing person brushed against them. It took more than a few blocks to become used to walking around with bodies alien to anything they had ever felt, minus Naruto and his former experiences. When they reached a street that was fairly empty, Naruto spoke in a quiet voice: "Neh, do we even _know_ where Kakashi-sensei is supposed to be?"

Sakura froze in mid-step and nearly fell over for it. A wave of dizziness swept through her again; she flailed her arms and rocked back and forth precariously until Naruto reached out to steady her. She grabbed his shoulder and sagged against it, a steady comfort in her now topsy-turvy world. "I'm not used to this." She reached a curved finger upward to twist a strand of hair, except the hair was too short to do just that. "Oh." An overwhelming sense of being in something far over her head was almost too much in which to keep from downing. Sakura's head drooped and she leaned once more against Naruto, waiting for the sense of being overwhelmed and the wave of dizziness to pass.

A tiny voice drifted from the shadows of the street. "N-Naruto-kun?" and then, slightly louder, "Sakura?" Sakura jerked her head upright and nearly fell over. Hinata detached herself from the shadows, the tips of her index fingers pressed shyly together as she glanced coyly at Sakura.

"Oi! Hinata!" Naruto cheerfully waved Hinata over. Her cheeks slightly red, Hinata shuffled to stand before them. She tried to look at who she thought was Sakura, but her eyes kept shifting over to who she thought was Naruto.

Painfully aware of how timid Hinata was (especially with Naruto) and even more painfully aware of how her own crush on Sasuke was mirrored through Hinata's crush on Naruto, Sakura opted to smile brightly at Hinata and not say a word. Naruto, unaware of most things girlish, plowed into uncharted territory.

"Do you know where we can find Kakashi-sensei? Sakura-chan — ouch!" Naruto rubbed his upper arm where Sakura had administered a nasty pinch. She glared at him and roughly jerked her head toward Hinata. Belatedly, Naruto realized his mistake. He stuck his hand behind his head and laughed nervously.

"S-Sakura, I mean, _I_," another pointed look from her, "and Naruto need to speak to him."

Hinata glanced quickly at Naruto. Sakura gulped as Hinata's eyes narrowed for just a moment, and then the girl shook her head. "No." The sound of her voice rose just slightly, at what could be considered a normal speaking volume for her.

Sakura stepped forward. "Do you know if anyone knows where he can be found?"

Hinata blushed and dropped her gaze. "K-Kurenai-sensei may," she said hesitantly. She looked as if she wanted to ask why they were looking for Kakashi at this time of night, but was too polite to say anything.

"Do you know where Kurenai-sensei is?"

Hinata bashfully peaked up, blushed, and dropped her head. "Yeeesss." The word was slowly drawn out. Naruto scratched his head in puzzlement at her behavior as he quickly glanced over his body. He always did think she was an odd person. Except now he was seeing it from a stranger's eyes (figuratively speaking, of course, since it was Sakura's body and therefore Sakura's eyes, but at least it could be considered seeing from an outside angle).

Did Hinata fear the color orange?

"She'd be at the Wakkon Grocery at this time," Hinata said finally.

Sakura wanted to take Hinata to the side and talk to the girl about her feelings, except this was hardly the time or place to do that. Instead, she gave Naruto a hard look and tried to telepathically convey that _he_ should stay and talk to Hinata. "I'll go see if I can find Kurenai-sensei. Sakura, _you_ stay here. I'll be back in just a moment."

"Wait!" Naruto raised his hand just as Sakura sprinted off. His hand remained in the air a moment as Naruto realized he was left alone with Hinata, and then he scratched his head. Hmm. What did a person say to someone who was scared of orange? "What are your favorite colors?" he asked. That seemed like a safe question, one that he was sure girls usually asked.

"Oh!" Hinata looked surprised at being addressed. She smiled and folded her hands behind her back. Her shoulders were still hunched, but at least she maintained eye contact with him. "I like the color orange." Once more, she blushed and glanced away; off to the direction Sakura had disappeared, oddly enough.

"Orange? Aren't you scared of it?"

Hinata took a step away from Naruto in surprise. She looked at him open-faced, and then her eyebrows lowered as she contemplated the strange question. "Why would I be scared of orange, when it's only a color? It's a _nice_ color. At least, it must be, if Naruto-kun wears it all the time."

"So you like orange because it's a nice color and I — er, Naruto-kun wears it all the time?"

Now Hinata was looking curiously at him, not concentrating on the confusing sentence. "Sakura-san, are you feeling well?" she asked softly. "You don't look well."

"Me?" Naruto pointed at himself, thought quickly of what he should say, and came up with a blank. With an embarrassed laugh, he shrugged. "I feel fine."

"But you aren't acting like yourself."

Naruto froze in mid-laugh. "N-not myself?" He rubbed the back of his head self-consciously. "Heh. Why wouldn't I not be me? I mean, it's not as if I'm not Naruto or something."

"Sakura, I didn't say you were Naruto-kun." Hinata approached him slowly, her face and eyes filled with worry. Naruto leaned backwards, as if he could duck away from her scrutinizing him. "You — you wouldn't really be Naruto-kun, would you?" Hinata's face burned bright red as she stumbled backwards. She covered her mouth with her hand in horror, and angled her shoulders away from him. "You wouldn't be using Henge, would you?" Tears welled up in her eyes. "What a cruel joke!"

"N-no! Hinata! It really is me! Look, you could hit me, and I wouldn't change."

Hinata looked over her shoulder at Naruto, twisting her hands and looking mortified and depressed.

"I mean, hit me-hit me. Not with your gentle hand style, because that would hurt me, but if I were using Henge, the illusion would break, but since I'm not, I'll stay me." Seeing Hinata still distrusting, still ready to cry (and not knowing how to react if she did began to cry), Naruto dropped his hands and told the truth. "Tr-truthfully, I really haven't been myself, lately." Which was quite true, but only if one took consideration of how lately was actually just about an hour long. He tried to think of how Sakura would say this, what she would do with her hands. He clasped them before himself and twisted his fingers nervously, as he had seen her do so before. What was it that she had complained about earlier? "I mean, the whole attack on Leaf, not making it for the Chuunin exam, Sasuke and Naruto nearly killing themselves... It's been getting to me, I think. And then I had to clean the attic today and there were _things_ in there that, well… Bad stuff happened." Naruto's voice trailed off as he tried to think of the best way to explain the statue that switched bodies without somehow implicating himself.

Hinata looked thoughtful for a moment, nibbling on the inside of her lip, and then nodded to herself, as if she came to terms with what he said even if she didn't still agree. "Yes, these are difficult times." She turned her back to him and trudged away. When she had reached the edge of the street shadows, Naruto took a step forward.

"Hinata, wait!"

She twisted about to look at him expectedly. Naruto studied her face and posture a moment, and then smiled. "I think you'd look cute in orange." Hinata's face turned red, and she ducked her head as her hand came up to cover her mouth.

"Would Naruto-kun think I'd look cute in orange?" she asked timidly, glancing shyly at "Sakura." Naruto was taken aback by the question. When did this come back around to him again? Then he looked at her openly; orange wouldn't be a good color to go with her hair, but maybe it would bring the roses out in her pale cheeks. Anything might be better than the dove-gray she usually wore.

"Y-yeah. Yeah, I think he would."

Hinata smiled gratefully at him, and then stepped into the shadows. Naruto listened to her fading footsteps, and then shook his head as he crossed his arms before himself. If Hinata wasn't so shy, Naruto was sure she would be his number-one stalker.

* * *

"This."

"Nah. Gai prefers this brand."

"_I_ prefer this one. It's cheaper."

"That's a generic brand and it tastes like cardboard."

Long pause. "Asuma-kun, how would you know what cardboard tastes like?"

"You're being awfully miserly. And I don't, but it's pretty bland so I imagine that's what cardboard would taste like."

"Is there any reason why _I_ have to buy instant ramen for _someone_ who pops over at _my_ place to mooch because _he_ never bothers with buying _his_ own food?"

"It's not our fault the school never taught us men practical things, like cooking."

"Without burning down your apartment at the same time, you mean?"

"That only happened _once_, and your couch was the only one I was sure that didn't have mutated _things _lurking beneath its cushions. Besides, I've apologized about that before, and I'm sorry. But you're the only person who I could stay with until I found a new place!"

"There was Gai."

"Yes, there was. Except he never has any food. Even _I_ knew that. And those couch cushions I was referring to are his."

Sakura cleared her throat. At once, Asuma and Kurenai turned from where they had been jabbing fingers at each other and loudly arguing in the way that showed it was an ageless argument brought up many times before, and looked at her.

"Yes, Naruto-kun?" Kurenai said. With her attention diverted elsewhere, Asuma silently switched the generic brand of instant ramen for the packets he had in the basket her arm was looped through and resting against a hip. He winked at Sakura when she blinked in surprise.

"Er, Hinata said I could find you here, and that you might know where I could find Kakashi-sensei."

Kurenai frowned. "Is something the matter?"

Sakura felt her face turn red. "N-no. Nothing is. Why do you think that?"

Both Jounins were silent as they studied Sakura closely. She found herself shuffling her feet nervously and wishing the floor would open up and swallow her. "It's just that," Kurenai said carefully, "you seem different."

"Ah, uh. Well. Sakura and I have to speak to Kakashi about an important matter. It can wait, of course, if he's not around, but it _is_ sort of important."

"I'm afraid Kakashi is still on his mission and won't be back for an undisclosed period of time." Kurenai pressed a hand to her chest and then shook her fingers at Asuma. "Is there anything we can help you with? What with the teams being shared between the Jounin now that some teams are broken up due to a Chuunin graduation or inability to fight any longer, I am here for you."

"What?" This was news to Sakura. "Are the teams being split?"

"No, not being split - shared. Hinata cannot fight in her current condition, Shikamaru is now Chuunin, and Rock Lee's future of being a ninja is questionable at best. We have also been given missions separate from the team, which is why Kakashi is not here." Kurenai frowned suddenly. "Hasn't Kakashi told you this, already?"

Sakura vigorously shook her head and worried her bottom lip. "No. We've heard nothing."

Kurenai muttered something under her breath about ninjas incapable of keeping track of time, and Asuma nodded his head in agreement. "Well," Kurenai said in a bright tone, "now you do know." She once more looked concerned. "Is there something wrong? If there is anything I can help you with, anything at all, I would do so gladly."

Sakura shook her head and tried to smile past her once-more rising hysteria. If Kakashi was gone, what could she and Naruto do now? "Thank you for your offer." She bowed respectfully, and then hurried away.

Asuma nibbled the end of his unlit cigarette as Kurenai's head tilted forward in silent thought. "Is Naruto usually that polite and that quiet?" he asked finally.

"No. I was just thinking of that myself — Oi!" Kurenai spotted the ramen in her basket, and back they went to their interrupted argument.

* * *

Sakura hurried back to where Naruto was. "What did you tell Hinata?" she asked him eagerly. Naruto sat on the top of a garbage can, his arms folded behind his head and his legs sticking out in two different angles. The red dress that Sakura always wore rode up an unsightly distance on _her _thighs. Sakura snarled, glowered at him, and then yanked the skirt down. "What are you doing flashing my stuff to the world?" she demanded hotly, pointing an accusing finger at him.

Naruto blinked. "Flashing?"

Sakura jabbed a finger at the dress. "You don't show so much skin in public!"

"You don't? But you have shorts under it." Naruto lifted the hem of the skirt to peer underneath, but Sakura slapped him lightly across the head. "Ow."

"You aren't wearing this, Naruto!" Sakura grabbed two fistfuls of his orange jumper and shook them. "You can't act like you are!" Naruto looked down the length of Sakura's body, still puzzled. Sakura slapped her forehead and shook her head. "Figures," she muttered. She shouldn't expect much from the guy who transformed himself into a naked girl. "You and I are going to have a long talk regarding the way we act. Asuma-sensei and Kurenai-sensei both noticed I — as in you — weren't behaving normally."

Naruto nodded in agreement, a serious look on his face as he jumped off the garbage can. "Hinata said I, being you, was acting strange, too."

"They also said that Kakashi-sensei is on a mission and they don't know when he'll be back." Sakura was about to tell Naruto that the teams were now being shared, but decided to wait on. They needed to concentrate on the matter at hand. "We should go back to the attic and see if there is anything – anything at all – that we can use. Maybe some books, or some other statue. And we'll wait to see when Kakashi comes back." She peeked at Naruto through the blond bangs that drifted into her vision. "We _may_ have to tell someone else," she said softly.

Naruto scrunched his face up in thought. Sakura felt a sense of displacement, a shattering of reality, like seeing Naruto in a dream when she saw his characteristic expression on _her _face. It was disjointed hybrid of her and Naruto, because _her _facial muscles were not used to being used in such a manner. "And just who do we tell?" Naruto asked finally, his voice almost sulky. "Sasuke?"

Sakura entertained a brief image of Sasuke learning that his comrades had switched bodies. She could imagine him staring at them in shock, and then smirking in humor. She couldn't imagine what he would say, but she had a sinking feeling that it would be something along the line of, _Better you than me._ She sighed. "No, you're right. We'll wait until Kakashi-sensei comes back. Let's go back to the attic."

"Why don't we try Henge?" Naruto asked suddenly. "We could disguise ourselves as, well, ourselves and then we wouldn't have to worry about it."

Sakura slapped her forehead. Why hadn't she thought of that? "We could!"

Naruto grinned. "Heh. Let me try." He crossed his hands and folded his fingers as he closed his eyes. "Henge!"

Sakura waited.

"Henge!"

And waited.

"Henge!"

And waited.

Naruto opened his eyes. "Funny," he muttered with a puzzled frown before trying again. "Henge!"

Sakura crossed her arms before her chest and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Henge! Henge! Henge!"  
"All right, I see, give it up, Naruto," Sakura said with a resigned sigh. "You're using someone else's chakra and you don't know how to access it."

Naruto's frown deepened. "But it's there," he said resolutely. "I can _feel_ it."

"Like I said, you don't know how to access it. And I'm not even going to try with yours. You have a lot more than I do so I might accidentally call up more than I need, even if I could access it." Sakura paused in speaking as she watched Naruto's face grow pink with embarrassment as he placed a hand behind his head and smiled nervously.

"Yeah. Uh, a lot more," he said in agreement. Sakura made a mental note to follow that line later on, after all of this was addressed.

"And what if Kakashi-sensei doesn't come back for a long time?" Sakura asked Naruto again. It bothered her to wait without telling someone; Naruto may be used to handling problems without asking for or seeking help, but Sakura wasn't used to being that independent. She still looked forward to and appreciated adult supervision. "It's possible to be gone for weeks at a time on missions."

Naruto frowned. "But, Sakura-chan, who _can_ we tell?"

"Kurenai-sensei," Sakura said immediately._ If there is anything I can help you with, anything at all, I would do so gladly. _Sakura knew the Jounin meant it; she had seen the sincerity in the woman's eyes, even if Asuma was distracting.

Naruto scrunched his face up in thought. "Who?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Kurenai-sensei's the Jounin instructor for Hinata, Kiba, and Shino."

"Oh. The one with the freaky red eyes."

Sakura put her hands on her hips. _You're one to talk,_ she thought agitatedly, all too aware of the whisker-like markings on _his_ face. "She said the teams are being shared now, because Hinata can't fight, Lee may not be able to be a shinobi, and Shikamaru isn't a Genin anymore. The teams are all lopsided and the leaders also have missions separate from the Genins. So we're being shared now, and so she's someone we could tell, as well as Gai-sensei and Asuma-sensei."

Naruto resolutely shook his head. "But, I — Sakura-chan, it doesn't feel right to tell them."

"There's also Iruka-sensei," Sakura added quickly, hoping to crack Naruto's stubbornness at keeping everything secret. "He knows us and we know him. We can tell him, right?" Naruto looked uncertain, so Sakura pushed even further. "Naruto, we can't even use our chakra, we're in two different bodies — as ninja, we're pathetic! We couldn't be able to fight!"

"Three days!" Naruto stubbornly held up three fingers. "What is the point of telling them if we can find something in the attic that will change us back? Let's look for three days first and if Kakashi-sensei isn't back, we can tell the one with freaky red eyes. But, Sakura-chan," he added, his stubbornness becoming nervousness, "they wouldn't send our team leaders away for a long time, would they? So Kakashi-sensei has to be back soon."

"I don't know, Naruto. They're sharing the teams for a reason. But at this point, we don't even _know_ if there _is_ anything in the attic to help us."

"Which is why we gotta look. Why would the old man keep something as dangerous as that stupid statue in his attic if there's nothing to counter it?"  
Sakura opened her mouth to retort, but fell silent as she considered that. If they did tell, even the older Jounin may not know what to do or where to look. To worsen matters, it might remove interest from the attic, and if the cure was there, they could be sending people on a wild-goose chase and it would be a useless bother. Sakura struggled with the issue to hand this momentous problem off to someone who was more likely to know what to do, versus demanding attention from people who were needed to help in the effort of rebuilding Konoha. In the end, the problem that was so gigantic for her and Naruto was probably nothing compared to the rest of the village. "Three days," she said finally.

"Beginning tomorrow," Naruto added.

Sakura glared at him. "That's pushing it."

"We need at least one day to search the attic besides tonight — and, Sakura-chan, we _do_ still have to finish cleaning it."

Sakura rubbed her head. She wasn't too sure if she could be Naruto for three days and have no one suspect a thing. "Two days," she said, holding two fingers up. "If we find nothing then, we can spend the third day trying to explain everything to Kurenai-sensei. This is the sort of problem that may have to be explained six times over before anyone understands, and we may have to produce proof that this did happen."

Naruto appeared to argue the matter once more, so Sakura made a plea to his crush. Normally, this wasn't something she did, except she felt desperate, tired, and confused. "Please, Naruto, do this for _me_."

He hesitated, and then nodded his head reluctantly. "Two days," he said. "Starting tomorrow, though."

Sakura smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you." 


	3. What mysteries an attic holds

Perhaps searching an attic filled with items of questionable abilities wasn't one of Sakura's brighter ideas. Amidst normal-looking paraphernalia was a mink fur coat that tried to take a bite out of Naruto (who now had tooth marks on his Leaf's forehead protector, and mussed-up pink hair), a box of moving black and white obscene photos, a mirror where their reflections independently operated on their own thoughts (Naruto's reflection kept blowing raspberries and making vulgar gestures, while Sakura's mooned the two real Genins), and a music box that played sleep-inducing music. Sakura barely managed to close the music box before she and Naruto would have collapsed into sleep.

"There ought to be warning labels on these things," Naruto muttered from where he was beating down a flying carpet with his broom. Sakura was too busy trying to detach a stuffed monkey that was clinging to her leg and crying "Papa! Papa!" in a loud voice to tell Naruto this was exactly why Grandmother Puu had requested specifically for Sakura and Naruto — because the old woman had thought they were best suited to face such dangerous and powerful artifacts. Naruto had the strength to fight them off, and Sakura had the level-headedness to see to it that Naruto stayed out of trouble.

They threw back the canopies, clouds of thick dust rising in the air. Coughing and choking, they often made their way to the open window for a breath of fresh air. The only light came through the window, the open door leading from the attic, and the two candles Sakura and Naruto managed to find. They sorted through various boxes and trunks for something that could give them a clue. In the far corner of a room, Naruto discovered a trunk surrounded by a chain. The lock, rusted and old, crumbled into dust in his hands and the chain fell off. When he opened the lid, shadowy tendrils leapt out to wrap around and drag him within before the lid slammed shut.

"Naruto!" Sakura hurried over the trunk as it rattled and shook. Just as she reached it, the lid popped open and Naruto was spat out with a loud, "Yuck!" from the trunk. The lid slammed shut and the trunk, leaping on its four pegs as legs, dashed across the attic floor and jumped out the window. Sakura hurried over to the window and looked out of it to see the trunk disappearing into the distance, moving almost as if dancing with glee. She hurried back over to Naruto's side and helped him sit upright from where he was sprawled on his back, his eyes unfocused and his face pasty white. Large, bleeding tooth marks lined the inside of his arm where a mouth of razor sharp teeth had nipped him.

"Naruto, are you okay? What happened?"

Naruto slowly rubbed his arm before clenching his hand directly above the wound at his elbow. "That thing was about to _eat_ me until it got a taste of _you_!"

Sakura didn't know if she wanted to be grateful her body wasn't food for some trunk, or upset that she would be found _distasteful_.

The stuffed monkey from earlier scuttled across the floor and once more attached itself to Sakura's leg. "Papa! Papa!"

Naruto glared down at it. "Do you mind?"

The stuffed monkey turned its head and looked up at Naruto with eyes of black glass. For a moment, it looked as if confusion flashed through its eyes. "Mama?" it said.

Naruto did a double take of surprise and scooted backwards on his rear, no longer concerned with his wound. "I'm not your mama!"

"Mama!" The stuffed monkey released Sakura and scuttled after Naruto. Naruto leapt to his feet and darted forward, only to trip over another box. He pitched forward and fell on his face, tipping the box over and spilling its content of books. The stuffed monkey jumped into the air and landed on Naruto's back. It wrapped its stuffed arms around Naruto's neck and snuggled close. "Mama! Mama!"

Naruto buried his face in his hands with a moan.

* * *

"Oi." The first Sound-nin, a six-armed man, looked at the second Sound-nin. "Do you hear something?"  
"Hmm?" The second Sound-nin, a detestable air around her lending the image of one with an attitude that would have rivaled Sasuke's, barely glanced up from her handful of cards. She appeared to listen for a moment before slapping down a pair of cards face-up on the ground. "The wind is shuffling the leaves. Nothing to worry about. Gotta eight?"

"No. Go fish."

With a click of her tongue against her teeth, the second Sound-nin reached down and snatched up a card from the haphazard pile strewn between them with more viciousness than the cards deserved. "I'm bored. One would think that the kid would be more depressed with how that fox-brat one-upped him. So why did we just trailed him all day while he wiped snotty noses and kissed bruised knees instead of talking to him?"

"Orders are orders. We watch. Gotta two?"

"No. Go fish."

One of the six hands reached down to grasp a free card. It was tucked into the fan of cards he held with two other hands. "Are you sure you don't hear something? Because I know I do."

"Gotta four?" The first Sound-nin handed the requested card over. The other rearranged her cards as she pulled a pair out and slapped it to the ground. "Nope. What does it sound like?"

"Gotta eight?"

The second Sound-nin looked up from her cards. She glared at her companion coldly. "I asked that earlier and you denied having it," she said in a dangerous voice. The first Sound-nin shrugged, not caring how upset the second may be.

"I drew it when you told me to go fish for a two."

"Right." If sarcasm could kill, the man would have been died six ways to Sunday with no hope in reincarnating even as a worm. She threw the card at him. "I hate playing you. I think you cheat."

"Do not. It sounds like the pitter-patter of feet, like a horse tromping through the woods."

The second Sound-nin listened. Her eyes narrowed again, this time in concentration instead of annoyance. "You're right." She laid her cards down, face-down, and looked over her shoulder. Her eyes scanned the surrounding brush and looked upward at the sky where moonlight from a quarter-moon drifted through the canopy of leaves. "I do hear something." They stood up together. "When are the others supposed to come back?"  
"Soon."

That was when a trunk burst from the bushes and fell upon the Sound-nins, gnarling and gnashing its many teeth.

No one heard the screams.

* * *

"I am not your mama!"

"Mama! Mama! Mama!"

"Sakura-chan," she hunched her shoulders against Naruto's whining, "it won't listen to me!"

"Mama! Papa! Mama! Papa!"

Sakura tried not to any pay heed the dancing stuffed monkey and the whining Naruto-turned-Sakura as she crouched beside the box of books Naruto had tipped over. She swept a hand over the covers and glanced over the books. "101 ways to skin a cat," she read loudly as she picked up one; she flipped through the pages and saw some gruesome pictures of skinned cats. "Eeew." She set it off to the side. "Snow-white and Rose-red: the untold tale of a lesbian love."

"What's a lesbian?" Naruto asked from where he was batting away the stuffed monkey, which tried to scale his back in excited glee. Staring at the cover, Sakura felt her face glow red. She quickly placed the book under the _101 ways to skin a cat_ before Naruto could ask again. But he did anyway. "What's a les—"

"It's like a thespian, but not! Here." Sakura thrust a heavy book into his hands. "Read this and tell me if there's anything useful in it." She hoped it wasn't the sort of book that Kakashi-sensei read.

Naruto squinted his eyes as he opened the book and flipped through its pages. "Hmm. Hmm. Ack!" The book shook in his hands and he dropped it abruptly, leaning backwards on his knees. The monkey, seated on his shoulder, watched in avid interest as the book quaked, its pages flipping back and forth wildly. A twisted hand clawed its way free of the wriggling words and took a wild grasp at him. Naruto stood up, grabbed the heaviest thing he saw (a gigantic iron wok that gurgled and smoked orange fumes) and repeatedly slammed it down hard upon the book. The book screamed and the hand, pounded beneath the wok, spasmed and clawed at the wooden floor before finally becoming limp and lifeless. Naruto, breathing heavily, pressed his hand against his pounding heart and took a deep breath of relief as he dropped the wok squarely upon the book.

"Mama?" The stuffed monkey grabbed a pawful of pink hair and pulled itself higher on Naruto's shoulder. Its little tail twisted as it leaned closer to Naruto. "Mama?" Its voice was softer and its eyes were filled with something that Sakura was pressed to call love.

Naruto opened his mouth to tell the stuffed monkey off, but stopped as the monkey's lower jaw began to tremble and its eyes — glass buttons! — welled up with tears. He sighed. "Welcome to the family," he muttered, roughly patting the monkey on the head. The monkey squealed in happy glee and clung harder to the shoulder and pink hair.

"Mama!"

Naruto pointed at Sakura. "That's Mama. I'm Papa." In all rationality, stuffed monkeys were incapable of giving people dirty looks (as well as prancing around and calling people Mama and Papa), but that was what the stuffed monkey did. It jumped from Naruto's shoulder in disgust and climbed up the neat stack of books Sakura made from what she had already looked at. The monkey watched Sakura with avid interest, pointedly ignoring Naruto.

Sakura looked up from the pile of books, more cautiously exploring it since she had not only seen Naruto "kill" the book, but also the deep marks the fingers scoured into the wood when it clawed. After a brief moment of hesitance, Naruto joined her. No more books attacked the two as they were sifted through in silence. It was broken only with the occasional, "Meep!" from Sakura as her face would glow bright red from some of the books she looked at. Naruto didn't see what was so embarrassing about them. The ones he got to look out mostly consisted of cooking (of course, that _83 ways to bake, boil, and baste human organs_ was probably more than he expected) and machinery (the one on nu-clee-er power detonations from _the_ _Dummy's Guide to Building Your Own Bomb from Ordinary, Everyday Ingredients obtained at the Local Wal-Mart_ was interesting. Not that he knew what a Wal-mart was, but the pictures were neat).

At the far bottom of the pile, with what looked to be only a hundred pages, was a battered and worn book with a leather cover. Naruto picked it up and carefully wiped the dust from it. He squinted his eyes at the faded letters and slowly read them out loud. "Love Potion #9 and other great mysteries of the Universe." Switching bodies had to be a great mystery. He opened the cover and looked at the faded table of contents. He barely made out the kanji, _jutsu_. Ah! Even if this book didn't contain the solution to their problem, he could still learn a few new things.

"Anything yet?" Sakura asked him quietly. Naruto looked up from his book, surprised at the sound of _his_ voice.

"I don't know," he answered truthfully. "This book may have something."

"It's getting awfully late," Sakura said as she pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She rested her chin in the crook and regarded Naruto with tired eyed. "We'll have to come back tomorrow and finish looking."

Naruto looked around the attic. "And cleaning," he added as he waved his hand in the general vicinity. While he and Sakura hadn't exactly ransacked the attic in their search for a cure for their predicament, they certainly hadn't been too neat about it. The dust had been disturbed so thoroughly that they were both gray from head to toe, and the canvases were sloppily thrown in various corners and crooks. In short, they had failed at their mission to clean the attic.

"What will we tell Grandmother Puu?" Sakura regarded her surroundings as Naruto stood up and put his hands over his head, knitting his fingers together and stretching until he felt his spinal column crack. "Well, there was too much to do in one day," Sakura said finally. She stood up too, and the stuffed monkey crouched and leapt from its stack of books to her shoulder.

"Papa!"  
Sakura giggled as the stuffed monkey nuzzled her throat. "We need a name for you," she told it affectionately as she tapped it on the nose.

"How about Annoying?" Naruto asked as he glowered at the stuffed monkey.

It blew a raspberry at him.

"What? Why you—!"

"Naruto!" Sakura held her hand up in the universal sign for Stop. "You leave the little monkey alone!"

"But, Sakura-chan—"

"No." Sakura looked at the stuffed monkey as she rubbed the stuffed monkey's chin. "She needs a name. What should we call her?"

"She?"

Sakura glared at Naruto. "Yes. She."

Naruto glanced to the side, somehow pouting and sulking at the same time.

"Hmmm. How about, M-chan!"

Naruto thought about that. "M-chan?" he asked under his breath in disbelief.

"Yes. M-chan is a good name."

Naruto glared at 'M-chan,' who smirked smugly as him. "Ugh." He turned his head away. "Let's go then," he said, heading for the door. Sakura followed, and closed the attic door behind them. Although the lights in the house were on, Grandmother Puu was still not present. Sakura left a note (smudged with dust) on the kitchen table where she hoped Grandmother Puu would see it and read how they would be back later the next day.

"Where's home?" Naruto asked as they stood outside in the street, both looking up at the stars and moon overheard. M-chan looked around in delight, clinging to Sakura's blond hair and bobbing her head and tail excitedly. "Your home. Should I worry about your parents?"

Sakura looked at Naruto in shock.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"Home?" Her voice was a tiny whisper as she suddenly realized that if they weren't going to tell anyone but Kakashi, then certainly they couldn't tell her parents. She wasn't sure how they would react, because they had been rather upset to learn that Uzumaki Naruto was to be her teammate, which was barely outweighed by the greater pride of being taught with Uchiha Sasuke and by copy-ninja Hakashi Kakashi. Although she had never been able to learn why, her parents had an underlying and unexplained bitterness toward Naruto.

Somehow, Sakura felt as if she was sending the lamb into the lion's den. "Naruto," she said, just before they parted ways, Sakura for Naruto's little apartment, and Naruto for Sakura's house and family. "Don't be alarmed by what you see, because then they'd really know you're me." She nibbled the inside of her lip, trying to tactfully warn Naruto of what lay ahead.

"Screw that," Inner Sakura declared with a dramatic gesture. "Naruto wouldn't know what tactic was even if it mugged him in bright light with its name tattooed across its forehead." Inner Sakura had a point; it wasn't subtle and a person could skewer him or herself on it, but it was a point.

"Naruto," Sakura said, her voice frank, "my parents do not like you."

"Huh?" Naruto tried to recall if he had ever egged their house or rigged the steps to collapse, but he never recalled Sakura beating him up in school for it, so he must not.

"They don't like you because, well, I don't know why. They won't tell me, and they don't like you."

Oh. Naruto felt a chill run through him much like a bucket of ice-cold water poured upon his head. He knew why. He glanced sideways at _his_ body; if Sakura didn't know about the nine-tailed fox, then what did it mean for her to be in the body it dwelled in? Naruto fought down another wave of panic. He didn't even know about the nine-tailed fox until he was told, and he only once spoke to it, so she wasn't likely to find out. He clung to that bit of hope. She might, if she were really lucky, be able to draw upon the fox's chakra, but the chances of that were slim indeed.  
He sighed in relief as he reached his final conclusion. As long as Sakura never got his body into a life-threatening situation where only the fox's chakra could help, and as long as she never managed to figure out the connection (not that he himself ever did), then they were safe. "Should I expect anything else besides not being liked?" he asked. He could handle with not being liked. He did it for years, after all.

Sakura watched him for a few moments, still uncertain and still uncomfortable with the situation. She shook her head. "No. Not at all. So I head this way?" She pointed and Naruto nodded.

"Door's not locked," he said. "Don't have anything worth stealing. And we meet at the bridge bright and early in the morning just in case Kakashi comes. Bye." He held his hand up in the air as he walked off in the direction Sakura had directed him to. Sakura watched after him for a moment before she went off to Naruto's apartment, an unshakeable feeling of doom looming over her head.  
She tried to think of the situation as best she could. She never really gave thought to why her parents disliked Naruto. She had always supposed that he was a brat and, while that wasn't unwarranted, he did have his good moments. Like that one time where he... Uh, and then there was... Um. She'd think about it some other time, when she had the energy.

She tried to twirl a lock of hair around her fingers, except she realized belatedly that her hair was too short. "Ah." She looked at her hands and arms. She was covered from blond head to uncovered toes with dust, dust, dust everywhere. She clapped her hands against her arms and great clouds arose. She sneezed. Looked like she was going to have to give this body bath.

As Sakura walked to Naruto's apartment, Inner Sakura chanted, "Booyah!" and gave her the thumb's up.

* * *

"I'm home!" Naruto peeked his head through the front door and looked around. All the lights were turned off. He didn't want to admit to Sakura that he was reluctant to meet her parents. Of course, he would have to one of these days, but after he had proven himself to be unworthy of the hatred everyone gave him. After all, it wasn't like he _asked_ to have the nine-tailed fox implanted in his belly-button; people ought to at least give him that much credit!

"Hullo?" He looked around. The house was small, but kept very pristine and neat. Next to the door were a mirror and a vanity table; upon the table was a note propped up against a flower vase filled with some noxious weeds. He picked the note up when he saw it addressed to Sakura.

"Dear Sweetie," it read. "We're sorry you had to work with that AWFUL DISPICABLE boy cleaning that DIRTY DIRTY attic. We shall be home late this evening. Don't forget to take a bath, throw your clothes in the washing machine, and DON'T YOU DARE track dust and dirt through your father's CLEAN house. Love, Mama."

Naruto stared at the letter with pointy eyes, and dropped it on the table. He flinched at the dirty marks left on it, and then glanced around with new understanding. The house wasn't just pristine and neat — it sparkled! The colors were blinding and the whites overpowering; everything was perfectly color-coordinated in amber and honey and caramel tones of color. Not a single speck obscured any surface or space.

Feeling guilty, Naruto carefully tiptoed across the hallway to the stairs. He wasn't exactly sure where Sakura's bedroom was, but he had a good guess that it was on the upper level. He looked over his shoulder and winced at the dirty footprints left behind. He'd have to come back later and see to it that they were wiped away. He carefully made his way up the stairs on his tiptoes, not touching the banister or the walls lest he leave dirty prints on those as well.

The upper level was just as clean as the lower level. While the walls downstairs had been bare, the walls upstairs were covered with pictures, big and little. Naruto paused in his search for Sakura's bedroom to look at some of the pictures. He had no difficulty recognizing Sakura, even when she was only a year old, her face covered with chocolate and the piece of cake before her on the tray smashed beyond recognition while a candle somehow clung still to the frosting. The one beside it had a nude Sakura of two years dashing through this very hallway, dripping wet with soapsuds in her hair and determination bright in her green eyes.

He grinned. Blackmail material! All right! He knew Sakura wouldn't want this picture in, say, Sasuke's hands. Hahahahaha! Now she would _have_ to go out on a date with him!

Unmindful of his fingerprints, Naruto scooped the picture off the wall and hugged it close to his chest as he tiptoed down the hallway, quickly glancing left and right in case someone saw him. He skidded past a room decked out in pink and peach, several dresses carefully folded on the bed. He peaked past the doorframe and looked around. It looked like Sakura's bedroom; there in the closet were the same dark pink dresses with the bull's eye on the back. He entered the room cautiously, feeling like an intruder, but swung the door shut behind him.

He dropped the picture and the book of jutsus on the bed and carefully worked his way out of the dusty dress. He rolled it into a tight bundle and dropped it on the floor next to Sakura's bed. He looked at his hands and the skinny arms. How little her muscles were compared to his. Gosh, no wonder why Sakura wasn't very strong. Naruto's gaze moved up the arms to—eek!

Naruto straightened so fast there was a quick sense of vertigo. Feeling like a voyeur, he yanked the padded white quilt with pink primroses from the bed and wrapped it around _Sakura's_ body before looping the trailing end over his shoulder, toga-style. And then with a start, Naruto realized he was going to have to take a bath.

Being in Sakura-chan's body was going to be a little tougher than he had originally anticipated

* * *

The troubles of the day took its toil on Sakura by the time she reached Naruto's little apartment. She closed the door behind herself and fiddled with its lock for a moment before it clicked. She leaned against the doorpost and scrubbed her face with one dirty hand; she was too tired to care if she was dirty. All she would do is change clothes, wash her face and hands, and go to bed. M-chan leapt from Sakura's head and scrambled, squeaking with delight, through the apartment, and upsetting the furniture and rugs.

All she had to do was summon the energy that M-chan had to push away from where she was leaning and seek out the sink in which to wash herself .

After a few moments, Sakura finally did begin moving. She shed her clothes as she walked from the front door to the bathroom. There was a sense of freedom as she shook the jacket off her arms and tossed it in the direction of where she perceived the bedroom to be. The water ran dark from the dust she scrubbed from her arms and face. She wondered a moment if she should take a bath, but when Inner Sakura began to chant, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" she swiftly changed her mind. Tomorrow, she would be back in her body, and then Naruto could wash his own self.

She froze just as she began to turn the water off. She ducked her head, and then straightened. "Naruto," she growled as she made a fist and shook it at the mirror at _his_ reflection, "if you so much as leer at my body in the mirror, I'll . . ." Whatever she did to him would have to be done to her body, and if she made Naruto's body suffer, then she'd feel that.

This was going to be tougher than she suspected.

Sakura made her way into Naruto's room. She scowled critically at the mussed-up bed as M-chan dashed past her and jumped onto the bed. The stuffed monkey cocked her head to the side and watched Sakura curiously, before looking at the bed in question.

"I am not sleeping in those sheets!" Sakura told M-chan firmly. She rooted through the various cabinets and drawers until she found a ragged pair of faded blue sheets. Like all the furniture and the clothes Naruto wore, they were worn and aged. Sakura had a feeling that the Konoha Orphan Fund didn't give its wards much, and that was barely helped with the Genin ninja stipend that she knew Naruto received monthly.

No wonder why he lived off ramen. It was cheap and could be bought in bulk.

"Good grief," she muttered to herself as she carried the sheets over the bed. She set them off to the side and grabbed two handfuls of the blankets. M-chan hooted in disbelief as Sakura yanked the bedding off and sent the stuffed monkey flying. M-chan climbed the wall to the ceiling lamp and chattered disapproval. Sakura ignored her as she swiftly made the bed. After she fluffed the pillow, a well-aimed shoe switched the light off and she crawled beneath the covers. With a sigh, she fell into a deep sleep.

And Inner Sakura fell further.

* * *

"Where are those two?" One of the Sound-nins pulled a watch from his pocket and looked at it. The other Sound-nin, three times his size, shuffled his feet in worry.

"It's not like them to be late for the shift change," he said.

"No. You better investigate." The Sound-nin braced his elbows against his knees and laced his fingers into a bridge to support his chin. "It's worrisome that they should neglect their duties," he mused softly under his breath as the other Sound-nin disappeared in a silent poof of smoke.

In the forest, a trunk loped along, pausing only to spit up a bone or burp in contentment.

* * *

**author's notes:** Someone mentioned how the Japanese speech patterns for different genders could prove to be a dead giveaway to Naruto being Sakura and Sakura being Naruto. The problem with that is Naruto does not take place in Japan; it has the Japanese language, writing, mythology, and culture (because, well, it's created and voiced-over by Japanese), but it doesn't take place in Japan, but rather an alternative world of sorts. Besides, I am not a firm believer in mixing Japanese phrases into my English writing, unless it is a very, very awkward translation (like Sasuke-kun to Mister Sasuke). So, for clarity's sake, I just have to work within the boundaries of the English language. Gender-specifics of the Japanese language does not translate well with the English language, no matter how much I or anyone else would prefer such. 

As for Sakura and Naruto pairing off . . . I don't do romances. If romance occurs, it's something that happens as a side-affect to the plot. In otherwords, if it happens, it happens. (People, these are _thirteen year old children_! Chances of their finding meaningful love and having an intimate relationship that lasts through life is somewhere in the decimal hundredths because people change immensely from when they first enter adolescence and then finally stabalize in their early to mid-twenties.) It _is_ a Naruto/Sakura friendship fic, but not romance.

The trunk is loosely based off the luggage in Terry Pratchet's Discworld books. I hadn't realized it at the time, though. So credit of the basis for the trunk goes to this brilliant author of satire. He is my god of writing. Sort of. At least with satire, since almost all my fanfiction is meant to poke fun at current cliches and/or ideas of the related fandom.


	4. Inner Sakura and the 9 tailed fox

What was Inner Sakura?

Was she a split personality? Was she the offshoot of Sakura's repression of rage, rebellion, and defiance? Was she created in response to a need to distance herself from some traumatizing events that occurred in Sakura's past? Was Inner Sakura some sort of secret and extremely bizarre Blood Limit (or, at least, more bizarre than usual)? Or was she simply an ideal brought to life in Sakura's mind, consisting of everything that Sakura wanted to be and didn't have the courage to become in real life?

It all began many years ago when Sakura was a child. An invisible friend that you could blame all your problems, mistakes, and mischief on was the rage amongst Sakura's peers, and although Sakura liked to think of herself as slightly unconventional and unlikely to follow trends like a sheep off a cliff, she had to admit she gave into this one. Sakura was the only, much-doted-upon, very sheltered, and admittedly spoiled child of her parents; of the eleven pregnancies Mother Haruno had, only four lasted beyond the second month, and only Sakura, the fourth of the eleven, was brought to full-term.

At the time when invisible friends were in, Sakura decided to do something a little different, to address a desire other than a friend (which she didn't really have, considering how protective and choosy her parents were of the other village children), and that was a sister. Sakura only knew of three of her mother's miscarriages, if only because her mother managed to carry them beyond the sixth month and had believed they would be brought to full term as Sakura had been. All three times, Sakura helped her mother prepare a little nursery for a little brother or a little sister (although Sakura always hoped for a sister).

This was very important in the birth of Inner Sakura. Inner Sakura began as sort of a twin to Sakura, someone who looked and acted the same way. But somehow, throughout Sakura's childhood of not having friends and children picking on her because of her forehead and always depending upon her parents for help, Inner Sakura evolved from being Sakura's twin to Sakura's older sister, someone who raged and fumed and talked confidently to Sakura, much in the same manner as Sakura imagined an older sister would. Inner Sakura was everything Sakura wished she could be — free-willed, outspoken and brash, and courageous, and it was these characteristics that Sakura would sometimes imitate with the Inner Sakura's guidance. Inner Sakura became Sakura's refuge, someone Sakura could turn to when she was hurt or lonely.

Then there was one final evolution.

It began with the ninja academy. Sakura had wheedled, bribed, whined, and begged her parents into letting her go. The only way she managed to do it was (following Inner Sakura's directions) by planting the subtle idea of how their little daughter could become the greatest ninja, shining above all others as the ideal of intelligence, strength, and beauty, a creature of magnificence and pride who could take care of herself and everyone else.

Their little princess, the Hokage? You bet!

Sakura truthfully did not want to become Hokage; she merely wanted to learn how stand on her own, to become what Inner Sakura was, to be strong and forthright as she somehow couldn't be. Still, it took outside help to push her in that direction, and it was help that came in the form of Ino (someone even Inner Sakura admired — although this was admitted only twice in the entire time that Sakura knew Ino, and it was a very reluctant admiration born from hard-earned respect).

Perhaps it is more apt to say this change was more of a movement to a difference, or similarity, than it was an evolution. Did Inner Sakura evolve to better suit being a ninja and to better suit Sakura herself, who was slowly maturing from a spoiled, sheltered child to an adult? Did Sakura evolve and move closer to being Inner Sakura in spirit and notion, all the while retaining an identity separate from this ideal, this personality, that had adopted its own characteristics?

Either way, neither Sakura could say what truly happened, or how Inner Sakura was a separate entity. They were as they were, and both never really delved too far into why that was.

* * *

Naruto was under the fluffy pink covers and nearly asleep when he heard his bedroom door swing open. He tensed beneath them, and tried to move his eyes to see what was going on without alerting whoever it was to the notion that he was awake. He heard the creeping footsteps, and the loud creaking of the floorboards beneath the person's weight. The breathing was soft and even.

A voice spoke, soft in the darkness, "You're not asleep, Sakura-chan."

There was a click, and the floor lamp beside Sakura's bed was turned on. Naruto blinked tiredly at the bright light. "Hmm?" And then gawked.

The woman had to be Sakura's mother or a very closely-related family member. Sakura had gotten her pink hair, green eyes, curving lips, and wide forehead from this woman. What Sakura hadn't gotten was the extra twenty dress sizes. While the woman was huge, there was something about the curve of her bulk that spoke of more than weight. The way her shoulders were thrown back and the set of her arms as she sat down on the bed (which creaked, sagged immensely, and caused visions of snapping in two in Naruto's mind) told of a woman who was strong and graceful. She smiled sweetly at Naruto and swept back Sakura's pink hair with a chubby, long-fingered hand. "How was your day?" she asked softly. "I realize it's late, but I wanted to see you before your father and I left tomorrow."

Naruto gulped. He hadn't counted upon hiding who he was before Sakura's mother. "Oh, you know how it is," he said with a nervous laugh and a waving hand. "Had to clean all day; the attic was totally messy. Had to put up with Naruto, too," he added as an afterthought, remembering the note the woman had left.

Mother Haruno's face darkened. "That rotten child didn't leave you to do all the work, did he?"

Naruto couldn't stop the pained shock from showing on his face from the venom of Mother Haruno's voice. He had been overlooking the bitterness the villagers had toward him because of the nine-tailed fox ever since he became a Genin. In some way, he had hoped it had somehow disappeared and the note hadn't been so vicious as he realized it was. "No! I worked and S— Naruto worked, and we both did it, but we aren't done so we have to go back tomorrow to finish."

Mother Haruno sighed and turned away from Sakura, her face falling in the shadows. "Why did you have to work with him? Why couldn't you work with Uchiha-kun?"

"Because, M-Mother, Sasuke doesn't need my help. Naruto does."

Mother Haruno was silent for a long moment. When she finally stirred, it was with the look of resignation on her face. "Yes. He does need help. A lot of help." She rose to her feet, turned lightly around, and planted a dry kiss on Sakura's forehead. "Good night, my sweet," she said proudly, her wide face breaking into a jubilant smile. The love and tenderness clear on her face nearly took Naruto's breath away in surprise. Mother Haruno wasn't a bad person; no one who could love Sakura this much could be. "Tomorrow, we'll leave, so stay out of trouble. I have left directions beside the fridge, all your meals are labeled and in order," she frowned suddenly, all tenderness gone as she became a creature not to be underestimated, "do not forget to do the dishes."

"Yes, yes." Naruto cringed at the fierce look. He was beginning to see how Sakura could swing so swiftly from kindness (shown to Sasuke) to anger (him and nearly everyone else). Mother Haruno stared at him a moment longer, and then broke into another sweet smile. "Good night. I'll see you next week." She reached down, turned the light off, and walked across the room to the door. Naruto heard it open and close. After a moment of listening to the retreating footsteps, he burrowed beneath the fluffy covers and couldn't help but feel envious toward Sakura, despite how her mother felt about him.

* * *

When Sakura fell into a deep sleep, Inner Sakura fell further. In Sakura's mind eye, she could dimly see and make out Inner Sakura glaring at her surroundings of walls of yellow cement, overhead pipes that leaked, and the branching hall that plunged into darkness. It was sort of a dream where the dreamer could only watch and do nothing.

Inner Sakura rapped her knuckles sharply against the wall. "Somehow," she said with a hint of awe in her voice, "I'm not surprised I would find something like this within Naruto's head." She made her way down the hall, the darkness extending outward as if Inner Sakura was a source of light that pushed it back. She followed the hall and made random choices wherever it branched off, and eventually she reached the foot of a gigantic iron-wrought gate that extended upward beyond her line of vision. Beyond the gate was a darkness so profound and as deep as the darkness of a cave that had never known light. Beyond it, she could hear a rushing sound that rose and fell, like the breathing of a sleeping creature.

"What the hell?" Inner Sakura poked one of the bars. It burned cold at the touch, and she glanced upward. At the edge of the light, she could make out a paper charm plastered against the bars, and she somehow knew this charm kept the gate from bursting open and releasing whatever lay beyond it.

_You are not the boy._

Inner Sakura jumped at the voice; its deep tones reverberated through the darkness, which pushed unexpectedly at the light. The floor beneath her feet shook and the bars on the gate vibrated. She found herself taking a step back as the darkness surged forward to strike at her light, but it paused just before the gate, as if wary to make contact with the metal bars. It rolled, a force that was alive and malignant, and then drew back slightly. In the deep darkness, something glinted as two red eyes filled with wickedness and evil even beyond what she had seen in Orochimaru's opened up and gazed upon her.

_You do not belong here, _filthy_ human._

As the voice spoke, the scent of blood wafted through the air as a breeze caressed Inner Sakura's face. The voice laughed, and the hatred within it was enough to make the hair on the back of Inner Sakura's neck stand on end.

_Another foul human approaches me; more trash to be rid of. _Images formed within Inner Sakura's concept of a mind — of rendered flesh and sprayed blood, intestines scattered and eyeballs dangling from their sockets with fear still reflected in their dimmed depths.

Inner Sakura reeled backwards another step, feeling sick from the scent and images. "You're - you're a demon!" She crouched, ready to spring away if the beast somehow forced its way past the gate and attacked her.

_How astute._ The words were drawn out slowly, caressed with the careful attention a person or creature that saw communication as an art form to be practiced so that every intricate detail would be clear. Pride in what it was rang in its tone, and the hatred for Inner Sakura was as obvious as the glowing red eyes.

"What is a demon doing inside of Naruto?" She had always known he was a strange boy, and that he became stranger than usual when he fought against Orochimaru and the gigantic snake during the Chunin exam, and against Neji. But this was beyond anything she had suspected of him. "Wait, could he — no. Naruto can't be the demon. You wouldn't be _here _otherwise." Was this why Sakura's parents had always disliked Naruto? Did they somehow know a demon hid within Naruto?

Laughter erupted from the darkness. The wave of hatred and desire to kill that followed the laughter was like a physical blow that knocked Inner Sakura backwards, and Sakura awake. She tumbled out of bed, flailing her arms about and grasping wildly at the tangled sheets. The laughter rang clear in her ears and hummed through her mind. Images of death and destruction, of what the demon had done before he was sealed in Naruto's body filled through her mind. A wave of nausea rose upward. She pressed a hand against her mouth and tried to force the sickness down.

"Mama?" The monkey peered at Sakura from where she had been curled atop of Naruto's windowpane.

The laughter continued.

"Shut up!" Inner Sakura screamed. Somehow, she had forced her way through the darkness and the halls until she stood before the great gate once more. Bursts of red shot from the darkness, lashing out against her and striking her with stinging whip-like blows. Each blow made Sakura's ears ring. "Shut up!"

_I will kill you! Give me your blood — I shall draw it from you and suck the marrow from your bones before snapping them as the little twigs you vile creatures be! _

"You can't get out! You are nothing! You can't move beyond this gate!" Inner Sakura choked on her fear, almost driven backwards.

_I will grind your bones — when I am done with you, it will be your family, and your village, and every single worthless creature cursed to be alive! _

"You talk shit, you pathetic demon! You're just nonsense living in the head of a loud and obnoxious thirteen year old boy who hasn't gone through puberty yet!" More laughter, the hatred still washing through Sakura, the feelings of despicability and scorn overwhelming. Even Inner Sakura bowed under its weight, though she continued to scream at the demon.

Sakura pressed her hands against her forehead and fiercely shook her head, as if she could dislodge what was going on within her mind. "Shut up!" she screamed desperately at the pair of voices in her head. "Shut up!" The laughter continued, the description of the violence, the images of death and gore, the scent of blood sharp in her nose.

Naruto. He had to live with this — he would know what to do!

Sakura scrambled desperately to her feet, her balance off and her vision skewed because of the red demon eyes in the darkness that overlaid what she saw in reality. She stumbled out of the room, tripping over the sheets and the pile of clothes that lay before the door. "Shut up!" The voices, the fighting, the blood followed after her, clinging and growing like a malovolent cancer. She clawed desperately at the door before she remembered to turn the handle. Flinging the door open, Sakura ran screaming into the night.

* * *

"Late, late, late." The Sound-nin stood perched on the top of a streetlight. It really _was_ late, and the streetlight had turned off after 10 PM. No one who didn't know what to look for wouldn't be seeing his body outlined against the star-spotted sky, the lump of hair across his back and the curve of his ninja suit immediately pinpointing him as foreign, or at least not of _this_ particular neighborhood. He stared critically at the watch in his hand, which normally couldn't be read by the faint moon and starlight, but somehow he knew what time it was (late). He impatiently snapped the cover over the watch and stuffed it into a hidden pocket before crossing his arms before his chest and staring resolutely at the street floor. Something was off; he sensed it in his bones.

"Did something happen to them?" he wondered out loud.

There was a stirring against his back.

"Orochimaru-sama will not be pleased, brother," a voice, identical to his own, replied.

"Ah." The Sound-nin was about to reply to the voice, but he stopped as running footsteps rapidly approached them. He crouched down, minimizing his body as a target, and stared into the darkness. A youth with blond hair, wearing only a pair of white boxers, pounded breathlessly and blindly through the streets. He clutched at his hair, tugging and pulling desperately; tears streaked his face. "Shut up shut up shut up shut up..." It was a mantra, repeated over and over in the desperate hope that it would come true. The boy approached close, and the Sound-nin finally recognized the features. From a hidden pocket, he withdrew a card and glanced at it critically before looking at the youth with a frown on his face. Uzumaki Naruto.

He had heard from Kabuto that the boy was off, even discounting being a demon's carrier, but why was the boy running through the streets in his _underwear_?

_This place just gets weirder and weirder,_ he thought to himself as he tucked the card away. Naruto tripped just before the streetlamp, sprawling hard on his hands and knees. _What a klutz,_ the Sound-nin thought scornfully. He could kill the boy now, and no one would ever realize it.

Why not? It wasn't as if he had anything better to do besides wait. He silently repositioned his hands and legs until he was crouching, his muscles tense, ready to pounce upon Naruto and strike a single blow.

Naruto pushed himself to his hands and knees, and screamed. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" He suddenly slammed his own head against the ground, the sound of impact loud enough for even the Sound-nin to wince at and pull back his attack in surprise. Naruto's head snapped backwards from the blow. "SHUT UP!" Again, Naruto slammed his head into the ground. With each cry, he smashed his forehead against the pavement. "ENOUGH! SHUT UP! ENOUGH! STOP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

The Sound-nin's head whipped around as a light in the far off distance turned on, shining through an open window. He saw the dark outline of a person approaching the window to peer curiously outward. Another light in another area flickered alive. The Sound-nin frowned as he studied the desperation of Naruto, the hysteria in the voice, and the body that shook from something not exhaustion.

Naruto either stood on the brink of insanity, or had already been pushed beyond.

Interesting. _Lad, what is wrong with you_? The Sound-nin's forming smile was sinister and cold. This could be useful. The only reason why this particular child would be driven insane was if the nine-tailed fox was pushing insistently against him.

V_ery_ interesting.

Naruto slammed his head against the ground one final time and remained still. A small pool of blood formed around his head, matting his hair. Naruto pushed himself to his feet and shakily leaned against the streetlight the Sound-nin stood upon. "Finally," he whispered in a ragged voice, his hands shaking as he reached up and carefully prodded his brutalized forehead. He winced and took a shaky breath that turned into a sob. "If it's not one voice, it's another," he grumbled, pushing away from the streetlight. He weaved an unsteady path down the street, half-running and half-walking, off-balanced and groggy from what could be considered a severe, self-administered concussion. The Sound-nin watched after, torn between hurrying after Naruto to learn more, and staying here in this spot in wait for his missing companions.

With a snort of ill humor, the Sound-nin folded his legs upon the streetlight and glanced across the street to Sasuke's darkened window. "You didn't wake to hear that?" he wondered. "You may have found it interesting yourself."

"Orochimaru-sama needs to be told," the voice from earlier said. "The nine-tailed fox appears to have made itself _very _known."

"Aye."

* * *

Sakura stood below her bedroom window. In her vision, there were three windows. The night was still and the moon had just risen. She could barely think through the agonizing pain that throbbed at her temples, around her ears, pushed against the back of her eyes, and centered around the area of broken skin. Her neck itched where the blood had just finished drying its trail down her face and neck, and she had triple-vision where it wasn't blurry. She sifted through her handful of rocks and pebbles. Her parents' bedroom was on the first floor and on the other side of the house; there was little to no chance of being discovered. She selected a pebble the size of her thumbnail and tossed it haphazardly at where she guessed the actual window was. The pebble struck the wall around the window with a soft thump and bounced off. Irritated, she selected a slightly larder pebble and threw that; it missed the window as the last one had.

She threw her last pebble. It managed to hit the pane with a solid thunk, and she finally heard stirring within. _It's about time,_ Sakura thought viciously, her hands on her hips. There was a moment of neither movement nor thought on her part before she realized she had been expecting Inner Sakura to chime in with her own comment. Inner Sakura was as silent as the demon that had tormented both.

Naruto still wasn't coming to the window!

Tired, cranky, fearful and hurt, she heaved a rock the size of her fist at her window. She didn't realize her window was open until the rock sailed through and hit something solid, closely followed by a yelp of mixed surprise and pain.

Naruto appeared immediately at the window, rubbing his head and squinting down at Sakura. "Whaddya do that for?" he demanded tiredly.

Sakura leapt from the ground to the window, scrambling wildly for purchase at the pane and Naruto. She hauled herself through the window and sprawled on the floor, the pain in her head increasing and her vision worsening. Naruto fumbled in the dark before he managed to turn on the floor lamp. "Neh, Sakura-chan, is something—" He stopped speaking and looked at her in surprise. "Sakura-chan, what happened?" He folded his legs beneath himself and sat down heavily beside her. "Were you attacked? Do you need some ice or bandages?"

Sakura sat upright, gathered her thoughts together despite the pounding pain, and rounded upon Naruto so fast he fell backwards in fear. "You!" Sakura grabbed two fistfuls of the pink pajamas Naruto wore and dragged him close until his nose was pressed against hers. "You've got a demon inside of you!"

Naruto paled in shock as he reached up to twist Sakura's hands free of her pajamas. "S-Sakura."

"Why didn't you tell me? Wh-what do I do?" Sakura's face collapsed as tears of pain and frustration began to pour down her face. She released Naruto and fell backwards, plunging her hands into Naruto's short hair. They trembled, and she sniffled pitifully. "The voice…. They finally shut up. How can you possibly stand it?"

"Sakura-chan..." Naruto gazed at Sakura for a long moment, and then pushed himself upright. He folded his legs and clenched his knees. "I've never had problems with _voices _before," he admitted with some guilt. "I've only known about the nine-tailed fox since—"

"_Nine-tailed fox_!" Naruto clamped a hand over Sakura's mouth and glanced about surreptitiously, all too conscious of his surroundings and the parents living in the house. He waited a moment before he dropped his hand; Sakura stared at him with wide-eyed shock. "No wonder they hate you," she said finally. "How did such an evil creature get inside of you?"

Naruto pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He settled his chin in the space between his kneecaps and focused his attention on a spot on the floor. "How do you think the Fourth managed to stop the fox's attack? He didn't actually destroy it; he sealed it in me."

"That explains—"

"Explains what?"  
"That..." Sakura's voice trailed off as Inner Sakura snorted. She heard nothing more from her alter ego, and beside her, Sakura was aware of how it was _her_ body that was tense, _her_ face that was both vulnerable and protective, and yet it was _Naruto's_ body that the fox demon dwelled. She was Naruto. Naruto was her.

Her headache was getting worse just thinking about this. "It just explains certain things that you've done, like the fights with Neji and Orochimaru." She looked at Naruto. "That explains why everyone hates you."

"It's the adults," Naruto muttered with resignation in his voice, slightly muffled because he spoke into his knees. "The adults hate me, but the children don't know why because it's forbidden to discuss the demon. _I_ didn't even know until someone who hated me told me right before I graduated."

"But why?"

Naruto shrugged, still not looking at Sakura. "Because that person wanted me mad."

She sighed in exasperation and tried to think past her migraine. "No. Why do people hate you?"

"Dunno. I know why people hate me, because they think I'm the demon — that _I'm_ the demon or I could _become _the demon. But I don't know why _I _was saddled with having the demon sealed in my bellybutton. I mean, it's not as if I _asked_ for it."

Sakura immediately glanced down, suddenly aware of what she wore — or didn't wear. She prodded her bellybutton, but didn't hear the nine-tailed fox's voice. _What an odd place to seal a demon,_ she thought, feeling light-headed and dizzy. "But surely not everyone hated you. Because..." Again, her voice trailed off. Naruto finally looked at her, and she realized then why he seemed so tense and so vulnerable.

He was afraid of being rejected because of having an occupied bellybutton.

That shed a whole new light on his behavior and personality. With a second personality thriving in her own mind, Sakura found it easy to sympathize with Naruto, except while Inner Sakura was an identity that Sakura could find refuge in when she personally didn't have the strength to express in public, the nine-tailed fox was an unwanted and frightful resident that must never again be released upon the world. Sakura had to beat her head against the ground simply to overcome the nine-tailed fox's voice. But to live with it as long as Naruto had, and not know why people hated him?

"It must have been tough," Sakura said softly, forcing her fuzzy thoughts into concrete sentences, "living like that. You never had any friends," she said with dawning realization, remembering the dejected little blond boy who suddenly became a nuisance when he was eight years old. She hadn't exactly had any friends herself, until Ino – and even then, it certainly didn't last long before their rivalry engulfed it. "But what about family?" she asked suddenly. "Didn't you have family?" Was she and Sasuke Naruto's only friends?

Well, okay, so Naruto was now getting along with the other Genin like Hinata and Shikamaru, and then there was the self-appointed Konohamaru squad, and she would be hard-put to say he and Sasuke were _friends_ (not-exceptionally violent rivals, perhaps, but friends?), but it was more of an acknowledgement of Naruto that saw beyond the nine-tailed fox. Sakura couldn't imagine what life would have been like without the at-first twin sister figure of Inner Sakura and her parents.

"Nope." Naruto seemed to gather strength at the absence of Sakura's conviction against him for harboring the nine-tailed fox. "If I had parents, they're long gone, and no one knows anything about who they are or if I've got aunts or uncles or grandparents. Or, if they do know, they won't tell me anything. Well, there is Iruka-sensei, who's like an uncle to me — but that was only after the Genin exam, Sakura-chan, 'cause he was there when I learned about the demon — but he told me he was too young to remember anything, and I believe him."

They both fell silent then, each regarding his or her thoughts and his or her experiences that corresponded with what they discussed. Knowing this about Naruto, Sakura felt the need to recuperate, to share and share alike.

Or maybe it was just her concussion that was talking.

"So what happened to your forehead?" Naruto asked. "I'd get some ice for you, except I don't know where it's at."

"Oh." She winced and bit the inside of her lip when she brushed her hand against her bruised forehead. "The bathroom's right in there," she said, pointing to a connecting door.

"I'll get you a wet cloth," Naruto said, standing up. "And _that's_ the closet. I know where the bathroom is. Had to look for it to take a shower."

Sakura froze in mid-wince. "You did _what_?"

Naruto cringed suddenly. "Well, see, after the note from your parents, I, uh, figured it wouldn't be a great thing to sleep in your bed if I hadn't washed up, and there was things in your hair and I had left fingerprints on the door knob, and uh, um."

Sakura loomed over him, a dark, forbidding shadow that could have rivaled Orochimaru. It was frightful, considering the aura of chakra that _Naruto_ was capable of. "Naruto." She cracked her knuckles. "You didn't do anything with my body, did you?"

Naruto squeaked and ducked, covering his head with his arms. "Um. I was very quick about it! And I did it with my eyes closed!" This was true; he had the bruises on his shins to prove it from where he constantly bumped against the faucet and toilet.

Sakura wilted into Naruto's regular self, except for the disapproving look that was very much _her_. "Well, just see to it that you keep doing that," she whispered, pressing another hand against her temple. "And there's some medicine in the cabinet above the sink."

"Er, right." Naruto scrambled, and soon returned, balancing a wet cloth, a large white bottle filled with pain relieving medication, and a cup of water in his two hands. "Here you go," he handed the pain relievers and the cup of water over, and then carefully and tenderly began to wipe away the dried blood, "I'll go to the kitchen later and get some ice for you," he said. "What happened?" he asked again when Sakura had finished gulping down four of the tiny pills.

"The demon spoke," Sakura said. She didn't know if she wanted to curl up in a ball and weep or fall into exhausted sleep once more. Except that was how the demon made itself known, and she didn't know if she could face that again. "I — Naruto, I..." She stopped. "There's no easy way to tell you this," she said as she tugged the wet cloth from Naruto's hand. She stumbled over to her bed and collapsed on top of it, stretching out and draping the wet cloth over her eyes and forehead. "I've had this voice, this person, inside my head since I've been about six years old. I can't explain her beyond the fact that she's not quite me, but she's not a demon. She's my creation, or perhaps she isn't, but while she isn't me, she is me."

There was only confused silence from Naruto's end, and Sakura sighed. "She can say or think things that I don't or can't. But she wandered down somewhere and came across the demon, and they began to fight. Typical of Inner Sakura, really," Sakura added nervously, "fighting, that is. And they wouldn't shut up, and the demon was so powerful and so evil, and began to tell me what it would do. It was horrible." She stopped when she sobbed. She covered her mouth and took several deep breaths to calm herself, waiting for her hands to stop shaking so fiercely. A few moments passed. "I had to talk to you. I didn't know what to do, if there was any way to get it to shut up. When I was hurrying over here, I, uh, tripped and hit my head against a post. Which is why I'm hurt." As much as she wanted to recuperate with Naruto, to show him how much she understood how he felt, she didn't need to tell him _everything_. "So, what does it do? What does it mean to have a demon?"

Naruto snorted in the dark. "It means a whole lot of chakra," he said, " 'cause this one time I talked with the fox, I told him to pay the rent of living inside of me because I needed the extra chakra for a jutsu I was practicing. I'm going to fetch the ice," he said quickly before Sakura could speak, "I'll be right back."

Naruto left the room and stumbled through the dark. While he was gone, Sakura thought of what she told Naruto, and mentally kicked herself for being so stupid to babble about Inner Sakura. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything; what if Naruto thought she was crazy? Sure, Naruto had a demon inside of him, but she didn't have that excuse.

Naruto was gone longer than Sakura expected, except he did have the right to become lost and to be cautious. When he returned, he silently handed her the bag of ice and lay down, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, and knee to knee with Sakura on the narrow bed. They were silent for a time; the only sound was the occasional soft breeze that stirred Sakura's curtains.

"Extra chakra?" Sakura asked finally, trying to prod Naruto into speaking with a perfectly acceptable opening.

"Mmm. I was thinking about the fight I had with Neji. He said his gentle fist closed off chakra points, and after he finished his what's-it sixty-four strikes, I shouldn't have been able to use the chakra. So I used the fox demon's supply. I figured that since the fox's in me even when I was never consulted in the matter, then it's my right to use the chakra, sort of like payment of rent. I'm stuck with him for the rest of my life. Pervert-sensei says there's no point to my having it if I don't use it, so why not use it?"

Sakura tried to imagine spending all of her life with a fox in her bellybutton. It sounded suitably daunting and frightful. "That's why you're so strong," she said. "I mean, you were an awful ninja back at school, never doing anything right and always failing in your exams. But you've come so far so fast. I could never keep up with you or Sasuke, but Sasuke was already ahead of both of us, and you caught up with him."

Naruto yawned in the dim light, his hands folded over the waistband of Sakura's pajamas. "Not all of it's the fox," he said, slightly resentful but mostly sleepy, "I use my own chakra for everything. Except for those times with Neji and Haku and, well, Gaara, and then there was Gamabunta, but that's it."

Sakura wondered if she should follow that line of Gamabunta, but decided against it. Haku? Naruto had used a different chakra for Haku – oh, yeah, that's how he managed to break through the ice-mirrors. "Wow," she said, because that was the only thing she could think. Naruto said nothing. She waited for an answer, and then realized his breathing was the deep and even of sleep. She was silent in the dim light, and too tired to reach across Naruto and turn the floor lamp off. Two days? She had to put up with this for at least two days? She would be driven mad long before that happened.

When the pain relievers finally took effect and her agonizing migraine was whittled into a low-level throb, she, too, fell asleep, but thankfully didn't dream of Inner Sakura hunting down and fighting with the nine-tailed fox.

* * *

**author's notes:** Well, this chapter is certainly darker than I had intended. Concepts of Inner Sakura/Sakura borrowed from various discussions that I lurked around at the AnimeSuki Forum for Naruto. And oh boy, I'm surprised no one mentioned anything about Orochimaru's special forces playing Go Fish!  



	5. Family and friends' idiosyncrasies

The Sound-nin impatiently looked up from where he had been playing a game of tic-tac-toes in the dust against himself. "You're late." He didn't bother to disguise the anger and impatience in his voice. The other Sound-nin winced and shuffled his feet guiltily. "Where are the others?

"Um."

"You did find them, didn't you?"

"Um." Despite his immense bulk, he still managed to look frightened of the Sound-nin he stood before, who rose from the dust with his eyes narrowed viciously and his body quivering with rage. "Sort of."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I sort of found them."

"And what does it mean that you sort of found them?"

"Um." Again, the much-larger Sound-nin nervously shuffled his feet and refused to meet his teammate's eyes. "Well, when I say I sort of found them, it's because I did find them, just in, um, bits and parts."

Slowly, the other Sound-nin's face changed expressions, going from angry impatience to disbelief, and finally becoming deep suspicion. "What happened?"

"I can show you."

"No. We're _not_ to lose sight of Sasuke-kun."

The larger Sound-nin shrugged. "Yes, but Orochimaru-sama also said that we were not to be spotted by anyone except Sasuke-kun, and that was only if we were to speak to him. Somehow, being mauled to pieces doesn't fit into our orders."

"Mauled? To _pieces_?"

"It looked as if an animal had attacked and ate half their bodies, except I didn't see any animal prints. It was at our campsite, and they must have been caught unaware because the playing cards were scattered. The ground was scuffed where they must have struggled, and there were square peg-like holes in the dirt."

"Square? Peg holes?"

"I don't know of any animal around here with square paws," the Sound-nin added, mostly to himself in the same manner as someone who turned the issue over and over in his mind.

"I see," the other Sound-nin said darkly. He pressed his lips together in thought, and then said, "Stay here. I'll investigate the bodies. No animal could possibly have beaten two ninjas with level two seals."

* * *

The trunk nestled in its bed of leaves and yawned, its lid opening wide and revealing many rows of sharp teeth.

* * *

Naruto vaguely heard a door open. Not used to visitors entering his little apartment when he was sleeping, he sat upright suddenly and felt the blood rush from his brain. He blinked groggily at the vast amount of pink in the room and wondered what happened before the events of the day before came scurrying back to his mind. His eyes focused on the door and he saw a thin little man, blinking owlishly, carefully approaching his bed. With a yelp, Naruto flung his covers back to cover Sakura (or rather, from his visitor's point of view, a half-naked Naruto in the same bed as Sakura) from view. 

"H-hi," he said nervously, a hand self-consciously behind his head. "Good morning."

The man had a small fringe of thin brown hair that clung desperately to his skull, his deep green eyes were sunken in his head, and he was the same height and build as Sakura. "Good morning, sweetie," he said, still blinking owlishly. "I know we would be leaving too early in the morning to see you, but I just wanted to peek in on you." He rubbed his eyes. "Have you seen my glasses?" he asked absently as he glanced around the room, squinting desperately.

"Uh. No."

"Oh. Your mother and I will be leaving for your aunt's. The poor thing is going through another one of her nervous breakdowns."

"Oh?" It was an inquiring _oh_, the sort a person makes when they know what was going on but said it anyway to keep the conversation flowing. Naruto had no idea what else to say without incriminating himself for odd behavior.

"Yes. So I came in here to peek in on you. Have you seen my glasses?" he asked again.

"Uh. No." Naruto frowned. "Do you remember where you last saw them?"  
"I remember placing them in the living room, but sometimes you or your mother move them. And I wanted to peek in on you because we were leaving early. Have you seen my glasses?"

Naruto jumped as he felt a hand tug on his pajamas legs. He looked down to see Sakura's hand poking out of the covers; he could see her eyes half-hidden under a fold, and she gestured him close. As Papa Haruno turned his back to Naruto and stared dumbly about, Naruto bent low to Sakura. She pulled him close so her lips brushed his ear. "Papa is absent-minded and blind as a bat," she whispered softly. "You need to direct him out of the room, and keep telling him that he has to leave." She dropped her hand and burrowed deeper under the covers.

Naruto, nervously rubbing the back of his hand, carefully approached Papa Haruno. "Neh, Papa," he said brightly, "Mother probably needs you for the packing. You do need to go."

"Eh?" The man looked at Naruto in surprise. "Go? Where?"

"To see Auntie."

"Oh. Yes. Because she's having a nervous breakdown. We'll probably be gone a week. Stay out of trouble and keep the house clean; you know how it is if you create a mess."

"Yes, yes." Naruto slipped an arm around Papa Haruno's and carefully guided him to the door. "Right over here, Papa."

"Have you seen my glasses?" Papa Haruno asked, squinting at her. "And did I tell you we were leaving today?"

"Mother has them," Naruto said tiredly. "I'll see you when you come back," he added as he opened the door and carefully pushed Sakura's father out of it. "Have a safe trip," he added, closing the door. "There," he said with satisfaction as he walked back to the bed where Sakura poked her head upward, "parents are taken care of. Your mom popped in yesterday evening to say goodbye to me."

"Yeah. I'm glad they're leaving," Sakura said softly, "because they won't be here to suspect any odd behavior on my part."

"Oh?"

"Because they dote on me, they'd recognize if I'm not being me, although if that did happen, you could always say that you happen to be going through a phase. They usually accept that."

"But we won't be in these bodies for very long," Naruto said sternly. "Just you wait. Kakashi-sensei will know what to do." There was a long pause as they mused over that. "Or someone will," Naruto added as an afterthought.

"Yeah." Sakura stood up, pulling the cover around herself. "I need to visit the little lady's room," she muttered as she stumbled unsteadily to the bathroom. She tottered to a halt when Naruto snickered.

"I hope not, Na-ru-to-kun," he said, emphasizing every syllable in _his_ name. She glared over her shoulder at him, and he gave her a bright smile, trying not to wince at the swollen forehead and the purple and black bruises livid against _his_ skin. At least the cut had already healed from last night. "I have enough problems with my reputation without someone adding 'pervert' to the list."

Sakura's eyes were angry little slits. "Oh, you don't need my help for that," she muttered snidely, turning and continuing her clumsy trip to the bathroom.

"Oi! What did that mean?" Naruto waited until the bathroom door clicked shut behind Sakura before he went roaming through Sakura's room in search of a dress to wear. Something besides pink. He had absolutely no idea why Sakura had so much of it — what she clearly needed was something bright and bold, like orange. He poked through her underwear drawer. T_hese are certainly bright,_ he thought to himself as he held up a pair of sunshine-yellow panties.

Naruto couldn't explain why he felt so strangely energized. The sun was barely up and only a few birds chirped in the lawn beyond the house. Naruto had never thought of himself as a morning person, or an evening person. Sleep was something he did when it needed to be done. While it was certainly earlier than he was used to, he was too wide-awake now to go back to sleep. After sifting through more of Sakura's clothes, Naruto finally emerged from the depths of her closet with a white tennis outfit that, while it was not made of the same durable material as his own jump suit or Sakura's bull's eye pink dress, was still roomy enough to jump around in. He had just finished dressing in it when Sakura entered the room. She still had the covers wrapped around her form, and she stumbled across the room to her bed, collapsing on top of it as soon as she reached it. She pulled her legs up and buried her face in the pillow.

"My head hurt's," she muttered against it. She pressed one hand against her skull directly behind her ear.

"SAKURA!" The bedroom door burst open and a flurry of purple clothes and blonde hair plowed into the room, the door slamming into the wall. Sakura winced and burrowed deeper under her covers as Ino descended upon Naruto. "This is a great, grand day!" Ino declared loudly, her smile clearly forced as she threw an arm around Naruto's shoulders. "We were assigned a special mission together and I came here bright and early!" She smiled at "Sakura," her teeth sparkling, before it faded into a frown. "Why are you up so early?" she grumbled, clearly resentful at not having disturbed Sakura's sleep.

"I felt like it," Naruto replied truthfully.

"_Sakura_!" Mother Haruno's voice drifted into the open room from where she called downstairs. "_Your father and I are leaving. If Ino-chan hasn't had breakfast, make some for her and don't forget to do the dishes_."

More faintly, Naruto could hear Papa Haruno's voice. _"Dear, have you seen my glasses?" _

_ "They're on top of your head." _

_ "Oh? Oh, yes. How did they get there? Did we say goodbye to Sakura?" _

_ "Yes. Now get your skinny little rear into gear; daylight's burning."_

_ "Y-yes, dear! Off to An-chan's, we go!" _

Ino shook her head and leaned close to Sakura, her hand cupped around her mouth to whisper a secret. "I still maintain how proud I am that you are still normal in comparison with your parents. You sure you aren't adopted?"

"I like them," Naruto said defensively. Despite their funny little quirks and idiosyncrasies, Sakura's parents deeply loved and cared well for their daughter, which was more than what Naruto could say he had. For just a moment, last night and this morning, he had been part of a loving family.

"Yes, well, it is amazing." Ino walked over to the bed. "Now that they're gone and since Asuma-sensei told me to be here at five in the morning so he could discuss mission details, I'm going to sleep here 'cause I don't believe he's going to show up until seven." With a toss of her head and a daring smile sent to Naruto, she collapsed on the bed.

"OFF!"

Ino was immediately booted off the bed with one vicious kick from Sakura.

"What?" Ino stared in shock as "Naruto" popped out of Sakura's bed and glared viciously at her. The covers fell down around Sakura's waist, revealing her current state of undress.

"I've got a headache," Sakura muttered, rolling over and pulling the covers over herself again. "Don't need fat asses to contribute to it."

"Y-you're Naruto!"

"No," Sakura drawled sarcastically. "I'm actually Sasuke using a clever Henge just in case Sakura's parents catch me."

"WHAT?" Ino jumped to her feet and stared at "Sakura." "You're thirteen years old! That's too young to be doing anything!"  
Naruto gazed at Ino, puzzled, as Sakura turned away from the others, stiffening and blushing a deep red. "Doing what?"

Ino slapped her forehead, and then swiftly turned to Sakura, who was trying to hide her red face by covering it with her arms. "Wait... You're kidding, right?" She laughed nervously. "I mean, you really _aren't_ Sasuke _or_ Naruto, _are_ you?"

_That much is right,_ Sakura thought dryly through the pounding pain in her temples. The pain relievers she had taken in the bathroom hadn't begun working yet. "I'm Naruto," she said in resignation. _In body only. _

Ino wrinkled her nose. "I hope you used protection," she said finally, clearly in disgust.

Sakura sat straight up, ignoring the burning red that crossed her face again. "WHAT?" She tumbled out of bed in her wild attempt to launch herself across the room for Ino's throat. "How dare you, Ino-pig!" She tripped over the covers and smacked her forehead against the floor. Pain exploded through her head and she cried out, curling into a tight ball. "Owie owie owie." Amidst the pain was the irritation and anger she felt towards Ino, ingrained from the bitter rivalry she had with Ino over Sasuke.

"Sasuke is mine!" Ino crowed triumphantly as she posed dramatically and pointed a finger at Naruto, who watched in confusion. "Because there's no way he would want a tainted girl like your!"

_Kill her! _Rage and hatred slammed into Sakura, her thoughts reeling in confusion and repulsion, overtaking and blending into her own hatred. A vision of a clawed hand gutting Ino flew through Sakura's mind and Sakura found herself sick to enjoy such a vision. Inner Sakura rose upward and slammed into the nine-tailed fox's presence. The two went down in a confused myriad of rage, terror, and sadistic laughter.

"If anyone is going to kill her, it's going to be me, you hear that, you flea-infested mongrel!" Inner Sakura countered the vivid images of death with a scene closely resembling a child's comical chalk drawings of Sakura hitting Ino over the head with a frying pan.

_WHAT did you call me? _

Snarling and clawing viciously at one another, Inner Sakura and the nine-tailed fox pushed themselves backwards into the recesses of Sakura's mind where she felt a sense of detachment. After a moment of blissful silence, she finally looked up at Ino, who still stood poised before Naruto with her hand in the air. Her hand was shaking and there was tension around Ino's eyes.

Naruto crossed his arms before himself and closed his eyes as he usually did, nodding knowingly to himself. "You can drop the act, Ino," he said. "I didn't do anything."

Ino sighed and dropped her hand. It flopped against her side and she seemed to wilt a bit.

"Sa — Naruto got hurt last night when he came over to ask me some questions about the mission sh — he and I had yesterday. I made him stay here because I didn't want him roaming through the dark and knocking his head again."

Ino stared at Naruto in silence, clearly mulling over his words. Her brow was furrowed in thought, and Sakura shook her head and silently cursed at Naruto's behavior, her own insult from earlier, and the pain caused from shaking her head. While not as smart as Sakura, Ino was an intelligent girl and knew Sakura's behavior enough to recognize when something was off. "I see," she said finally. She turned and walked over to where Sakura was curled on the floor. Ino crouched down and, with her lips pursed tightly together, studied the bruising and healing cut on Sakura's forehead. She pried Sakura's eyes open and looked at them critically.

"Did you know your pupils are different sizes?" Ino asked Sakura helpfully. "And they aren't focusing? There's one eye looking directly at me and the other eye is staring off to the left."

_That would explain why I'm seeing two of you,_ Sakura thought absently.

"How hard did you hit your head?" Ino drew back from Sakura, one hand pressed against her chin in thought. "Considering how thick your skull is, that'd have taken one mighty blow. Tripped, eh?" she asked suddenly, her voice nearly a shout and her expression filled with suspicion and anger. "So what _really_ happened? You may have been able to fool Forehead-girl with that, but it won't work on me." She somehow managed to slip in a sneer amongst her facial expression.

Sakura said nothing as she pressed a hand over her head and curled back into a ball again. "I am someone in a lot of pain," she said in a near-whisper, "so could you keep it down a bit? My head really, really hurts."

Confusion wiped the anger from Ino's face, and she looked dumbly at Sakura before looking toward Naruto for guidance. Naruto leaned against Sakura's bedroom wall, watching the interaction between the two (sort of) female ninjas. He shrugged and tried to look nonchalant.

"Naruto is clumsy," he said quickly. "You haven't seen him much, but he's a real klutz."

The confusion became anger once more. "Just how stupid do you take me to be? Your forehead should be wide enough for you to realize that I've seen Naruto fight and he's not a klutz!"

Naruto gazed at Ino in surprised silence, unsure of he could take that as a compliment. "Well, it was dark," he said, "and—"

"Oh, never mind." Ino irritably waved Naruto's words away. "I know something's going on, but neither of you are going to tell me the truth. So what? You and I have a mission, and I know I heard someone say you had to feed me breakfast. Since I'm no longer tired, I demand waffles!"

Sakura stirred and asked darkly, "What makes you think you're going to get them?"  
Ino didn't even look at Sakura. "Because I'm the guest, and it's my prerogative to make demands on the hostess."

The three ninjas stared at one another, glancing from face to face. Naruto's expression was one of confusion (Waffles? He had no idea how to make waffles. Now, if Ino had demanded ramen, he could do that), and Sakura's was pain-filled. Ino placed her hands on her hips and threw her head back again. An uncertain smile curved her lips but did not hide the worry in her eyes. Sakura recognized Ino's body language: Ino was willing to let bygones be bygones and move beyond this unpleasant experience with a happy distraction.

Because Ino was looking at Naruto, who was looking at Sakura, Sakura nodded her head and then jerked it toward Ino. Naruto looked confused a moment more before understanding bloomed on his face.

"All right!" he said. Sakura smiled, glad that she and Naruto were able to communicate without words and minimal body language. He turned about on his heel and marched for the open bedroom door. Ino followed closely behind, casting a mere inquiring glance to Sakura's direction. "Since I don't know what sort of waffles you like, I'll just make you ramen."

Ino froze in mid-step. "You've got to be kidding me! Ooooh. I know what's going on here, now!" She jabbed an accusing finger at Naruto. "This is Henge, isn't it? So Naruto decided to become Sakura and Sakura decided to become Naruto! Hey, not a bad impression. You've got Sakura's forehead down to a T." She gave Naruto a thumb's up of approval.

Naruto gulped nervously. Henge? Again? "Well, no, I'm not Naruto." _At least, not in the flesh._

"Oh?" Ino crossed her arms before herself and looked over her shoulder at Sakura. "Somehow, I don't believe that."

Sakura decided to curl up in a ball again and moan, not at all faking, in pain. Doubt flashed across Ino's face for a moment.

"Um, look." What was it that Sakura had said would keep her parents from asking questions? Naruto grabbed Ino's upper arm and pulled her out into the hallway. "Look. I'm going through, um, a phase." He spoke solemnly and with a dark vocal tone in the same manner that persons exchanged secrets with that served the purpose of barely providing even the barest hint of an explanation, but generally led to a subject change.

"A phase?" Ino must have understood something, because she instantly looked sympathetic. "I see. Ah, that explains it. Yes, you do usually act strange." She nodded her head knowingly, and Naruto fought not to look as confused as he felt. "I see. Yes. Yes. And you and Naruto couldn't have possibly have done _it_ under those conditions. Yes." She patted Naruto's shoulder, instantly caring, as if someone had riled some maternal instinct in her. "Don't worry, we both know these 'phases' just last a few days."

Ino turned her back to Naruto then and walked toward the kitchen. "Tell you what, I'll make breakfast — yeah, and I'll even make some for Naruto — and explain the mission to you."

Naruto blinked in confusion and followed after, pausing only to glance in on Sakura, who waved him away from the pile of covers on the floor that she curled herself up in. As he followed Ino, who probably knew more of where the cooking ingredients for waffles were than he did, he couldn't help but hope someone out there was having as bad a morning as he.

And when Ino had said, "And you and Naruto couldn't have possible have done it under those conditions," what did she mean by _it_ and _those conditions_?

Becoming a girl certainly hadn't made it any easier in understanding what they thought.

Behind him, Sakura was glad that Ino always found it easier to blame misbehavior on PMS. If it made Ino excuse "Sakura's" behavior as being uncharacteristic, more power to her.

* * *

As for those people having just as bad a morning as Naruto and Sakura... 

"Umm. What's this?" Asuma cautiously poked at the thing that sat in the very middle of his plate. It didn't look too edible, being mostly pink flesh and about the same size as his thumb. His head was ducked low under the cloud of smoke that hung heavily beneath the ceiling, skimming his hair and lurking about like an ominous warning. Beside the trash can in the far corner was what was left of the fire alarm after it had been ripped from the wall and stomped on multiple times.

"It's sausage." Gai didn't looked up from where he stood partially bent over the cooking stove. He and Asuma ignored Kurenai, who methodically pounded her forehead against the top of the kitchen table at which she and Asuma were seated.

"Is it supposed to be this undercooked?" Asuma wondered as he speared the lump with his fork and studied it intensely. He nibbled the end of his cigarette in trepidation.

Gai finally looked up from where he was watching the frying pan and the eggs burning within it. "Why? Is it still moving?"

Kurenai froze in mid-pound as Asuma carefully placed the lump back on his plate and stood up, his upper body disappearing into the smoke. "I just remembered a mission I have to set up for Sakura and Ino," he said, ignoring any effect of smoke on his lungs. He smiled at Kurenai through the smoke, who turned a murderous gaze upon Gai, and hoped he still had a place to sleep on her couch when he got back. He was going to have to make another inquiry at the realtor's office today, but dreaded the idea. Since Orochimaru's attack on Konoha, the number of homeless people had risen dramatically and available, still-in-one-piece realty was in high demand.

But until Asuma could find (or even _afford_) another place to stay, Kurenai shouldn't grouch at him. It wasn't as if _he_ were to blame for a certain legendary Sennin stopping Orochimaru's snakes by summoning a frog on top of _his_ apartment complex.

In the back of his mind, as he scurried along rooftops, toward the end of the village that had been unscathed from the fierce battle, to a house that sat beside the great wall amidst a sea of green trees and green lawns, Asuma vaguely hoped that Sakura would have some decent breakfast food. Behind him, the clouds of smoke billowed out of Kurenai's windows.

* * *

Sakura lifted herself from the floor, braced an elbow against her bed, and pushed to stand upright. She swayed unsteadily on her feet, the floor beneath her rocking slightly. At least her headache was beginning to ease. 

Henge. It had taken Sakura some time to get used to being inside a body completely disproportionate to her own. Naruto hadn't been able to access and use her chakra. Of course he also didn't have the control that she had, the control that Kakashi had said was more advanced than both Naruto's and Sasuke's. But as much as Sakura wanted to think Henge was possible, as much as she wanted to believe that she had the ability to access Naruto's chakra, there was a bitter taste in her mouth as her mind swiftly ran through the instances she had seen Naruto use it. Aside from the fact he had far more than her, there remained the uncomfortable notion that she didn't have sufficient knowledge to do what Naruto did. Unlike Sakura, Naruto knew how to work with and use two different sources of chakra at a single time. She didn't. What if she accidentally accessed and used the nine-tailed fox's chakra? What if she accidentally used both and couldn't control either?

Except... What if the reason Naruto couldn't use her chakra was because he had been trying to draw it from two different sources? If that were the case, it would explain why he couldn't use Henge. By trying to draw it from two different sources at once, he could get neither because of how different were the lines and depths between Sakura's chakra and his chakra. She had better control than he, so if she just tried to tap Naruto's personal source of chakra without dipping into the nine-tailed fox's supplies, then she wouldn't have the same problem as Naruto.

Plagued with doubts, Sakura was too scared to venture forth and try anything. At least, not inside her house. Sakura loathed the idea of explaining to her parents why it blew up if she decided to use Henge and it came to that. When her concussion was cured, she would have to make her way outside the fort and practice in the solitude of the woods. For now, she had to leave her house and go back to Naruto's house for (she glanced down at herself) some clothes. No wonder Ino had taken it all the wrong way.

Except now that the cover of darkness was gone, she couldn't run through the streets half-naked. And she wasn't going to wear any of _her_ clothes. Despite the fact that this was Naruto's body, she was the one occupying it, and she could never be able to live down the embarrassment of anyone seeing her, as Naruto, wearing a dress. That meant she have to raid her father's clothes, and that meant (because he was so meticulous concerning his wardrobe and would instantly know if someone had been roaming through it) she would have to sift through the seasonal clothes stored in the attic.

"Papa?" Sakura jumped as a fuzzy, fluff-filled creature landed on her shoulder. M-chan wound her tail around Sakura's neck and clung to the short, blond hair. "Papa?"

"What are you doing here?" Sakura asked.

The stuffed monkey looked at her, and then glanced away. "Followed," she said, one stuffed paw rubbing her head. Sakura laughed and shrugged.

"Ah. You're a good little monkey." She patted M-chan's head and made her way out of her bedroom. The stairs to the attic were in the far corner of the upstairs. The sound of soft arguing drifted over to where she stood, leaning slightly against the doorframe and waiting for the sense of dizziness to pass. M-chan looked at Sakura with human-like worry.

"No! No! You added too much salt!"  
"The recipe called for a dish!"  
"It said dash, you stupid forehead girl! Arg! Are you sure you aren't Naruto in disguise? How can you be so smart at the academy and yet so _stupid_ in the kitchen?"

"You have no idea what I'm going through, so back off!"

Sakura turned away from the voices in worry. Naruto didn't have her intelligence and memory. This was never going to work, she pretending to be him and he pretending to be her. Not for two days, it wouldn't. She found herself making her way back to the bathroom. She stood before the mirror, not quite able to focus upon her features because her vision was still blurry. She folded her hands before herself and concentrated, closing her eyes to better visualize herself as Sakura.

"Henge!" she cried, releasing the chakra. It washed and flowed through her, an overwhelming sensation of too much power at her own beck and call. It was slightly tainted with the malevolence of something darker, more immense, and infinitely stronger than herself. Instantly, she could feel the nine-tailed fox's presence rising to the surface, bloodlust washing through her and Inner Sakura fruitlessly hurrying behind the nine-tailed fox to push it back down. She felt her body surge and shift, the ends of her fingers grow longer and her eyes bulge — all of which had never before happened when she used Henge.

Sakura abruptly stopped the flow of chakra. Its loss felt like a physical blow to the gut, and she gasped for breath as she gripped the edge of the bathroom's sink and trembled in fear. Both the nine-tailed fox and Inner Sakura were quiet, and hovered on the edge of her consciousness. But at least her head didn't ache anymore.

Sakura's eyes flew open, and they were focused upon _her_ image in the mirror above the bathroom sink and directly before her. Well, it was sort of her. Despite the pink hair, wide forehead, and red dress, Sakura still had Naruto's blue eyes and those annoying whisker-like markings on her face. There was no way anyone could think she wasn't Naruto poorly masquerading as herself. With a sigh, she released the layer of chakra that maintained the illusion and became Naruto once more. Naruto, who wore white boxers and no longer had ugly bruising on his forehead...?!

Sakura leaned forward in awe and prodded her forehead. The bruising, pain, and concussion were all gone. All that remained as the light scar, and she had a feeling that that too would rapidly fade.

Relieved at the absence of pain and her vision functioning correctly, Sakura left the bathroom for the attic. Unlike the one she had to clean with Naruto yesterday, her parents' attic was spic and span as the rest of the house. Papa made sure to sweep and dust it at least twice a month as Mother looked on, supervising as she usually did. Among the neatly stacked boxes (all of which were neatly labeled and had detailed lists of what was within the box pasted on the sides of the boxes where they could be read), Sakura found a box that said, "Papa's vacation clothes." It gave a brief listing of shorts, shirts, sunhats, ties, socks, and a few other things that Sakura glanced over but didn't mentally register. She tugged the box free of its stack and placed it on the floor, then carefully pried the lid off and looked inside.

No. No no no no no. This was just...

She sighed. Well, it beat cross-dressing by a slight fraction. Besides, it was still early, so it was unlikely anyone she or Naruto knew would see her. From the box, she reluctantly removed the shirt, the shorts, and the gigantic straw hat. She gently pushed the box to the side so she knew which one she got the clothes from (they would have to be put back before her parents came home because, typical of them, they would immediately go on a cleaning spree which meant everything would also be checked and rearranged). She pulled the shirt and shorts on and dawned the straw hat. There. She was ready.

M-chan jumped and landed on the brim of her straw hat. "Papa?"  
"You can contribute to the disguise," Sakura told her. "Now, come along. We've got to get back to Naruto's place before I'm spotted in this clown getup." She hurried out of the attic and to the outlanding's railing where she could see the corner of the kitchen. "Sakura, Ino," she called, "I'm going back to my place."

Naruto looked around the kitchen's corner, his hair and white tennis outfit covered with white flour. His eyes widened at Sakura's state of dress, and she glared at him, daring him to say anything. "I've got a mission with Ino," Naruto said after a moment, "so I can't help you finish the attic." His face was filled with concern and worry. _I can't help you look for a solution, _his eyes seemed to say. _And what happens if something else happens from all that weird stuff? _

"Don't worry," Sakura said quickly. "I'll finish it." _I'll be careful,_ she tried to answer with her own eyes.

"What about your headache?"

"It's fine for now," Sakura said truthfully. "And besides, I heal quickly." _You freak, no wonder why your wounds never bother you! _

Naruto grinned and nodded his head firmly once to show he understood. _Yeah, ain't it great? _

"Bah!" Ino's voice carried well, despite not being very loud. "He's just leaving so he doesn't have to eat your cooking, you worthless troll."

Naruto disappeared back into the kitchen. "I don't blame him," he replied honestly. Sakura didn't hear Ino's reply, as she had hurried back into her room and leapt out of the window with M-chan clinging to the brim of Papa Haruno's straw hat.

* * *

Sasuke sat up in bed, blinking tiredly and stared at, without seeing, the foot of his bed. The sunshine that poured through his open window tried to beckon him forth into wakefulness. 

_Come, Sasuke-chan,_ the sunshine seemed to sing, chorused by the birds that twittered outside his open window. _Awaken! Come dance and play in the great waltz of life!_

"Fuck you," Sasuke muttered, rolling over and pulling the pillow over his head.

_ Wakey wakey! It's a new day! You have your whole life waiting ahead of you! _

He stubbornly curled into a ball. "Forget life. I need my sleep."

_ But just think of all that you can get done today!_ The sun's powers continued to grow, reaching the edge of his bed and creeping upward like a certain pervert sneaking through a woman's bathhouse.

Sasuke finally sat upright. He hated mornings. If he were God, he would do away with mornings so only afternoons and evenings existed.

Either that, or buy some window blinds.

Sasuke ground the heel of his palm into his eyes to wipe the sleep away, stood up, stretched, yawned, and continued with his daily ritual of forcing his body to wake up. First, there was the eight cups of tea, to which extra caffeine had been added. And sugar — _lots_ of sugar. (One of these days, he would face the fact that he was hopelessly addicted to it. But now was not the time.) Next, there was the hour long, painfully cold shower. With that all done, the temperature in his little apartment had already begun to rise sharply. By noon, it would be unbearably warm. The stark contrast between this and his shower was the final shock that woke him completely.

Yawning, he walked over to his window. He slid the glass up and lifted a single leg over the windowsill. He paused, sitting sideways on the sill as he looked over Konoha from his viewpoint. He felt nothing as he looked at the buildings, except the sense of not being alone. He had felt as if he was being watched and had been since that fight with Naruto. He gritted his teeth. He had to continue helping with the school children for now until Kakashi came back from the mission. But as soon as the academy was out, he could sneak out of the fort to do some training. Hah. Naruto wasn't going to one-up _him_.

Sasuke pushed the bitterness away as he swung the other leg over the sill. He slid down the roof's outcropping until he reached the edge, and then glanced around on the street below. It wouldn't do to land on someone who was hurrying along. Like that eyesore that was barraging down the street, approaching at a rapid speed. Good god, what a fashion disaster. Sasuke eyed the oversized shirt, its print blinding with its brightly colored fluorescent pink flamingoes and green tropical plants. The shorts were only slightly better, with their plaid print of yellow, white, and peach. And that straw hat! What was the point of having a stuffed monkey pinned to its brim?

He waited until the person passed beneath his perch before he jumped off. As he landed on the street with a clatter of his shoes against the pavement, the person's head swiveled about. With a very familiar yelp of dismay, the person twisted about and his speed increased drastically. Sasuke blinked in surprise.

_Naruto_?! 


	6. Missions and resolutions

The Sound-nin scrambled desperately through the woods, his speed blinding and headlong in his desperate rush. His fellow shinobis had been torn limb from limb, shredded to bits without remorse. To make matters worse, there weren't enough left to tell how thorough any inflicted damage before death had been, so they must have been partially eaten. How anything could have been that strong to do _that_ to two of Orochimaru's strongest fighters was a concept that hurt to consider. To complicate matters was _that_ boy, the vessel of the nine-tailed fox. In the Sound-nin's mind, the only creature that was strong and bloodthirsty enough had to have been the nine-tailed fox. The timing was there, the insanity fit into the picture, and a person would wear only their boxers if they shed blood-covered clothes.

What bothered the Sound-nin was he hadn't noticed any blood under Naruto's fingernails or face. If the boy was so far gone in his madness, how could he take the time to clean the evidence off? If he did, he should have gotten clean clothes on rather than run amuck in his underwear.

But the two instances had to be connected. He felt it in his bones and his brother agreed with him. There were no coincidences in life; the strings brought everything together as subtle connections that influenced future events.

Already pushing fast enough to blur and barely touching the branches he launched himself from, the Sound-nin's reckless pace increased ever so slightly.

* * *

Sakura dashed into Naruto's little apartment with break-necking speeds. She slammed the door shut behind her and leaned heavily against it, gasping desperately for breath as she placed a hand over her heaving chest. She had been spotted by a dozen people no less, and the first had been Sasuke-kun! She touched a hand to her face, felt how warm her skin was and knew her face wasn't red due completely to exertion. M-chan jumped from the brim of her hat and scurried across the wooden floor in search of the sort of things that stuffed monkeys tended to search for.

Sakura yanked the hat from her head and peeled the ridiculous shirt off. She kicked the shorts free, and the sandals flew from her feet with two more vicious kicks. Clad once more in only her boxers, she hurried to Naruto's room and began rummaging through his things. Orange jumper. Orange jumper. Orange jumper. Oh look, how shocking — another orange jumper! Sakura put her hands on her hips and surveyed the clothes. All were slightly baggy and just a little too big to fit properly. She looked upwards, as if to ask some Greater Being why. _Konoha Orphan Fund,_ she thought to herself in explanation. It allowed Naruto just enough of a stipend to get by on cheap food bought in bulk, and the clothes looked like they came from a factory closeout. It would explain why they were slightly too big and why he had so many. At least it was better to be oversized than undersized; Naruto's clothes would fit until he hit a growth spurt.

Still, anything was better than her father's clothes. Sakura made a face just thinking of how much courage it took to wear them through the streets, even as another person. She reluctantly dressed in an orange jumper that smelled relatively clean (_Mental note to self_, Sakura thought, _must do a load of laundry_. There was no way she was going to live two more days in Naruto's little flat without doing something; years of living in a house where dirtiness was fought with a vigor that would have put the ANBU on their missions to shame had left a deep influence on Sakura), and then hurriedly gathered the dirty clothes into a misshapen pile in the far corner of the room. A small, frog-like purse tumbled out of a stray armload. She absently picked it up and stuck it in her pocket as she kicked a few stray socks into the pile. With that fulfilled, Sakura, hitching up the bottom half of her jumper with a purposeful frown, marched off to the attic for more searching.

When M-chan realized she was being left behind, she scurried after Papa.

* * *

Asuma landed before the front door. He paused long enough to put out and tuck his cigarette out of sight. Prior experience with Mother Haruna indicated that she would take the cigarette from him while wearing latex gloves, flush the cigarette down the toilet, and then fumigate both house and visitor with Lysol. It was a traumatizing experience that he was still trying to forget.

He knocked once on the door, and then allowed himself into the house when no one answered. As he closed the door behind himself and stooped to remove his sandals, Ino poked her head around a corner. "Asuma-sensei," she said brightly, "Sakura and I nearly have breakfast ready if you care to have some."

That sounded promisingly edible. "Ah. What are we having?" he asked as he kicked off his sandals beside the door and then trod through the hallway. It never failed to amaze him how he could clearly see his own reflection in the hardwood floor. Since both Harunas worked as housecleaners, it always amazed him how much energy they had left over to clean their own house so thoroughly.

Then he made it into the kitchen.

The change from sparkly clean to a disaster zone of dirty pots and pans, flour everywhere, scattered dishes, and slopped dough was a shock to Asuma. He felt an odd sense of displacement, as if the Universe was spinning out of place or reality was disoriented. He had to lean against the wall for support as his mind stuttered to a shocked halt. This . . . This did not fit into his scheme of reality! _Denial_! His brain screamed. _Pretend you are elsewhere!_

"Here!" Their faces were stretched with the proudest smiles he had ever seen, Ino and Sakura, both white from head to toe (although, for Sakura, that might have more to do with her uncharacteristic outfit than anything else) as if they had attacked one another with bags of flour. They promptly handed him a plate piled high with waffles and watched him warily. Asuma was beginning to feel as if he'd been had. He prodded the waffles with his chopstick — no, not rubbery or undercooked. They looked a lovely golden brown with a crisp outside. He sniffed; nothing out of the ordinary.

"Ah," he said, because he couldn't think of how to tactfully say he decided to trust their cooking. He carefully made his way around the various strewn pots and pans, the larger piles of flour, and the sticky spots where dough had been spilt, to the kitchen table that was only lightly covered with flour and cooking utensils. He scrutinized it carefully — look at that! Some part of the table was actually (fairly) clean! He swept the seat of one chair clean with his hand before seating himself.

"Where's the syrup?" Ino asked Sakura.

Sakura shrugged. "Dunno," she said.

"You live here! How can you not know?"

Sakura looked surprised for a moment, frowned thoughtfully a moment more, and then said, "You think my parents trust me to be in their kitchen long enough to find out where syrup is kept?"

Ino put her hands on her hips. "Do you really want me to answer that?" she asked darkly. She flicked a finger against Sakura's forehead and smudged the flour there.

"I don't need syrup," Asuma said assuredly. The girls stopped arguing and looked at him in surprise. He swiftly cut the waffles into bite-sized pieces and confidently took a bite. He chewed; his eyes watered up. _Check that,_ he thought desperately as he felt steam starting to leak from his ears, _Syrup — I need _lots _of syrup!_ Trying desperately not to make a face (and not really succeeding), Asuma barely managed to gulp down the mouthful. He smiled apologetically to the girls, and stood up. "I just remembered another engagement," he said hurriedly. "Ah, yes, your mission. I'll give you the details, and then I must be off."

The girls glanced with some uncertainty to the waffles, but before they could ask any questions, Asuma hurried on. "Due to the increased tension and worry for attacks, the Postal Service has decided to hire the help of some experienced ninjas." _Unfortunately, you two are just about all we have, _he thought. "As a C class mission, your one responsibility is to accompany the Postal Service worker on his delivery to Kikorrin. You are not expected to fight; it is hoped that by having extra manpower and the assurance of experienced fighters that the Postal Service worker feel more confident in himself. Should a fight occur, it is your prerogative to see that the mail is delivered. Fight only if you absolutely must; escape must be your first option. We ordinarily would not give a C rank mission to you two, but Kakashi believes that you," he looked at Sakura, "can handle this calmly, rationally, and to the best of your abilities and I _know_ can trust you, Ino," he said as he looked at her. "I do not know yet who the worker is, but you'll meet him at the Post Office."

Asuma looked at the girls with some worry. It hadn't been his idea to stick the two together with a mission, considering how bitter they acted toward each other. The Hokage had insisted though, saying she couldn't afford rivalries in the village, and the two were going to work together or die trying. Asuma hoped it wouldn't come to _that_ extreme. "Do you feel up to this mission?"

Sakura shrugged. It seemed off to Asuma that Sakura should look so disappointed. Surely working with Ino wasn't _that_ bad, and he would have expected anyone to be happy to get out of Konoha, even if they were in such troublesome times. "You shall report to the Postal Office before eight," Asuma said. "I expect you can do this without my help." With that said, he hurried out of the kitchen and out of the Haruna household. He knew of a decent teriyaki stand that was open this early in the day...

* * *

Sakura's stomach decided to protest its emptiness by growling loudly and adding a twist of pain _just_ as she passed the teriyaki stand. She froze in mid-step and winced, hugging her stomach and trying to remember the last time she had had anything to eat. At least it wasn't ramen, she figured as she looked over the stand. With a sigh, she rummaged through her pockets, found Naruto's purse, and weighed its contents expertly in her hand. Hmmm. There was more than enough there to cover a small bowl of chicken teriyaki. Naruto must have received his stipend not too long ago, or perhaps he had saved from the last few missions. Sakura walked over to the stand and seated herself. She glanced critically over the menu and added a small glass of ice water to her original order when asked if she wanted anything to drink.

Sakura found herself comfortably falling into her old habits. Without realizing it, she had crossed her ankles ladylike despite being too short for her feet to touch the ground from where she was seated, folded her napkin demurely on her lap, and laid her chopsticks delicately across her mat. She sighed and closed her eyes, listening to the sounds of bustling, the waking people beginning to pass her on the street, the cooking food, Asuma-sensei sitting down beside her and wishing her a good morning—

Uh oh.

"H-hi," Sakura said nervously as the Jounin folded his arms on the countertop and squinted at the menu posted above the grill. "Fancy meeting you here."

Asuma nodded his head in absent-minded agreement. "I know. Came here looking for something edible, since the waffles Sakura and Ino offered left much to be desired. You'd think that with two girls who successfully completed their special course in undercover, traditional female menial labor could actually _cook_."

Inner Sakura popped up out of nowhere, the nine-tailed fox as absent as she had been before Asuma's comment. "Screw you, you misogynist pig!" she yelled in Sakura's mind, thankfully unheard by the rest of the world. "And I can _too_ cook!" They heard the kyuubi snorted derisively at that, but wisely remained silent afterwards.

Clearly, discretion was the better part of valor, here. Sakura watched Asuma from the corner of her eye. There was a relaxed air about him that, despite being laidback, still held a shadow of seriousness. The man worked with three very difficult children who had nothing in common with one another, and somehow managed to forge them into a cohesive team; he had to have some marginal intelligence and quite a bit of talent, and Sakura was suddenly filled with the need to pull him aside and confide all her problems in him. She didn't look forward to searching the attic, and she had an itch on her leg where M-chan clung. She wanted to break the plans she had made with Naruto — and why not? It wasn't as if she specifically said_, I promise_.

Still, Naruto trusted her to stick it out for these two remaining days, and Asuma looked relaxed, puffing languidly on his lit cigarette. He looked as if he had temporarily removed himself from stress and worries and was enjoying it immensely. She couldn't bother him with her problems. Sakura's hands twisted her white napkin. She couldn't disturb this fragile peace he basked in.

Asuma glanced sideways and noticed Sakura's tension. "Is something the matter?" he asked.

She jumped, startled. "Ah, n-no!" She laughed, the tips of her fingers pressed lightly against her lips. "No! Nothing is wrong! Wh-why would you say that?"

"You aren't acting like yourself."

Sakura froze in horror. The server set the small bowl of food before her, and she swiftly turned to it, grabbing the chopsticks and splitting them sloppily. "Heh. Oh boy!" she cried in false happiness. "Teriyaki! It's not ramen but it'll do!" She noisily gulped down a mouthful and glanced sideways to see if she had somehow managed to put Asuma's fears to rest. He was leaning on one elbow and holding his cigarette lightly between two fingers.

"You're trying too hard," he said knowingly, giving her an expression of, _I know you're up to something_, and the food suddenly became tasteless in her mouth. No longer hungry, Sakura pushed her bowl to the side and stared at the tabletop, fighting down the urge to throw her arms around Asuma, bury her head against his shoulders, and sob her heart out.

This was stupid. She couldn't hold up this charade; Naruto couldn't hold up the charade. Why did she agree to those two days again? She turned to Asuma, who placed his order, and opened her mouth to explain the entire story, but something stopped her. Perhaps it was the flashing memory of Naruto resolutely holding up three fingers; perhaps it was the sinister snicker that tickled her mind. Whatever it was, she stopped, and then smiled wanly at Asuma. "I'll be all right," she said. "It's just one of those times."

"Really?"

A brainstorm struck. "Yeah. You know how it is, I mean, we're guys, so I can say this openly, right?" Sakura looked around; no one passing seemed to be interested in them, and the cook was whistling merrily as he concentrated on his tasks. "You know, this whole thing about puberty is really, um..." She blushed, despite of herself.

Inner Sakura poked her awareness. "Are you trying to say what I think you're trying to say?" she asked Sakura in disbelief. She suddenly flashed the victory sign. "SCORE!" _Shut up!_ Sakura pushed her Inner self out of the big picture and tried to ignore the resentful grumbling that took place in the background of her thoughts and the dark, amused chuckling from a different source.

Asuma cleared his throat. "Ah, yes, trying times, trying times," he said knowingly with a nod of his head and a flashing look of relief. "Just from personal experience along, I know how difficult it can be." Sakura hunched her shoulders forward and hoped he wouldn't go into any embarrassing anecdotes. "But it's not going to be easier for you, and probably less so when you haven't any parents." He gave Sakura a concerned look, and then reached his hand out and settled it on her shoulder, in a comradely guy-to-guy manner. "If you ever need to know about anything or just need someone to talk to — especially another guy — I'm here for you."

Sakura gave him a smile of relief. "Thank you," she said honestly, although if she told him anything it certainly wouldn't involve puberty.

The cook put a bowl before Asuma, who turned from Sakura and grabbed his chopsticks. "Although," he said hurriedly, the words rushing headlong as if he had seen an escape up ahead and it was close to outrunning him, "although such matters may be better discussed with Jiraiya-sensei. He's more _experienced_ in such matters as, um, _that_."

Sakura hoped it wouldn't come to _that_. While she had never personally met Jiraiya, the things she had heard from Naruto (peeking in the women's bath? Honestly!) was enough for her to suspect Jiraiya hadn't completed his _own_ transition through puberty. She looked down at her bowl of chicken teriyaki and mechanically finished eating. She and Asuma ate in silence, but she finished before he did. "I have to finish yesterday's mission," she said, bouncing off her stool. She tried to ignore the persisting itch where M-chan clung. Asuma looked up from his meal.

"Are you not finished with it?" he asked.

"S-still have to put some equipment away, like brooms," Sakura said. "We stopped when it got too dark, and I also wanted to make sure that it looked as clean in the light as it did last night after the sun set." She held her breath; the last thing she needed was Asuma coming along to check her work, although she didn't know why he would. When he went back to eating his teriyaki, Sakura made her escape, bouncing to the roofs of the surrounding buildings and moving toward the east where the attic was.

She practically flew over the rooftops. It was surprising how little effort she needed to actually move, how much stronger Naruto's body was than her own.

It made her feel strangely inadequate. Here she was, one of the two smartest ninjas to graduate this year from the academy (she wasn't sure where to place Shikamaru since, all things considering, he certainly lacked what motivation she _had_), and she was hard-put to keep pace with someone who flunked three times before he _actually_ graduated.

What had she been doing, all those years, by mooning after... Well, she wouldn't follow that line of thought when she couldn't even cook! Well, she could, sort of, if it came in a package and the only requirements were adding water and/or heating.

With a sigh, Sakura hurried onward.

* * *

First impressions are often the most influential, and so far, Ino's first impression of the Postal Service worker wasn't a very good one. In her opinion, he was a balding, rotund little man with too much stomach and mustache, but not enough spine. In the time she and Sakura had been with him, he had dismissed Ino as a dumb blonde, demanded to know how someone as flaky as Sakura was going to protect him, thought this entire delivery wasn't worth his pension, and why again was everyone so sure that two little brats could possibly be enough to protect him?

_Protect him from who?_ Ino thought scornfully. _Us_?

Since they were trying to protect the man, Ino and Sakura both refrained from giving him a solid kick or three. Instead, the two gritted their teeth in what a half-blind eighty-year-old, toothless woman would have politely called a smile. Sakura had been in a poor mood, although Ino could hardly see how that was different from other times, but she was acting odd. That is to say, while Ino had always known Sakura was a little off whenever she PMSed, this was off the wall. Of course, given Sakura's track record since the Chunin exam and that really odd entity that had literally tossed out Ino, Ino supposed she shouldn't be surprised.

"Can't we just leave him tied to a tree and deliver the mail ourselves?" Sakura asked behind her hand as she shot the postal worker a shifty look when his attention diverted elsewhere. There was something completely uncharacteristic about the way she walked with her feet turned inward, the way she held her head and angled her shoulders. It was almost as if she and Naruto _had_ switched places, but Henge was out of the question. (Just to be sure, Ino had "accidentally" whacked Sakura several times during their waffles-making episode, but never once did Sakura's appearance change. Ino knew Sakura didn't have the stamina to hold Henge through multiple physical attacks. They'd also been together since early morning and Ino didn't know of anyone not Jounin level who could maintain Henge for great periods of time.)

They walked together down the road, the Postal worker lurking between them and sending fugitive glances at his surroundings. Ino and Sakura were quiet for a time, neither willing to break the heavy silence that loomed over them like an ominous thunderhead. Still, Ino was the first to break the silence.

"Why are you dressed all in white?"

" 'Cause it beat pink," Sakura replied somewhat absent-mindedly.

"Oooh?" Ino thought this was a curious point, since Sakura decided that pink was a good, feminine color that would attract Sasuke's attention.

"It's the only non-pink that I had," Sakura said, finally becoming more aware of Ino. She gave Ino a strange look, almost as if to ask why it was a shock that she should be wearing something that lacked a black bull's eye.

"Don't you have anything else?"

"Besides underwear?"

Ino hissed and jerked her head toward the Postal worker. His name was unknown to the two of Genins, since both were determined to forget about him as soon as their mission was completed. Sakura looked away, and Ino clapped her hands cheerfully. "We should go shopping!" she declared happily. "It'll cheer you up and provide you with clothes that aren't pink!"

Sakura looked suspicious. Well, that was nothing new. "Why?" she asked carefully, edging slightly away as Ino grinned manically.

Ino wagged a finger. "I've been thinking," she said ("Uhoh!" declared the Postal worker, "blonde thinking alert!" to which Ino considered several miserable and painful ways to kill him, but discarded all simply because they couldn't possibly convey her irritation with the silly little man), "of how we lost touch, of how _nice_ it would be to do something together."

"Eh?" One of Sakura's eyebrows arched upward in disbelief.

"Why should this be so difficult for you to understand?" Ino demanded impatiently.

The Postal worker snorted. "Look, I'm not paying to have you two to girl-bond on duty."

Rather than acting affronted, Ino chose to laugh at Sakura's puzzled expression. "That's it!" she crowed triumphantly. "Girl-bonding! We haven't done it since, oh, we were yaaay high," she waved her hand somewhere in the vicinity of her knees, "and we had finished our flower arrangement classes."

Sakura's eyes were wide. Poor dear must have been shocked at Ino's open display at friendship. She ought to do this more often if Sakura proved to be this surprised at the idea of girl-bonding. (This, of course, was ignoring the fact that Sakura's expression was more of a deer-caught-in-the-ninjas'-game-of-tag look than it was surprise.)

* * *

They were attacked around noon by rabid squirrels. "Happens all the time around here," said the Postal worker conversationally as he stood off to the side of the road where not a single living creature would approach him while he smoked a gigantic, evil-smelling cigar. "Feed one little bugger and refuse to do it again so the whole lot attacks you," he added. "But don't worry – at least the wild geese aren't located on _this_ run." He dodged one flung squirrel as Naruto screamed in fury and threw them left and right as soon as they fell on him. Ino was situated behind the Postal worker. She had said somebody needed to watch his back, but Naruto secretly suspected Ino was hiding in the ill-smelling safety of the cigar smoke.

Huffing, puffing, red in the face, Naruto tried to perform his Kagebunshin without Ino noticing, but he still couldn't summon Sakura's chakra. He finally resorted to stepping on those misfortunate enough to get under his feet.

They made satisfying crunches.

* * *

Nothing. Sakura carefully checked over her shoulder and tossed the book over it. It landed where it wouldn't upset something. The last time she had carelessly tossed a book had led to being attacked by shadows that she had only managed to get rid of by running into the sunlight that filtered through the window. Other incidences that occurred—-the never ending laughter in one hand mirror when she picked it up (she didn't see what was so funny about her reflection), the chair with the gaping maw that chased her (reminiscent of the trunk), and _another_ stuffed monkey (this one without a tail and its 'fur' a charcoal gray) had attached itself to her and calling her grandfather—were almost enough to make her give up. _What about that book Naruto mentioned_? she wondered. Perhaps she should be reading that instead of trying to sort through this mess.

With a reluctant sigh, Sakura carefully began to pack everything away. She ducked another shadow that tried to grab her about the shoulders, ruthlessly beat off the flying carpet from her and Naruto's last attic expedition as it tried to fling itself at her, and methodically began to put everything in its place and cover all with the sheets. It was quicker to pack everything now that she recognized the various levels of danger, and she did so briskly, moving with the grace and efficiency she had acquired from years of following her parents' orders. She moved from one end of the attic to the other, sweeping up dust and scooping it into the thick burlap bag Grandmother Puu had silently handed to her the moment she stepped into the house. (Grandmother Puu hadn't asked any questions, such as where was "Sakura" and why hadn't they finished earlier; Sakura didn't volunteer anything since she hadn't been asked.) As she cleaned and packed, Sakura carefully kept her mind blank of the personal inadequacy that had been nagging her since she ran along the roofs after speaking with Asuma.

Without realizing it, Sakura bumped backwards into the shelf from which the statue that caused the mess had fallen. She whipped around and steadied it with one strong hand. The various knick-knack rocked and swayed, but none fell. She brushed a hand over the edge, wiping away the dust and studying the other artifacts. She wondered if there was a statue that could reverse the effect.

She stopped, her hand freezing in mid-brush, and then slowly turned to stare at the empty, undisturbed dust on the shelf. Her body was rigid as she shook her head slowly, trying to deny what she wasn't seeing.

The remains of the shattered statue were gone.

Sakura tried to process it; she tried to ignore the malicious laughter beginning to rise in the deeper recesses of her mind; she tried not to think of how it was Naruto — always Naruto and always Sasuke — being the strong ones physically and mentally, because she couldn't handle the situation even in Naruto's body. She leaned away from the shelf, stumbled backwards until she tripped over the puzzled purple monkey and landed hard on her backside. "Two days," she said slowly, her voice edging on hysteria. The laughter grew. Sakura dropped the broom she clung to as if it had burned her, and leapt out of the attic through the window in an attempt to outrun the laughter and inadequacy.

* * *

"Should we?" Ino asked Naruto as the Postal worker scratched fiercely at his skin, glowering coldly at the two Genin.

Naruto shrugged. "He's the one who ran into the poison ivy to hide, not us."

Ino nodded her head and pumped a fist in the air. "Exactly! So apologizing would be out of the question."

"You brats! I oughta strip right here and now and jump into the river!"

Ino and Naruto shuddered. "That," Ino told Naruto behind one hand, "is a sight we can do without!" The Postal worker huffed, dropped his knapsack of mail from his shoulders, and began to open his buttons one by one. Both Naruto and Ino cringed as the flabby, hairy chest was slowly revealed.

Naruto glowered. "I say we toss him into the river before he has a chance to finish."

Ino nodded sharply. "Right."

They rolled up their sleeves and pounced on the Postal worker before he had finished unbuttoning his uniform. The bag of mail was kicked in one direction (dry land), and the Postal worker was booted in another direction (not-so-dry land).

"YEEEK!" Splash!

"Sakura-chan," Ino said in a friendly manner as she put an arm around Naruto's shoulders and watched the Postal worker flounder in the water, "I think we can consider this a deed done good."

"Don't you mean a good deed done?" Naruto asked as he smoothly shrugged Ino's arm free. Ino grinned and grabbed Naruto's upper arm, steering him over to the shade where they proceeded to sit and wait for the Postal worker to splash his way to shore.

"That depends entirely upon whose point of view you look at."

* * *

Sakura numbly made her way through the streets, her arms wrapped around her shoulders. She whimpered quietly, trying to ignore the snarling threats, with all of the gory imagery and accompanying feelings of nausea, of the nine-tailed fox and Inner Sakura screaming at it to be quiet. She tried to ignore the itching at the very tips of her fingers, and the slight stretching of skin across her cheeks.

She tried to ignore the fact that this was only going to be two days.

No. She couldn't handle it. She was too weak; she didn't have the strength of character to last.

The statue was gone.

The statue couldn't be gone.

But it was.

She had voices in her head. This wasn't new, to be sure, but these voices had personalities far too large to fit in her head, let alone get along peacefully.

She and Naruto were in deep . . . well, it was _deep_.

The statue couldn't be gone! It just couldn't.

Oh, but it _was_.

Sakura wrestled with her doubts and fears, and didn't see Rock Lee when she passed him.

"Oh! Naruto-kun!"

Sakura hurried on. Rock Lee blinked, puzzled at being ignored. "How rude," he said finally, dejected from such scorn. _No one likes the cripple,_ he thought unhappily. With a sigh, he limped in the opposite direction with his crutches, and Sakura continued on, half-walking and half-running. She ignored most of her surroundings and vaguely took notice of people, but just enough not to walk into them. She barely missed stepping on one little kid as the squirt dashed out onto the street, almost tripping into Sakura.

"Sorry!" the kid called over his shoulder as he dashed through. Another passed Sakura. She stopped and looked wide-eyed in the direction they had come running, just in time to see a mob of children bearing down upon her.

"Eeek!" Sakura jumped the side and scrambled up a light post as the mob surged past, the children tripping and falling over each other to get away. "What's with them?" she asked herself, craning her neck and watching them disappear into the distance. She looked around to see what was chasing them, if any.

Sasuke trailed behind, his hands curled into tight fists at his sides, and his expression dark, angry, and contemplative of something violent yet satisfying. He was muttering something under his breath about sprogs, spawns of ogres, and parents should not breed without having a certain IQ level.

For just one moment, looking at his strength, at his gliding walk, he seemed to be a predator on the prowl. For just one moment, as the voices were drowned in the rising roar of silence in her mind, Sakura was able to disassociate from her current situation. For just one moment, she basked in his strength and abilities, the memories of being protected by him. For just one moment, she gave in to her true nature.

With a happy little squeak, Sakura slid down the post and pounced on Sasuke, her arms sliding around his neck. "Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke's hair stood on end as _Naruto's_ arms circled his throat. With an indignant yelp, Sasuke broke free of Sakura's hold and scrambled backwards, his eyes filled with shock and his fingers twisting in a sign to ward off evil.

Sakura realized belatedly of what she wasn't supposed to be doing. "Oops. Uh. I mean. Sasuke!" she yelled suddenly, pointing a finger at him while placing her other hand on her hip. "I'll get you one of these days you, you bastard!" Oh _shoot_. That didn't go over too well. Sasuke was giving her a look of mixed fear and revulsion, and Sakura decided to beat a hasty retreat while she still had some shreds of dignity left (somewhere; she was sure she had some… maybe). Without saying another word, she whipped about on her heel and bolted. Amused laughter, not tinted by viciousness or hatred, rang through her mind. It didn't sound as if it belonged to either the nine-tailed fox or Inner Sakura, yet it made her feel slightly better about her situation.

* * *

"Ooooh! This is sooo cute! You have to try this on!" And another bathing suit was tossed on top of Naruto's armload of clothes that Ino was piling on him. At this point, he had given up on being able to see over the material that was tickling his nose. His legs trembled from exertion and he breathed heavily, as if he had run a marathon. Who'd have thought that six hours of shopping fruitlessly for something that he didn't even like (and certainly couldn't afford) could be so tiring? In his old body it wouldn't have been a problem, but Sakura's body didn't have the stamina and strength that he needed. His arms were beginning to become fatigued, and all he wanted to do was sit down and not move.

And his breasts (er, Sakura's) hurt. He hadn't been so much aware of it until he felt the constant pressure of the clothes pressed continuously against his chest. Two days of this? There was no way he was going to survive! (Naruto eyed the frilly, barely-there bikini that Ino had added, and knew exactly what was going to happen if he tried it on and Sakura learned; he had less of a chance surviving that than these remaining two days.)

"This! This is so your color!" Ino held up a silk blouse of evergreen and threw that on top of the pile. It was the camel that broke Naruto's straw back. He collapsed as his strength and stamina were pushed beyond his limits, the clothes falling on top and smothering him under their heavy weight. "Honestly! It's not that bad!" He ignored Ino's sulking complaints as she dug him free of the pile. Dazed, he barely knew that she was leaning him against one stack of stuffed bras. "Are you okay, Sakura?" Ino asked finally with genuine concern. She pressed a hand against Naruto's forehead. "You don't have a temperature."

Naruto shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Weak," he muttered. He held his hands up and looked at them in amazement. _Sakura's_ fingers were long, _her_ hands small and _her_ wrists thin. It was such a delicate body. It lacked strength, stamina, and the pools of chakra he used so freely in his techniques. He suddenly grabbed Ino's hands and compared them with _Sakura's_. Ino's hands were larger and had calluses where _Sakura's_ had none. Did Sakura realize how much difference it made in fighting to have that little extra bit of strength, that little bit of extra speed? Chakra enhanced it, but if there was nothing to enhance, what was the point of perfect control?

Sakura's body needed help. Sakura needed help, but considering where he was and she was, he was best able to help Sakura by helping _her_ body.

"I gotta go," he said, somehow finding the strength to jump to his feet.

"Why? We don't have to report back for another two hours!"

"No. I gotta train." He hurried around the pile of dropped clothes and ducked under one saleswoman as she descended upon Naruto and Ino. Natural trouble-maker and rabble-rouser that he was before he became a Genin, Naruto easily broke free of the saleswoman's grasp on his shoulder. Ino, model student and daughter, didn't have the experience.

Naruto didn't feel guilty in the least for leaving Ino responsible for the dropped clothes. He had a mission: Find Sakura, inform her how he was going to train her body, and then _maybe_ get Pervert-Sensei's input on the quickest way to train a girl's body. It couldn't be any different from his, but then again, he still didn't know how to use Sakura's chakra.

* * *

"Trouble?" The Sound-nin ducked his head in a respectful bow for Kabuto, breathing heavily and his hands pressed firmly against his knees to hide the exhaustion that shook his limbs. "What sort of trouble?"

The Sound-nin trembled. "Two companions dead, killed by some unrecognizable beast. I should add, however, that the nine-tailed fox appears to be unstable, since its vessel last night beat his head against the pavement and yelled about it shutting up."

At the mention of the nine-tailed fox, something seemed to flash through Kabuto's eyes, but the moment was so fleeting and the look was so obscure that the Sound-nin might have imagined it. "Ah," he said, before falling silently into thought. He bowed his head until his chin nearly touched his chest, and he wrinkled his brow. After a moment, he lifted his head and adjusted his glasses "Tell me more; I'll relay it to Orochimaru-sama and see what he decides."

The Sound-nin smiled gratefully, since Orochimaru had a bad habit of punishing the messenger.

* * *

**author's notes:** To me, Sakura is Sakura and Naruto is Naruto. They just aren't in their bodies, but they have the same personalities and characteristics of what makes them _them_. Sakura still feels female, so she refers to herself as female; Naruto still feels male, so he refers to himself as male. Others see them as to which body they see; Ino will see Sakura, and Asuma will see Naruto. _Italicized_ pronouns and names are actual references to the _body_, not the person. The only other way to make the genders for the switches persons any less confusing would be to call Sakura Sakura-kun and Naruto Naturo-chan.

I am not willing to resort to that.

Finally, the nine-tailed fox squishing Inner Sakura? He was never able to communicate with Naruto (whether for lacking the want to or being unable due to other blocks) up until Naruto made the effort to seek out the nine-tailed fox. How can the fox squash Inner Sakura like a bug when she is, for all intents and purposes, an extension of Sakura's mind? Inner Sakura made a bridge between the unconscious where the demon is, to the conscious where Sakura is. For all anyone knows, the demon can be toying with Inner Sakura and with Sakura, or maybe Naruto. Who knows. For that matter, no one still knows what Inner Sakura is. The fox doesn't know what is going on with this switch, so would it be wise to make his move with the unknowns? Maybe; maybe not._I'm_ not saying.


	7. Immortal beings acting not their age

"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura-chan. Where are you?" He squinted into the distance and looked up and down the streets. Still no sign, even after two hours of searching. There had been no sign of her in the attic, but since there was a distinct lack of any signs of struggle in the attic when he checked it (and a distinct lack of blood, which made Naruto infinitely relieved, since he supposed that if Sakura got hurt by anything in the attic he would find blood or blond hair; however, that other little monkey that perched on top of his head and started calling him grandmother was a tad too much), he wasn't going to panic yet. When he came across Sasuke, the brooding Uchiha heir was hovering over a bramble bush in which two academy students had become hopelessly tangled. He was loudly contemplating various ways to free them, although all the ways he had suggested thus far consisted of catching the bush on fire. Such planning spoken out loud only served to make the students squirm uncomfortably, furthering their entanglement and misery.

"Neh, Sasuke! Have you seen Naruto?" Naruto asked.

At the mention of Naruto's name, Sasuke's hair stood on end and he stiffened as if someone wrapped ice-cold hands around his neck. He slowly looked over his shoulder at who he thought to be Sakura. "Don't mention that name to me," he muttered in an angry voice, his eyes narrowed into slits.

Naruto felt a brief flash of annoyance. _What did I do _this_ time? _"I need to find him." He refused to drop the subject as Sasuke's body language demanded. Sasuke harrumphed.

"I have no idea where dead-last can be." Sasuke muttered something. Naruto frowned and leaned forward, concentrating to catch the words. "…the letch!"

"Who's a letch?"

Sasuke jumped and looked over his shoulder at Naruto again. There was something odd about the look, something almost panicked in his expression and twitching in the corner of his eye. "Sakura," he said, clearly struggling to be polite, "stay away from Naruto. He's been acting very, very strange. Not that he naturally doesn't, just _more_ strange than _usual_."

Naruto considered punching Sasuke, but decided against it. "So you don't know where he is?"

"Hn." Sasuke turned back to considering his charges, and Naruto did a quick mental review of the various Hns he knew of. That one must be the _I don't know and I don't give a damn, either_ Hn. Naruto stared at Sasuke's back for a moment, resenting how he was stuck in a weak, female body that he had to close his eyes to just so he could go to the bathroom (never mind the fact that he knew what the female body looked like and didn't care), while Mr. I'm-Too-Cool-To-Care contemplated setting brats on fire. What a creep; Sasuke was always up to something, always trying to prove how much better he was than others, and all the girls only cared how good looking he was and how well he fought. The jerk probably sat in the dark of his house and considered joining forces with insane psychopaths

Life was soooo unfair. Naruto spent his days training to become the Hokage (and he would, damn it! Even if he was stuck in Sakura's body for all of eternity, because if Tsunade could be the first female Hokage, than he could be the first male-turned-female Hokage! A little, silly thing like not being in his actual body was never going to stop him), and the only time Sakura ever noticed Naruto was when she actually _became_ Naruto.

With a grunt, Naruto turned his back on Sasuke and continued his search for Sakura.

Behind him, Sasuke's mind was only half-attuned to the academy ninjas. _Sakura didn't call me Sasuke-kun._ It was a small detail and one that shouldn't have bothered him, but it did. _Sakura is never so casual._ Added to how Naruto acted just as he did earlier (in a small corner of his mind, a miniature Sasuke rocked on his heels with his head in his hands, chanting in a weak voice, "I've been violated! I've been violated!"), and Sakura not acting like Sakura, made Sasuke arrive to a calculation he wasn't liking. To Naruto's credit, the boy was always a little off, but pink flamingos and violation went above and beyond paranormal.

But the next time Naruto decided to infringe upon his personal space (which was a large, invisible bubble with a thirty foot diameter), Sasuke was going to _chidori_ the runt from one end of Konoha to the other.

* * *

Naruto spotted Jiraiya at the women's bathing house. The white-haired shinobi squatted low on his heels, his face pressed against the wooden wall and his fingers flexing in a suggestive way. On the ground beside him was a notebook and a drill with a few wood shavings clinging to its bit.

Naruto smacked his alternate sensei across the back of his head. "Why am I not surprised?" he demanded hotly.

Jiraiya blinked in surprise at being attacked by a petite, pink-haired Genin who looked vaguely familiar. "Do I know you?" he asked, rubbing his head where the backhanded blow had struck him. What he loosely recalled of Sakura did not fit in with his view of her current physical movements or vocal tones.

"I — I have a favor to ask. I need some training."

Jirayia waved Naruto's comment away. "Sorry," he said dismissively with a crooked smile. "You're just a little _too_ young to receive training from _me_."

"What?" He glared defensively. "What about m — uh, Naruto?"

"Oh." Disappointment and understanding were achieved simultaneously and both made clear in Jiraiya's face and voice. "You want _that_ training." Naruto didn't want to know what the implied training from earlier was really supposed to mean then, so he avoided pursuing that line of thought. "I trained Naruto because of various reasons I have absolutely no intention of informing _you_."

"But—"

"Come back when you're gained another cup size, kid."

Naruto definitely knew what _that_ meant, having Ino earlier that day try to pawn off several stuffed bras to "increase your cup size; you need all the help you can get if you want Sasuke to notice you over what _I_ have." He smacked Jiraiya again just for the sake of principles and stormed off, muttering, "Just as well; you'd have probably groped me, pervert-sensei."

After Jiraiya peeled himself from where Sakura's blow had face-planted him against the wall, he shook his head and rocked himself on his heels as he considered what just passed.

Sakura acting like Naruto? This required investigation. Naruto and Jiraiya's old team of Genin had been the only ones who dared to call him anything other than Jiraiya-sensei.

Anyways, it wasn't as if she _was_ unattractive or too young (although she was), but that a stuffed bra would greatly enhance her appeal. Ah well; can't have everything when you're stalking the ladies. There was some giggling; splashes. "Ooooh! I told you we weren't supposed to do _that_ anymore! It was a one-time experience!" "Oh, don't be silly! What can one more time do any harm?" from the bathhouse. There were more splashes and a feminine squeak. Jiraiya found himself leering like the super-pervert that he was as he turned back to the peephole.

Investigation could wait, though. He had to catch up on his research. Yeah, that was it.

* * *

They sat in a distant seafood restaurant that bordered the Fire Country, preparing themselves for another expedition into its lands with all its volatile natives. Distant power blasts that had been detected demanded investigation since it most likely involved the Kyuubi brat. Akatsuki decided to send the two ninjas most familiar with that area of the world, so off they went, using just a small touch of Henge to hide their most distinct, recognizable features. The reasoning behind sending these two was that, after the trouble they left behind, no one would really _expect_ them to come back. It followed such thoughts as, _After what they did, they wouldn't _dare_ show up_! that those of Konoha would undoubtedly (or at least hopefully) be thinking.

Such reasoning on Akatsuki's part reached the far ends of illogic and came around the other end to logic, in a rather convoluted, twisted manner that only psychopaths and geniuses could attain, but usually only if both went hand in hand.

Contrary to most rumors, Itachi _liked_ being paired off with Kisame. Aside from how the swordsman's skin color was probably a symptom of several different diseases, undoubtedly due to his bad habit of eating everything he could get his hands on and/or teeth attached to (and Itachi secretly suspected Kisame's parents weren't wholly human), the man _did_ possess a sense of humor Itachi could appreciate. Kisame also did his job well, followed orders, and didn't argue in the middle of a mission for the sake of one-upping the person placed in charge. After putting up with ANBU in his early teenaged years, Itachi could appreciate such tactfulness.

Kisame sat down at the wooden table across from Itachi and peered at the order Itachi had placed when he had went to visit the men's room. "What're we having?" he asked as he poked the broth with his spoon.

"We're having shark-fin soup," Itachi replied. The one issue he had with pairing off with Kisame was that the swordsman ordered all the time. It was high time they had something _he_ liked.

Kisame gasped in dismay and peered at the bowl, plucking it up just as a far-away blast rocked the ground and made all the furniture vibrate in an interesting manner. Itachi's soup splashed on the table, but Kisame's bowl was saved. "_Mom_?! Izzat you?"

Looking down at his own soup, Itachi suddenly remembered _why_ Kisame had always been the one to order.

* * *

The fallen oak had once been large and grand. Now, years and years after it was knocked down (it might have been the victim of some stray shinobi practicing his deadly art; it might have been just another loss in the great battle against the Fox Demon), it was spongy and covered with thick, springy moss. It would have been one of the most comfortable seats Sakura had ever had the privilege of sitting upon, if she had taken the time to contemplate how many years it had taken for the oak to grow, and how many years passed after it had been yanked out of the ground and tossed aside like a useless match. It must have been decades for time and weather to make this perfect seat for her butt to grace.

Sakura didn't care. Strangely enough though, this fallen oak was all that was left in the surrounding that Sakura had accidentally cleared.

She had arrived here in the far middle of nowhere, where only animals and trunks that shouldn't eat Sound-nins but did preyed. The worry had pushed her far beyond the village, and finally she tried Henge once more. She tried to summon the chakra, but each time she did the bloodlust and hatred would return in increasing amounts. The chakra came easily enough on her fourth try, but then it had exploded as if bursting past her fragile dams of control, to wipe out everything in the vicinity.

In a corner of her mind, Inner Sakura said, "You idiot. Are you going to sit here in the open and just wait for others to come investigating? How many of them will be Leaf shinobi who know all about the fox demon."

_ Let them come_, the subject of Inner Sakura's last sentence said, somehow sounding smug and petulant at the same time, _I could use some entertainment._

Sakura's hand shook and moved on its own accord, to the little knapsack strapped to her thigh. With a yelp, she grasped the moving hand with her other hand. The nine-tailed fox sneered at her attempt and the hand moved further against her will.

"Oh no, you don't!" Inner Sakura's strength slammed into Sakura and the hand froze, twitching as two different wills clashed. The kyuubi finally conceded.

_ You are always ruining my fun. _

"Now you're starting to sound like a pouting child!" Inner Sakura told the nine-tailed fox with a shake of her finger.

The nine-tailed fox sniffed. _That's to imply a human-like characteristic to something as immortal and as superior as I to mankind. _

"Denial if I ever heard of it!"

The nine-tailed fox sputtered angrily and muttered wordlessly under what constituted as its breath. It sounded suspiciously like "blasted vixens." Unnerving as it was, both Sakuras managed to ignore the grumbling. With a dejected sigh, Sakura stood up, quickly dusted herself off, checked for any visible injuries, and then set off running away from her scene of the crime. She moved faster, the ground seemed to fly beneath her feet. How long would it take to train her body until she moved like this? How long would it take to become strong, if she practiced long and hard everyday with people to push her onward, like Naruto? She didn't want to be Hokage, but what was the point of being a ninja if she did nothing to be good at it?

If she ever got — no, _when_ she got back into her body, she was going to start gathering training tips from Naruto, Sasuke, and even Ino.

Her legs pumping faster, the countryside a blur as she hurried onward, Sakura made the silent vow to improve herself or die trying. If the voices in her head were any indication of what her future would be like, it may just come to that. So she ran, instead, as if she could somehow leave them behind, to escape them and all that they entailed. They were almost gone... Almost...

A soft voice, almost too soft to distinguish in the roaring despair that filled Sakura's mind, amongst the grumbling of a demon whose power was beyond comprehension, and a split personality brought to life by a single desire for a sister, whispered. _The fork in the mountains._ Without really knowing why, perhaps because the masculine voice was smooth and kind, in a world that was harsh and demanding, Sakura steered east to where the mountains dipped into a sharp V. She slammed into the surrounding forest and foliage like a bull on a rampage, breaking through underbrush and branches as if they were mere twigs beneath her feet.

The nine-tailed fox sighed and sneered in frustration. _Some ninja you are. I've pulverized those far worthier than you'll ever be. _

"Will you shut up, already?" Inner Sakura demanded, hands on her hips and her jaw clenched. "You're not doing any better than I am and a great deal worse, too, since you got sealed into the bellybutton of the number one loudest, most hyperactive ninja in the village."

The nine-tailed fox sniffed. _He's infinitely more amusing and skilled than you two will ever be, even if there's barely any room to think in here, what with the size of your ego, alter ego, and cowardice. _

Sakura froze as the world suddenly came crashing down about her ears.

Cowardice.

The word echoed through her mind, drowning out Inner Sakura's response and the fox demon's sniping.

Cowardice.

_That's right,_ she thought to herself as her eyes stung. Tears dribbled down her face. She _was_ a coward. She _hid_ behind Naruto and Sasuke. No wonder they moved beyond her reach; she could never walk before them when she took refuge in their strength and their skill, potential blotted out in their shadows. She was nothing compared to them because she was too scared. Too proud.

She thought she was stronger than them because she was so much smarter and knew so much more, but in her vanity she fell short, and she was scared of using skills other than her intelligence. Her wit amounted to little when the enemy's strength outmatched her brains.

_What are you doing now? _The nine-tailed fox demanded in angry disbelief. Sakura sniffed and wiped her wet eyes and runny nose with the back of her hand.

"Y-you're right," she cried between sobs and sniffles. "I am a coward. I c-can't do anything. (_sob)_ I'm w-weak a-and I'm (_sob_) worthless!"

Like so many other conscious males faced with a crying female, though it could be argued if the nine-tailed fox qualified as male, the demon floundered nervously.

_N-now that's enough! Quit blubbering like a baby! Er… _

"Good grief." Inner Sakura bustled past the nine-tailed fox, whose nervousness was becoming quite clear. She descended upon Sakura like a rainbow reaching from the heavens as a sign that the worst of the storm was over. "Sakura," she said gently, "if you were such a coward, could you have protected Naruto and Sasuke during the Chunin exam?"

_Y-yeah! Wait, I wasn't there for that one, was I? _

Inner Sakura swatted the nine-tailed fox, but it had no more effect on it than a mosquito's bite on a crocodile. It again muttered something about blasted vixens.

"B-but if Lee hadn't saved me, I'd've b-been killed (_sniffle sniffle_) and so w-would've Naruto and S-Sasuke (_sob_), and if Ino hadn't shown up, (_sob_) we'd've been killed, and th-the same thing (_sob gasp_) if Sasuke h-hadn't woken up!"

"This," Inner Sakura muttered to the nine-tailed fox, "is all _your _fault."

Taken aback by the accusation, the fox demon nonetheless recovered its easy arrogance. _What? Am I supposed to apologize now? I can't help it if she falls apart under the least amount of stress. Pathetic excuse of a ninja _you_ are, let alone human. _

Inner Sakura reared up. "Least amount of stress? _Least amount of stress?! _How would you feel if you were a girl put into a boy's body, sneered at and hated by everyone, forced to recognize your own limitations and see them as far more exaggerated than what they are, and realize you may never, ever go back to being what you truly are?"

_You're asking _methe nine-tailed fox asked resentfully. _I've _only_ been sealed inside the number one loudest, most hyperactive excuse of a ninja in a rancid village of abominable humans for the past twelve years. I _only_ went from a great demon, with power virtually that of a god's, to this. How about what _I_ feel? If this body dies, so do I. _I_ was immortal. _I_ had female demons falling over themselves for my attention. Male demons respected and feared _me_. But nooooo. _I_ had to get stuck in someone's _bellybutton_! At least you've got a body! _

"And it serves you right," Inner Sakura said petulantly.

_Does not. _

"Does so."

_Does not. _

"Does so."

_Does not. _

"Does so."

_Not. _

"So."

Sakura pulled the hem of her jumper's top from where it was tucked into her trousers and wiped her nose and eyes with it. "I may be crying like a baby, but at least I'm not arguing like a bunch of _toddlers_." The nine-tailed fox and Inner Sakura fell silent. If they were corporeal, Sakura had a feeling they would be glaring at one another and shoving each other with their shoulders.

Kind of like Naruto and Sasuke, really.

She sighed. "I know I'm a coward. I know I am weak. But that's going to change this time! I won't stand for it any more! I will become strong! I will become fast! I will become a ninja among ninjas, and nothing —- not incorporeal voices, not fox demons, not snake humans, and not anything else — nothing is going to stop me!" With such brave words uttered, given life by her determination to change so that she could no longer be ashamed of herself, Sakura leapt into the tree branches and hopped off to the V in the mountains, moving swiftly and quietly so that no one not an experienced ninja could hear her.

* * *

Naruto lay on his back, heaving in fresh breaths of air, and stared up at the clear blue sky. He had only done two hours of training, and already his body shook from weariness. Every surface of his skin was covered with bruises, scrapes, and smudges, as if he had gotten into more than dozen street brawls with fighters up to par with his own abilities. As exhausted as he was, Naruto still had enough strength and energy to think.

It seemed to him that something was wrong. Sakura's body shouldn't be this weak; he had seen her to more things in greater periods of time without getting so utterly exhausted.

_ Heh. I'm probably just wasting chakra as I usually do,_ Naruto thought ruefully. _I can't control it in this body any more than I could in my last._ He sighed; he couldn't do it so well on his own without help. Sakura's body couldn't withstand what he demanded so freely of his own. This time, there was no fox demon to demand rent from. Naruto steeled himself to sit upright; if the pervert sensei was refusing to teach him, then he was going to find someone who would. Kurenai-sensei, or maybe Hinata. If they could give him some hints of how a girl's body trained, then maybe he might be able to get somewhere. He just had to do it so they didn't suspect that it was a boy who didn't know how to handle a girl's body that was asking.

As his hands clutched the few blades of grass within his reach and he took a deep breath to lift himself upright, a loud voice declared, "You!"

* * *

Ino stormed up the walk and slammed open the front door. The lock shattered under her grip and the door banged loudly into the wall as it was flung open. "Where is she?" she roared into the empty house. In it's clean peacefulness - discounting the kitchen, of course - it was oblivious to the angry blonde on a rampage. "Where is that stupid forehead girl!"

Ino ran up the stairs, taking them three at a time, and down the hallway until she reached the bedroom door. "SAKURA!" She flung that open too, and then looked around, her face scrunched up in rage. Nothing. No one. She had looked all over Konoha and had seen neither large forehead nor pink hair of Sakura. Here she had gone out of her way to girl-bond with Sakura, and the witch had to run off, leaving her with the short stick and having to pick up afterwards. If Sakura had spoken her scorn and had thrown such kindness into Ino's face, Ino might have forgiven her. But no; trickery and subterfuge. She would have none of that from someone she might have once called a friend, and maybe still did when no one was listening.

Fuming silently, she turned to walk out of the door, but a ragged, old book cover caught her eye. Ordinarily, Ino would have ignored books, but since it read, "Love Potion #9" across the cover... When you're in competition with the owner of the book over the best bachelor under the age of fifteen in the village, it's not something you wanted escaping your notice.

Ino snatched it up from off the surface of the table the book rested upon, and flipped through the pages until she found the recipe for the Love Potion #9. "Hmm. 'This potion is a dangerous mixed substance meant to induce infatuation of the drinker upon the first of its kind possessing pheromones.' Oooh. 'Use to your own discretion, dear reader, as embarking upon the journey of this potion's use may cause much hardship. It is recommended that this potion be used as a last resort when your love has ignored you to the point of you taking your own life.' Ooooh." Ino skipped the rest of the warning and went directly to the recipe, running her finger along the column of ingredients and checking the availability of each one off in her mind.

At the very bottom of the directions for mixing and simmering, she read: _Results vary in the length of time the potion's effect lasts. A potion mixed correctly will smell like turpentine and look like Indian ink. _Ino made a face, but she supposed when one was desperate enough to resort to these measures, one was willing to drink it.

While she didn't feel desperate enough to resort to such measures, Ino was, of course, always willing to try something new.

The hard part was going to be trying to talk Sasuke into drinking something that smelled like turpentine. Maybe if she baked it into cookies...


	8. Did I remember to turn off the coffee?

"Eh?" Naruto rolled over onto his stomach and looked across the bushy clearing to Jiraiya, who crouched down with his arms folded before his chest and scrutinized Naruto with an odd look. "What do you want?" Naruto demanded petulantly as he painfully stood up and tried to dust himself off. He winced as his fingers brushed against bruises and scrapes.

Jiraiya glared back. "You wanted me to train you, didn't you, kid?" he asked with an odd gleam in his eye and tone in his voice.

Naruto brightened, momentarily forgetting how sore he was already. "Yes! I need to get stronger in a hurry!" He pumped his arms in the air. "I need to be stronger, faster, and better at fighting!"

"Better looking, too, I suppose."

Naruto blinked. "Huh? What does better looking gotta do with being a better ninja?"

Jiraiya smiled suddenly, and the earlier tone in his voice changed to something of satisfaction when he spoke. "Good." He jumped to his feet and strode across the clearing. "Sometimes I don't know about you girls," he said conversationally, glancing sideways at the damage Naruto had inflicted on his surroundings. "These days, more girls seem to place their looks on a higher platform of importance than their skills. There's only one person I know who can fight in high heels and do a damn good job at not breaking her ankle.

"At first I thought you were one of them, but since you seem to be willing to change and because you remind me of someone else, I suppose I can spare a few hours to help you."

"All right!" Naruto raised a triumphant fist in the air. "So where do we begin?" he asked eagerly.

Jiraiya's hand shot upward into the air. "Stop. Before we begin, there are three points I want to make clear." He held up one finger. "One. You are not to question me. You'll have to trust my methods and my advice." He glared suddenly at Naruto. "If not, I'll stop immediately and go elsewhere."

"Uh. S-sure. As long as I don't have to do anything that's, you know, _unseeming_." Naruto had heard Sakura say something like that when he overheard her and Ino discussing the inappropriateness of certain duties expected of women in their field of work.

Jiraiya didn't blink. "Two. Anytime you stop fighting, or do or say anything pertaining to your hair, your clothes, your makeup, or anything that girls tend to do when they're being silly instead of being ninja, I still stop immediately and go elsewhere."

Naruto shuddered as he recalled Ino's wicked plans for him. "No problem about that," he said wryly.

"Three." Jiraiya paused a moment as he thoughtfully studied Naruto's face with a slight frown of concentration marring his own. A slight wind ruffled the leaves and sent them scattering across the forest floor. Naruto stared back, silently waiting for Jiraiya to finish his terms. Naruto restlessly transferred his weight from one foot to another, wanting to fidget and wanting to itch his scratches and rub his bruises. He felt self-conscious of the scrapes, the discoloration, the damage and the weariness of a body distinctly not his own. "Three," Jiraiya said finally with a firm note in his voice, "I expect you to give me everything you have. I don't want a half-hearted attempt. If you do I'll know you aren't serious, and that training you would be a waste of my time." He crossed his arms firmly before his chest. "Do you accept the conditions laid before you?"

Naruto blinked. "That's it? Oh, good." He pressed a hand against his chest, and then jerked it back when he realized it probably looked like he was groping himself. "I thought you were going tell me I had to wear padded bras or somethin'."

Jiraiya was silent for a moment before he leered quite suggestively at Naruto. "Why? You offering?"

"Ack!" Nuruto waved his hands in pinwheels and shook his head. "No! No! That's _unseeming_!""

"Oh, then don't suggest anything then." Jiraiya turned his face, disappointment still briefly appearing on his face before it was gone. "Now, fight."

Naruto started to look around. "When — oh." He ducked but wasn't fast enough to dodge Jiraiya's kick. It sent him skidding across the forest floor. Naruto surged to his feet, eager and ready, just in time to see the heel of Jiraiya's palm before it slammed into his jaw. Startled, Naruto rolled and leapt his hands and feet, scrambled forward and ducked below one long sweep of Jiraiya's hand. Something hard slammed into Naruto's solar plexus and sent him skidding backwards. Naruto did manage to keep his balance, but his wits scattered about him as Jiraiya made the hands signs for Kage Bunshin. Three of him were suddenly present, two forms on either side glimmering before they were solid. The Jiraiyas on the left and right jumped into the surrounding brush, and the middle Jiraiya sprinted toward Naruto, his mouth set in a grim smile and his heels digging in the soft soil.

Naruto grabbed a kunai from his pack and tried to perform Kage Bunshin. He concentrated on the movement of his fingers, trying to feel for the energy he only noticed having when there was none. He felt something twinge just beyond his reach and mentally tried grasping at it, but it slithered from his reach like something slimy and inconsistent with gravity. With a frustrated sigh, Naruto swiped at Jiraiya with his kunai. Jiraiya caught the blow with his forearm and twisted against Naruto's arm. The kunai fell from sudden numb fingers. Naruto flailed his arms and legs and caught Jiraiya — oops. The part of Naruto who was male sympathized immediately, but the part of him who was female said, in a very firm voice reminiscent of Sakura, "Huh. Should have used more force."

Jiraiya's clone pounced on Naruto from above. Naruto sensed something coming and lunged forward, stumbling as a sense of fatigue hit him. His earlier training had not readied him for an even more intensive fight with one of the Legendary Three (who, he suspected, calculating the force of Jiraiya's attacks and current speed against what he had witnessed times before, was going rather easy on him) but he still had enough speed to duck beneath the hands. However, his speed was not such that he could fully avoid physical contact with the clone.

The clone's fingers skimmed Naruto's front and clawed at something substantial as Naruto rolled and scrambled backwards. The fingers succeeded in finding purchase.

"IIEEEEE!" Naruto's temper flared at the indignity and invasiveness, and something flooded, like a sticky substance pouring through his blood vessels. It took only an instance, but he grasped wildly at the spiraling, surging energy. It seemed to slide past him before his anger hooked it with a sharp grasp. It bucked in protest and tried to yank itself beyond his reach, but once Naruto had it firmly in his grasp, he was not about to let it go.

Naruto's fist came up with his cry, and smashed into the clone's jaw. It released him in surprise and flew backwards through the air before the jutsu dispelled with a pop and a cloud of loose chakra. He _had _it. He could _feel_ his entire arm blaze with chakra, tightening the muscle and spilling through capillaries, arteries, veins. It rushed through him, chasing away fatigue, burning away pain, releasing power that had eluded him since the switch.

Naruto, in his righteous rage, had become an empowered _woman_.

Across the clearing, Jiraya burst from the bushes and rushed across at Naruto, his arms swinging at his side and his mouth twisted in a patient smile, as if he knew the struggles Naruto had with not being able to harness and control the chakra before, but now finally realized success. With a mighty roar, Naruto flung himself forward to meet Jiraiya headlong, and the resulting crash of chakras echoed throughout the forest.

Kabuto studied his surroundings, the scuffing on the ground, the few remaining scraps, and the odd square prints that littered amongst the footsteps. "I've seen this before," he muttered to himself with a deep frown. Where had it been...

"What?" Sakon asked, leaning against a tree and pretending that he wasn't unnerved of what had happened.

"Oh, sorry. I'm just talking to myself." Kabuto waved the other Sound nin's curiosity away with his hand and a brief smile, and then went back to contemplating old memories. He muttered again as he picked up one branch that had been crushed in the scrimmage. He scrutinized it and turned it over and over in his hands.

"What did this?" Sakon asked.

Kabuto stood up and tossed the branch to the side. "You won't believe me if I told you," he said over his shoulder as he adjusted his glasses. "But it's a curse that has been unleashed upon this world. If you should ever see something that should not exist bearing down on you, don't stop to question it." His next words sent chills racing down Sakon's spine. "And you better hope you can outrun it. Ah, we best be going." Kabuto craned his neck to look upward at the setting sun. "It's getting dark and we still have to check Naruto's behavior."

Before the other Sound nin could say anything, Kabuto quickly shed his clothes to put on black tang-top and fire-knit trousers, silver chest plate and heavy combat shoes, adjusting leather straps as he went. It took a brief moment to wrap the flat cords around his arms and lower legs. Upon removing his forehead protector, he pulled his hair free of its usual ponytail and then rubbed something away from his shoulder to revealing the ANBU's tattoo.

Sakon whistled as Kabuto removed a small bottle with his right hand from the bag slung around his hips. "This is way above your usual ANBU disguise of a cloak and mask."

"The cloak and mask isn't going to work like last time. They'd be expecting that," Kabuto replied as he shook the bottle for a moment, popped the top off, and deftly overturned it to smear some of its crème content across the fingers of his left hand. With his right hand he held the bottle and removed his glasses. He quickly and liberally rubbed the crème over the skin of his face, shoulders, arms, and hands. The crème sank into his skin, changing color and texture. He felt his skin stretching and sagging slightly, taking definition from his facial features, changing the shape of his hands. The effects would last a week if he didn't bathe, but only two days if he did. He dabbed more onto his hand, rubbed both together, and then combed it through his hair. That would take the silver gleam out of it.. He slipped the bottle back into the bag and gathered his hair up at his nape. With several deft twists of his wrists, the hair was twisted into an intricate club and then tied.

Known now as a defected ninja and known traitor of the Leaf, he could not afford to be seen. True, he would suspected of disguising himself as an ANBU should he come back, but ANBU still kept their faces hidden for a reason, and if he had to unveil his face, this would keep him from being readily identified. Orochimaru had sent him for his judgment, wanting to know if what ever effected Naruto and Sakura was contagious, and he was more familiar with medical aspects and personalities of the two than anyone else in the Hidden Sound Village. Not, of course, that there were too many people to be compared with when it came to knowing what sort of persons Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were like.

The glasses were securely placed inside a special container and tucked into the bag. Kabuto pressed two fingers on either hand to the outside corner of each eye, closed his eyes, and concentrated for a moment. The chakra gathered at his fingertips then lanced through his sockets. The extra energy supercharged his nerves and corrected the lenses temporarily. He could see well enough not to trip without his glasses now, but still not enough for any extrinsic fighting, much less wandering around in the dark. He would have to be quick before holing up for the night.

"There. I'm ready," he told Sakon. With a backwards glance at the scattered square peg holes and a shudder not easily suppressed, Kabuto launched himself into the trees and followed Sakon back to Konoha.

* * *

The stenchof turpentine was enough to make Ino's mother gag when she entered the house. Choking, she opened every window she happened upon as she made her way from the threshold to the kitchen. Within the kitchen, she saw her daughter hopscotching around a bowl of bubbling, fowl-looking gook set in the middle of the floor. Ino seemed to be chanting something odd under her breath, and made what looked to be obscene gestures.

"Ino?" her mother inquired cautiously. "What are you doing?"

Ino paused on one foot and her hands froze in mid-gesture. "Mom!" She seemed to cringe, glancing from the gook to mother and then back to the gook. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like!"

Ino's mother's gaze traveled nearly the same route. "I'm not even sure what it _should_ look like, much less what it _does_ look like." Then, because she was fairly sure that made no sense whatsoever, she hastened to add, "It would seem you are making some sort of scientific experiment."

Ino looked very relieved, and nodded her head vigorously to that. "Yeah, a scientific experiment. Don't worry about the mess –- I'll clean it up later."

Ino's mother slowly nodded her head. "Very well." As she turned her back to Ino, she heard her daughter begin the chanting all over again and heard the thumping as she continued her jumping. Ino's mother didn't know too much about ninjas and their work; she, after all, only married one. Her interests lay in horticulture, which was not much of a hot topic with ninjas. If Ino wanted to follow her father's footsteps, Ino's mother was perfectly willing to applaud the decision and lend support.

When she entered her bedroom, she saw her husband lying on the bed, a dazed expression on his face. As she approached, he pushed himself upright on his elbows and looked at her almost in accusation. "If it weren't for the blonde hair, I'd ask if you were absolutely sure she was my daughter," he said.

With a long-suffered sigh, Ino's mother removed her scarf and looped it over the bed frame. "Darling, you will not be pinning this on me. I've already explained to you that she gets most of it from _your_ side of the family."

With a sigh, he flopped onto his back. "I was afraid of that," he said mournfully.

Back in the kitchen, Ino finished her chant. She contemplated the bowl on the floor for a moment before she picked it up and set it on the counter. With a wooden spoon, she quickly mixed the contents with efficient twists of her wrist. The dough was sticky and thick, and her eyes watered from standing in close proximity to it. She was beginning to have doubts that she should do this, let alone to say nothing of the guilt for having to resort to drugging someone into liking her. But, one had to do what one had to do. And, if nothing else, this could be a useful ninja trick to keep ion mind for missions. If her mind jutsu wasn't enough, then her cooking surely would be used as a deadly weapon.

Now, why did that sound so bad, when she stopped and thought about it?

* * *

Sasuke's walk slowed slightly, as if he could perceptibly sense something was close at his heels, silent as a shadow and as noticeable as the kiss of sunshine on the pavement he strode upon. Then, as if nothing ever happened, his pace returned to normal. Jiroubou hesitated only slightly, careful not to catch notice. Who ever thought up the oh-so-brilliant plan of following the leftover Uchiha prodigy in broad daylight in a recently demolished village of up-in-arms ninjas must have been smoking something interesting.

On the other hand, Jiroubou suspected that would explain a great deal of Orochimaru-sama's history, not the least including a set of vocal cords warped and made raw by _something_. (And whatever it was, Jiroubou wished that Orochimaru-sama would be oh so generous and share it. Oh, he _knew_ he should have taken up Tayuya when she said she was off to raid Kabuto's stores.)

However, did Sasuke suspect something? If the boy was as good as Orochimaru-sama hoped, then surely the boy must have sensed something. It was times like this that Jiroubou wished he could read minds. What he would give to be able to understand what was going on through Sasuke's.

* * *

Sasuke's pace slowed once more, almost too slight for the average human being to notice, as doubts once again assailed his mind. _I _did_ turn off the coffee pot. Didn't I? I could have sworn I did, but I don't really remember. _The doubts would continue to plague him until he returned home.

* * *

Sakura finally bounced to a halt in the fork of the mountains. With a sigh, she settled comfortably in the branches of the tree, willing her muscles to relax. She was closer to the village now than when she had been when she first began experimenting, but still far way from it to avoid detection. She willed her aching muscles to relax as she took slow, deep breaths. Meditation was not something she often did, but it seemed like a good idea now. Without being told, without really knowing why, urged by a silent voice, she knew she had an important conversation to engage in. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the darkness of her mind, allowing it to fall over herself like a dark veil. Inner Sakura rose upward and offered a hand.

Accepting it, Sakura was tugged into the deeper recesses of what could be termed her soul. Perhaps it was a bit of Naruto's soul clinging to _his_ body, anchored still by the malignant spirit of the nine-tailed fox demon.

The outline of her mental surroundings took shape; a dark, cavern-like basement with pipes running overhead and cold, stone walls. Inner Sakura's hold on Sakura's hand was firm and secure; she exuded confidence like the sunshine exuded light and warmth. There was something enduring, permanent, and strong about Inner Sakura. As they traversed through the corridors, it was as if two personalities became one. Vision shifted and skewed, becoming jaggedly split down the middle as two merged into a misshapen one. Inner Sakura absorbed into Sakura; Sakura melted into Inner Sakura. It was a strange hybrid of two voices, two minds, two personalities, and one being that came to a halt before the great bars that held the kyuubi in check. The darkness beyond the bars stirred, demonic chakra coiled just beyond, and a pair of gleaming eyes opened its malevolent gaze.

_Oh great; now there's two of you. As if _one_ wasn't enough, already. _

"This had to happen," said the Sakura hybrid. "We need to talk."

We_ have nothing to say. _I_ do not care to communicate with your kind. _

"We're stuck in the same body."

_ Not if I had my way. _

"You don't, which is why we need to talk."

_There is nothing to say. _

Something stirred beyond the reaches of comprehension, took form of a single question, unspoken, but made known to Sakura's attention. "It needs to be said, and if you don't, then I will. We are stuck with one another until this mess is cleared up." The fox demon remained silent, as if it was making a show of ignoring Sakura. The glowing eyes blinked lazily as the demon regarded them openly with cruel malice. "So let's have a truce. We don't poke fun at you, you leave us at peace, and everyone will be happy by the time we leave and regain our normal body. You can stay her, and have Naruto."

_I've spent twelve years living with that obnoxiously loud-mouthed brat. What makes you think _you're_ an improvement? _

"So you're saying you _enjoy_ having feminine companionship?"

There was a sudden sense of disgust and impatience. If they could see the shape of the demon in the darkness, Sakura was sure the kyuubi would be swishing its tails and flexing its claws in irritation. _What utter nonsense, and yet nothing I am surprised to hear from the mind, or rather, minds of such a useless creature! You being Naruto and Naruto being you merely provides me with the best entertainment I've had in a long time. Still, there is nothing that can compare to the preciousness that is freedom, of not being trapped to what is disgusting and vile. _

"Yet, why is it that I feel there is something more to this that you are not admitting?"

There seemed to be an amused loll of the tongue_. Child_, the word was spoken with mockery, _I have known life since the dawn of your kind; there is so much that I know I shall never admit. The secrets of life, the secrets to power and strength. My knowledge is infinite, beyond the scope of humankind. You are not worthy to even live within my shadow, much less my knowledge being imparted upon you. Be lucky that all I can do is, as you humans say, point and laugh. _

Sakura tried to wrap their mind around that concept, but the dualism seemed unable to comprehend. They resolutely pushed the idea away and sought something else. "So, then about that truce."

_ No. _

"Why not?"

_ It is not within my best interest. _

Sakura felt a trembling run underfoot, up the bars and into the seal across them. The glowing eyes flickered from her to the seal, almost too imperceptible to notice. Sakura seized the observation and wrung it for all its worth, remembering what was said during seemed so long ago. "It would be in our best interest." The kyuubi remained silent. Sakura stepped back and studied the seal. "We could be driven insane, and if driven insane, then to death."

A subtle shift in moods, in the level of chakra, told Sakura those words had hit the kuuybi in an unexplainable area. "Why don't we get along, just for now. Imagine tormenting Naruto about this whole misadventure when he gets back into the body."

If_ he gets back into the body_, the kyuubi pointed out with infuriating correctness, too mild and complacent to be anything but. _I do recall a certain statue has gone missing._ Sakura mentally stumbled over that, and then continued on along that line of thought, using it on their behalf.

"That's right. Do you really want to be stuck with us for the rest of our life?"

_Bah. Between the psychopathic split personality and the rather useless Sasuke-screeching teenybopper, I'm almost willing to live with the obnoxious loudmouth. At least he knows how to fight. _

One half of Sakura — the screeching "teenybopper" — winced at the description, although she felt there was more to her than that. The other half of Sakura — the psychopathic split personality — rose end on end to snarl. "Don't think that a mutant dog is any better!"

_How dare you compare me with a mongrel! _

"Now, about that truce."

_ No means no. Need I break such a word into even smaller, simpler components that your puny mind may comprehend? _

"Life is too short to be arguing forever with you."

_ Life matters not to we immortals. _

Sakura comprehended something just then, as if the great Lightbulb of Understanding was thrown on in the dark recesses of their Confusion, banishing it far away. "Life should be very dear to you, since your end is tied to that of this body's."

The darkness snapped. Chakra flooded through the gate bars and slammed into Sakura, tearing them apart and throwing them out of the subconscious. Inner Sakura bounced to her feet and threw herself headlong into the flow of chakra, screaming and flailing against it, surging forward to squirm through the bars and throttle the nine-tailed fox.

With a sense of rage, tinged with disgust and annoyance, the nine-tailed fox seemed to withdraw itself out of Inner Sakura's reach, swat her defenses aside, and then crushed her beneath one massive paw.

Sakura screamed. She was dying. No, the Other was dying. She was the Other, but the Other was not her, and the force that dwelled against its will within Naruto's body finally lashed out, with all its endless power and ice-cold fury, at the little insect that had been bothering it for the past two days. Something bucked beneath the paw, but the struggles were weakening as form, being, and something indefinite and unexplainable was crushed out of existence.

It could have happened faster, but the nine-tailed fox did not believe in such a thing as mercy. Too entangled with Inner Sakura, Sakura could feel her own self being crushed beneath the enormous weight. As her force dimmed, the kuuybi's seemed to swell, as if gaining power. The bars before the fox buckled and shifted, as if made out of rubber. The seal marked across the bars flared a sudden pale blue light. A presence that had been lurking beneath the surface, always just outside of understanding and recognition, blossomed forth into reality.

Like a swirling tornado with all the force and beauty of Mother Nature, it slammed into the kyuubi, throwing it from Inner Sakura and forcing a retreat. The chakra that had been pouring beyond the bars choked off, as if a gigantic hand had scooped it all up and crammed into the prison the kyuubi was kept in.

**Can't we,** said a gigantic voice, reverberating through the entire complex, overpowering the kyuubi's snarls, jolting Sakura from her pain, forcing Inner Sakura into living awareness, **just get along? Is that too much to ask for?** When no one said anything in reply, being either too stunned or too indignant, the voice said contentedly, **Good. So long as this doesn't happen again. **As quickly as the presence had made itself known, it receded to wherever it dwelt. The seal stopped glowing as Inner Sakura scrambled out of the kyuubi's reach.

"Wh-what was that?" Inner Sakura asked.

With a mighty swish of its tails, the nine-tailed fox folded itself into a lying position and grumbled something about that being the first time that particular punk had shown his face since forcing it into this wretched prison.

With the nine-tailed fox curled up to nurse its wounds, Inner Sakura and Sakura both retreated to their own world.

Sakura opened her eyes to a setting sun, and then forced her tired body to stand. Her knees shook, whether from exhaustion or from not eating, she couldn't tell. All she felt like was going to bed and sleeping for the next three centuries to come. Let someone else resolve this mess; she _deserved_ some rest.

"Hell yeah!" Inner Sakura agreed tiredly.

* * *

Itachi drew himself up suddenly, so quietly that Kisame took two steps before he realized that his companion was no longer keeping up. Kisame remained silent as he looked over his shoulder at Itachi, who was frowning deeply and twitching.

Itachi wasn't prone to twitching, much less facial expressions. "There's something," he began, and then his voice trailed off. Kisame waited patiently; Itachi would make himself known if he cared to, because certainly no prodding from Kisame — either with words, or with his sword — would hasten the process. Itachi seemed to be sorting something in his head for a moment, as if he had received an overload of knowledge and was forced to take the time in sorting through and cataloging everything. "I felt something flare, as it had two nights ago."

Kisame turned his back to Itachi and looked off into the distance. It was twilight, and as they hadn't reached the perimeters of the Leaf's stronghold, bandits would be roaming in search of innocent victims. "Is it the fox brat?" Kisame asked softly. He heard Itachi nod, which was a different shifting sound of rubbing robes than was a shake. "Ah." Without saying a word, Itachi resumed walking, and Kisame matched his pace.

Kisame hoped that bandits would be unwise enough to attack them.

He was starting to get hungry.


	9. Whaddya mean you bleed 5 days and live?

Kabuto stopped just outside the perimeter surrounding the monument. A young girl, her back turned towards him, was harvesting herbs that grew wild with the nearby bushes. He didn't often see people gathering herbs, much less doing it beside the monument. He couldn't tell, from this distance, what the plants looked like, but the sharp, oily scent was tell-tale. Of course, it _would_ make a difference if he still wore his glasses, but he didn't dare be caught wearing them. Instead, Kabuto settled himself to continue watching her. If it had not been for the herb's heady scent, he would be able to tell who she was by _her_ scent.

Years of watching from shadows and discreet nooks had taught Kabuto that the best information is always gleaned from the most innocent. Children were always far more watchful, far more knowing than adults gave them credit. This, Kabuto reasoned, was a fairly odd thing, since every adult had been a child. Some might pretend that they had been born at a full-grown forty years of age, like Ibiki, but Kabuto was a medical nin; _he_ knew where babies came from in theory, if not by practice. (As thorough and as advanced as his skills were as a med-nin, he drew the line at obstetrics and gynecology.)

So he waited and he watched, admiring the lines of the girl's back and thighs as she crouched, bobbed to another patch, crouched, bent, straightened. The human body was a fascinating to him; it was capable of so many different things, the mind even more so, each effecting the other. If there were such a thing as a soul, it was embedded in the flesh, rooted in the mind, and able to reach out to other souls, caressing from great distances, reaching across great ravines and divides. The body housed such a thing, was a material extension of it. A thing of marvel and of beauty, death was as wonderful as life, each complimenting one another in an endless cycle of changes.

His lips curled in disdain. Why was it that he always became so damn philosophical whenever he came back to Konoha? Perhaps because Orochimaru never appreciated random thoughts that dealt with the greater picture. What was it that his master always said? Ah, yes, something about try not to get too carried away with the supplies in his med cabinet; Orochimaru still didn't believe that Kabuto would never abuse pharmaceutical products. Hell, merely because his supplies seemed to grow a pair of legs and go skipping off (he still hadn't found the responsible parties and, so help him, they better hope it remained that way) didn't mean it was because he, like so many med-nins he had seen in his lifetime, self-servingly abused the things that could mean life and death for many.

Kabuto closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The twinge of disgust was something very difficult to rid when his skills were called into challenge. He had worked hard for such skills after the demise of _his_ people. In the end, all he had was his body and soul, and since he had sold the latter, he could only hope to maintain the former. He took another deep breath, four counts in, eight counts out, the more to calm his sympathetic nervous system. His heart was beginning to quicken. Control the heart, and the body often followed in suit. Like clockwork.

Another deep breath. He didn't need to open his eyes to feel the surge of energy beyond the borders of the monument. Didn't need to seek out the body that was hurrying forward. He could tell, from the footsteps and the labored breathing, that this was not an enemy. No enemy would come screaming out of the forest, half-tired and out of breath. At least, no enemy of whom he should fear. He heard the sudden stillness of the girl, sensed her tense in ready wariness. Then, just as quickly as that happened, she relaxed in relief.

Kabuto opened his eyes and focused more chakra. His eyesight sharpened as effectively as if he had placed his glasses on. This required too much concentration and made it downright difficult, if not impossible, to fight using chakra. Pity; the glasses were always a risk since glass in the eye was an injury he knew would be next to impossible to fully recover from.

The girl was visibly relaxed, her hands in her lap as she stared directly ahead. Kabuto raised his own gaze into the trees and bushes in time to see a pink blur leap from the branches and land in front of the girl.

"Yo!" cried Sakura in the most uncharacteristic manner. Her face was bruised and puffy, she had bruises, scrapes, and cuts along her arms and legs, her knuckles were bloody, and her dress was torn and dirty. Her hair was mussed, her forehead protector crooked, and Kabuto absently noted a limp as Sakura stepped forward a few paces. "I just had the greatest training session!" She lifted one arm and palpated her bicep with the other hand. "It was great! I feel so much stronger!"

"Oh!" One little word, an escape of air from nervous lips, and Kabuto knew instantly the other girl's identity. She was not wearing her characteristic gray coat with the furry collar; instead, the light green long-sleeved shirt and the kerchief worn over her head had thrown him off. Kabuto slid his finger against the bridge of his nose, momentarily forgetting that he didn't wear glasses. Orochimaru would have realized that Kabuto was disappointed in himself for not assimilating the details that lay before him. Spies and med-nins alike had no need for such carelessness; they needed nothing but a plot of ground large enough to bury their dead bodies, for such was what his behavior could buy him.

"It looks," said Hinata, puzzlement and concern in her voice, "like it was very rough training."

"Yup." Sakura had her arms crossed and nodded her head sagely. "Got training from the pervert-sensei. Said he'd make me stronger, and I need it." She crouched down low and held her hands out. "Look at those muscles!"

Hinata glanced from the hands to Sakura with worry. Kabuto couldn't blame her. There was something jarring about Sakura's behavior. He slipped one hand into a pocket and withdrew his cards. He flipped through them to Sakura's. It worried him when someone did not fit an established pattern, when someone spoiled every conception he knew of them. It was damn inconvenient to spies because it meant more work. And then everyone wondered why he never got the dental work for Sound done on time.

As he flipped through the cards, he kept half an ear kept on the conversation ("So, what are you doing? "Um, gathering herbs." "What for?"). Not that one. Not that one. Not that — waaaiiiitt a minute… Kabuto frowned as he lifted Naruto's card closer to his face and scrutinized the details. The pattern of Naruto's behavior, both physically and psychologically, came immediately to mind. Kabuto superimposed that pattern of this pattern.

From behind Naruto's card Kabuto withdrew Sakura, and held them together side by side. He glanced over their tops to Sakura, who was crouching on the ground with her hands pressed against the flat of her hands. The expression on her face – he looked back at the two cards. He mentally reviewed the details that Sakon had passed on to him. Naruto beating his head against the ground, screaming at voices to shut up; Sakura acting remarkably like Naruto.

But it was impossible. Kabuto rubbed his temples as a throbbing began to make itself known. There were pieces missing in this puzzle and the picture that was forming made no sense.

Kabuto stayed and listened to the conversation, hoping for more information. None was revealed, except for a rather interesting recipe for an analgesic crème made from every day weeds. Imagine a young girl like that knowing such a thing – well, perhaps not young, Kabuto reconsidered. Hanging out with Orochimaru made him feel old, especially when he had to baby-sit half the village.

When Sakura finished speaking, she stood up, stretched her arms until Kabuto half-expected the vertebrae to pop, and then trudged off to the village. She was limping a little more noticeably, but Hinata noticed as well and flagged the girl down. She handed Sakura a tube of the crème and made her promise to administer it to every scrape, bruise, cut, ache, and pain on her body. Then, with a critical once-over Sakura's current condition, Hinata added another tube. Both Kabuto and Hinata watched as Sakura left.

With a shiver, Hinata looked down at the plants she had been gathering, and then stooped to pick it all up. Nervousness and uncertainty was clear with each of her movements; but who could blame her? The smile that had lightened up Sakura's face when Hinata gave her the tube had been purely Naruto.

With a backwards glance at Hinata, Kabuto sprang back into the woods and followed after Sakura.

* * *

Ino's eyes were narrowed as she searched her surroundings. The lane of trees was deserted, but for Kiba, his dog, and Lee, who had spotted Kiba and was making his slow but sure way towards him. Click. Tap. Click. Tap. While Kiba was a jerk enough to remain seated where he was, he was nice enough to remain seated where he was. So, Ino reasoned, Kiba didn't care if Lee wanted to talk to him. Poor fellow was usually lonely, Ino supposed, and if Kiba was willing to stay put long enough for Lee to catch up to him and say hello, this was well enough for Ino.

She crouched in the bushes and clicked her tongue. Akamaru, who had been curled up on the ground beneath the bench Kiba sat upon, lifted his head in interest. Ino clicked her tongue again and waved the cookie. While she usually had compulsions against feeding animals, especially Akamaru, she was fairly certain about the state of her cooking and, well, better Akamaru than Sasuke – er, another human.

"Yo, Lee!" Kiba greeted, lifting one hand as Lee came closer. Akamaru stood up, yawned, stretched out one hindquarter, and then loped across the lane to Ino. He sat a few feet before her and cocked his head peering at her and the cookie with curiosity.

"That's a good boy," Ino said with a sugary voice. She tossed the cookie to Akamaru. It landed a few inches from his paws. Akamaru leaned forward and sniffed at the cookie. Ino waited with baited breath before Akamaru finally yipped and ate the cookie. He licked his chops, sniffed around for a few more crumbs, and then looked at Ino. There was an unexpected shift in the canine's eyes. He stood up suddenly and bent forward, growling softly as the hair stood on end. Ino gulped. Did something go wrong with the cookies? Instead of falling in love with the first person they saw, did they fall in hate?

Akamaru leapt forward, claws leaving scratched in the pavement. Ino fell backwards with a cry. Kiba was immediately on his feet, eyes scanning his surroundings before he saw Akamaru jumping on Ino. "Akamaru!" He sprinted across the pavement, leaving Lee to hurry after on his crutches. Then stopped, nearly falling over from the abrupt cease of momentum and surprise.

Akamaru … Ino … "Ahhh!" Kiba yanked Akamaru off of Ino by the scruff of his neck, cradling the dog in his arms. Akamaru growled and tried to wiggle free. "What are you doing, you sicko? You're molesting my dog!"

Ino sprang to her feet. "_Molesting_ your _dog_? How dare you, you fleabrain! _Your_ dog was humping _me_!"

Lee stumbled backwards, his face glowing red. He made his way back to the bench and sat down on it with a heavy thump.

"My dog has more sense than to fall for something like you!"

"What? Are you saying the dog is better than me!"

"He's got better taste, that's for sure!"

Akamaru bit Kiba and jumped out of his arms. "That is the most – eeeeek! He's doing it again! Eeewww!" Ino flailed her leg as Akamaru, tongue lolling and tail wagging, jumped her foot again. "Getitoffgetitoffgetitoffgetitoff!"

Kiba tried to grab his dog, but Akamaru barked and wagged harder as Ino danced out of reach, trying to dislodge the animal.

Lee rubbed his burning cheeks as he looked on in interest, although he tried not to appear too interested. Embarrassing, yes. But this was the best entertainment he had all summer, short of Gai-sensei forcing Neji into a speedo for swimming lessons, since one never knew when one was going to have to swim the ocean.

* * *

Despite being in the opposite parts of the village, two young persons in the wrong bodies stumbled tiredly into their bodies' respected homes. One, though exhausted, still had enough energy to make her bed with clean sheets. The other, also exhausted and perhaps a little more sore than the first, took the time to carefully clean and care for each scrape and bruise with a healing crème. Though still early in the evening, both collapsed boneless on their respected beds and fell fast asleep.

It was only the beginning of their problems.

* * *

Naruto threw back his covers and sat upright, staring blearily at the pajama bottoms he wore. It was too late in the evening for this. He was tired, sore, and more than a little worried about what he was getting into. Now this. There was a sense of something wrong as he poked and prodded himself; the junction between his thighs were not only sticky, but there was a pervading soreness in his pelvis different from the soreness that resided elsewhere in his body. It ached dully, radiating from the junction and outward, upward, and downward.

He blinked and rubbed his eyes. There were bloodstains on his pajamas and the sheets. He frowned thoughtfully; he had been so sure to clean himself up and put salve on all his bruises and scratches so Sakura wouldn't suspect he had battered her body around, but he must have missed this. Scratching his head, he slid off the bed and walked to the bathroom. In there, he slid the pajamas off and peered intently.

That didn't look good.

He searched.

YIKES!! He was bleeding _there_! Was this _normal_?

Naruto grabbed toilet paper and stuffed it between his legs to stem the flow, considered what he was doing, and shuddered at the thought of applying Hinata's salve _there_. And how on earth was he going to bandage it up so it would stop bleeding? Maybe he reopened it while kicking restlessly in his sleep. Of course, he didn't remember even bleeding there when he was cleaning up from Jiraiya's training – not that, uh, he had looked.

Slightly worried, Naruto hitched his pajamas bottoms up and entered Sakura's bedroom. He stared critically at the bedding for a moment before he yanked off the sheets and carried them into the bathroom to be scrubbed, rinsed, and soaked. As he did, only slightly comforted knowing that the blood wasn't too noticeable with pink sheets, he wondered what he should do. Maybe... Maybe Sakura would know. Yeah, that was it. It was her body; maybe stuff like this happened a lot to her. As comfortable as he was with his body, his sexy female body, and even Sakura's body by now, he didn't want to be held responsible for undue damage.

He checked, found he was _still_ bleeding, secured the toilet paper, rustled up a clean pair of pajama bottoms, slid on a pair of sandals, and made off into the night. No one from the village noticed him as he hurried through Konoha toward the other side of town. Even he didn't notice the figure that lurked after him on the rooftops.

When he reached his flat, Naruto pounded insistently on the door until it cracked open and he saw _his_ blue eyes peering through. "Oh. It's you." The door opened wider and Sakura took a step back. She frowned at him, as if she didn't like what she was seeing. "Anything wrong?"

"Er." Naruto nervously stepped through the doorway and looked around as Sakura closed it behind. His flat looked neater than it usually did; his sparse furniture was arranged so it didn't appear as unorganized and haphazard as it tended to be, and the floors looked clean enough to eat off of them. Now, he felt guilty for stepping on it.

"What is it?" Naruto jumped in surprise, distracted from studying his expression in the floor. "You seem worried," Sakura said as she headed for one of the chairs and sat down on it. Naruto followed after, noticing absent-mindedly that the window was open and that curtains (curtains? He had _curtains_?) fluttering in the night breeze. It looked like a woman had moved into his place and had her way with it, wrestling with everything that made his flat a bachelor's pad. Not that he should complain. He'd be getting it back in better shape than when he left it.

He studied Sakura for a moment, wondering how to break the news about it, and then figured he may as well blunder forward. His luck had been holding up pretty well; he shouldn't be too hard put to get out of this without too many scars to show for it. "Um, Sakura, I'm bleeding."

Sakura blinked as the words sunk in her head. "What did you say, Naruto?" She frowned in thought and leaned forward, and that was the breaking point.

"Ah! I'm sorry!" Naruto leapt to his feet and waved his hands in the air. "I'm sorry! You were weak so I decided to train and I didn't know it was going to be like this!"

"What are you—-"

"I broke your body!" Naruto thought he heard snickering being desperately choked off, but that was probably just his imagination playing tricks on him – nasty time for it to be doing that, or maybe he was going mad. "And now I'm bleeding! There!" He pointed, and Sakura's face turned red. She stared mutely.

"You're, um, bleeding?" she asked with some hesitance, her eyes not straying.

Naruto nodded stiffly. "And I don't know how to bandage it. Will it stop bleeding?"

"Bandage..." Sakura finally lifted her eyes. Much to Naruto's surprise, they were dancing. She giggled. "Bleeding? You broke my body?" She giggled again.

He crossed his arms in front of himself and sulked. "I thought you'd be mad if I broke your body."

"N-Naruto—-" She burst out laughing. "Th-that's the best thing I've h-heard all day!"

"But, but, Sakura-chan, _how_?" He didn't know whether he should be offended or relieved that she found so much amusement in his misery, especially when it was _her_ body.

"Naruto," Sakura's laughter trailed off, "do you know what a girl's period is?"

He was silent for a moment, wondering what sort of context to take that in. "That anything like a comma?" he asked carefully. Again, there was choked-off snickering.

"No!" She raised her hand to smack him on the head, but remembered that it would be her body carrying the bruise. The hand went down instead. "These things are normal. For a girl, I mean. It's part of being a woman, and it means we can have babies."

"Babies?" Naruto tried imagining himself having a baby. All he could think of were puppies, and then he suddenly realized the _we_. "I don't think we should," he said as he felt his face turn red. He put a hand behind his head and shuffled his feet nervously. "I mean, we're both so young right now that …"

Sakura sighed and rolled her eyes in exasperation as she put her hands on her hips. "I meant we, as in girls. Just because I'm a boy doesn't mean I haven't stopped being a girl." Naruto wondered if becoming a girl and then bleeding like a girl made him any less of a guy, and hoped not. "Naruto, hasn't anyone told you anything about the facts of life?"

"Oh, sure. Iruka-sensei told me that death and taxes were all I needed to concern myself with."

"Death and taxes? _Those_ aren't the facts of life!"

"They happen, don't they?" Naruto pointed out defensively.

"Okay, then. The birds and the bees."

"Um. That one isn't so familiar." Naruto watched as _his _face slowly turned red.

"Then I guess I'll have to explain the facts to you. Um, Naruto, have you ever wondered why men and women are different?"

He scratched his head. "Not really."

"Okay, then. It all starts like this." Sakura's face turned even redder. "It's like, well, biology, I guess."

Naruto didn't see what this had to do with bleeding. "So biology's got to do with men and women being different?"

"It's like. Well. I, that is you, have breasts." Naruto looked down at himself. Yes, _but what did that have to do with bleeding?_ "And you, that is me, have a, um." Was it humanly possible to turn that red? "Um, a male part. Youknowthepenis." Naruto sorted through that jumbled mess of words as Sakura's face grew redder.

"Ooooh. Is this about sex?"

"Yes!"

"I know what that's about and how it's done." He glared at Sakura. "You aren't some pervert, are you?"

"What? _No_!"

"Then why would we be talking about it?"

Sakura raised a fist above her head as if she would bring it down hard upon his skull. He flinched out of habit and raised his arms to protect himself. Her hand still raised in the air, Sakura said, "Because, you idiot!" She lowered her hand and placed it on the non-existing curve of her hip. "Because the bleeding means that you can have babies if you have sex."

Oh. The dirty magazines Naruto would leaf through for research never got around to telling _that_. "When's the bleeding going to stop?"

Sakura pursed her lips as she studied Naruto for an instant, scrutinizing _her_ body for an instant. "Normally, it lasts for three days, sometimes five."

"_Five_ days? Won't I bleed to death?"

"No. It happens."

"But if I bled for that long from any other wound, I would die!" Just _where_ was the snickering _coming from_?

Sakura sighed. "It's not a wound! Look, women have been doing this sort of thing for thousands of years, Naruto. Being in my body for a few days during menstruation will hardly _kill_ you."

Naruto felt torn between relief and horror. "Well, all right then."

"And now that we have that cleared up." Sakura turned a withering glare upon Naruto; shivers of doom danced up and down his spine as she cracked her knuckles ominously. "What's this about breaking my body from training?"

"Ah, heh heh." Naruto smiled sheepishly and again his hand went self-consciously behind his head. "Ah, yes, I meant to tell you about that..."

* * *

Kabuto took another deep breath to still the laughter bubbling in his chest as he sat cross-legged on the roof directly above the open window. At least now he knew what was going on. He had no idea how they got into their current predicament, but the end result was the same.

However, while Sakura and Naruto, both the respective persons and the respective bodies, may have grown and certainly changed since the last time he saw them, ninjas _should_ know better than to discuss sensitive and top-secret information _with the window open_. As the talking moved on to other subjects, Kabuto stood up and silently moved across the rooftops, away from Naruto's flat.

Perhaps he should send them a letter later, informing of them just that, since Konoha hadn't thought to teach her students this.

Then he stumbled and nearly fell off the roof.

* * *

Sasuke jerked awake. Thumps again? Damn those squirrels! That was the second time this evening, and if they continued to do it again, some unfortunate furry bodies were going to meet their end, no matter how annoying Lee's Save The Rare Speckled Underbelly Squirrel That Lives In Sasuke's Eaves campaign. Perhaps he ought to just to spite the bushy eye-browed oddball.

He turned on his side to face the window in time to miss the pair of legs that had been dangling in view.

* * *

Kabuto wiped a hand over his forehead. Note to self: until he had his glasses, no sudden movement or running on the roof. That had been the second time too. Come to think of it, in this general vicinity. He glanced around, but did not see anyone, particularly Sakon and Jiroubou. Good, they were to stay well-hidden until time to address their own mission.

Kabuto slowly backed away from the edge of the roof, until he was firmly in the middle of it. Folding his legs beneath him, he sat down, and then turned about to press the length of his body against the roof's slates. Diminish his body as a target. Think, think. The worst of his fears had been made known (okay; _not_ the worst, but certainly the most unexpected). Orochimaru would want to know, even if he was merely concerned with Sasuke. If Akatsuki learned, then they may make their move. Since Sakura didn't have Naruto's skills, she would be deemed as easy target. Orochimaru didn't really want the kyuubi in their hands. It may just be in their best interests of Kabuto figured out some way to fix them.

If you wanted things done right, sometimes you gotta do them yourself.

As he sat upon the rooftop, contemplating his thoughts, he heard a soft, muttered curse. Curious to know where it came from (and the fact that curses meant humans and humans meant someone he could detect, except he hadn't), Kabuto crawled to the edge of the roof and peered over.

Standing beneath a streetlight, Ino was flipping madly through pages of a book as Kiba's dog, Akamaru … Well, that's obscene, Kabuto thought as his eyebrows arched to his hairline in unfeigned surprise. He had thought the Inuzukas was more skillful at teaching their dogs to refrain from such behavior, but sure enough - Kabuto rubbed his eyes and opened them again - Ino was still swearing when she slammed the book shut and shook it, leveling an eye of vengeance upon its visage. "1001 jutsus and you can't even give me anything to make the damn dog stop humping my foot!"

With a scream of rage, Ino drew back her hand and then let the book fly through the air. Kabuto sat back on his knees and caught it before it could slam into his face. He felt a twinge of pain at the stinging impact the book made against the palms of his hands; the girl could certainly throw when she was angry enough.

With another cry of anger, Ino shook Akamaru free of her foot and ran down the street. Panting and wagging his tail suggestively, Akamaru ran after. Kabuto vaguely noticed which direction Ino was escaping and how fast she was moving, but his interest was drawn to the book like Orochimaru was drawn to power. Well, perhaps not _that_ drawn.

Still, there was a spark of more than interest as he turned the book over in his hands, noting the thickness, its age, and the texture of the cover. He gently opened the front flap and scanned over the table of contents. A lot of interesting things this could yield. Further inspection of the book turned up a dog-eared section over something called, "Love Potion #9." Was that anything like Channel #5?

With a regretful sigh, Kabuto snapped the book closed and carefully tucked it into his pocket. No time for this; he would have to meet up with some informers and have them send a few messengers to Orochimaru. Kabuto had a sneaking feeling that he was going to have to bring the two Genin along. Not that he liked the idea; the two together in separate bodies was enough to make his hackles rise in warning.

* * *

"Aaahhhh. Bed." Sakura smiled happily as she stretched her arms out and basked in the luxury of clean sheets, which she had gone straight for when she finished berating Naruto and he left. Not, she supposed, that she should be angry with him. After all, it was sweet that Naruto cared enough about her to make sure that her body was in better shape when she got it back than when they had switched. M-chan and her new companion, D-chan, curled up together in Naruto's sink, the pillow they rested upon contouring against the sink's curves. They seemed to purr a little as Sakura turned off the light switch with a well-aimed shoe, curled under the blankets, and waited for a good night's rest. After the long day of struggling with her issues (she still hadn't told Naruto about the missing statue, she recalled with no small amount of guilt; they would have to discuss this early the next day), the mental exhaustion was even greater than her physical exhaustion. She looked forward to resting. _Ahhh, darkness. Ahhh, sleep._

As she settled down, there was a stirring of some sort in the darker recesses of her mind. It seemed that the nine-tailed fox was poking its nose from its den and sniffing about for the current state of matters.

"Oh," said Inner Sakura tiredly, about to go off to her own sleep, "what does the overrated ball of fuzz and teeth want now?"

The sense of being that was the nine-tailed fox shifted, as if waving its tails in the air and licking its chops. _An interesting conversation with the boy, tonight,_ it began politely, testing its grounds.

"We're not in the mood for it, Furry."

Not to be undone, the nine-tailed fox seemed to yawn and loll its tongue at that. _ You are only in the mood when it is convenient for you, I have noticed. Typical vixen. Always complaining about headaches. Although with that forehead I may begin understanding why. _

"Some of us need our sleep." Then, not to be undone, Inner Sakura perked up. "I bet _you_ shed until you're bald."

_ Sleep is overrated. Is that your hair or some misfortunate animal that died on your head? _

"Heartless."

_ Oh, thank you. _

"Spineless. Unnerved when a girl cries."

_ Coward. _

"Ain't going to work this time, buster. I'm completely impervious to such insults."

_ Heh heh. I'll imperve you... _

"What?! Eeeewwwww! Interspecies sex!"

_ Hah! Only if it meant getting out of this body and being free once more! _

Sakura sat upright in bed and yelled at the wall. "WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND LET ME SLEEP!!"

There was a moment of welcoming silence as the nine-tailed fox and Inner Sakura drew back almost in surprise at Sakura's reaction. With a snort, Sakura grabbed the coverings and rolled over, wrapping her body tightly and snuggly within their warmth.

_Is it true? _The nine-tailed fox was doing its best to sound bored, and there might have also been a fair bit of awe and curiosity in its voice if it weren't for the fact that the demon still had its dignity to maintain. _That vixens really do bleed for five days and not die?_

* * *

**author's notes:** ... Kabuto brings out the philosophical side of me. (Yes! Yes! It's true! I have an almost unhealthy infatuation with Kabuto - but who doesn't?) 


	10. To hell in a handbasket we go!

There was a lot of which she needed to address. With a spirit of resolution riding on her shoulders, Inner Sakura and the nine-tailed fox demon silently sulking in the background, Sakura sat down at Naruto's kitchen table for some breakfast. Amongst all the ramen, she found an old bottle of ketchup that expired two years ago and was still good (it was, she considered, one of the many laws of reality: ketchup will never, ever go bad, no matter what the circumstance), and some old potatoes that looked ready to sprout a new crop.

Sakura dug up an old pot, and then rearranged his entire collection of cooking utensils and dishes. "Honestly," she muttered in exasperation, "this is such a typical _bachelor's_ pad."

_What do you expect? _the nine-tailed fox asked suddenly, popping up out of nowhere in the same manner that Inner Sakura usually did. _They essentially handed the boy everything he needed to live by, but failed to add the owner's manual of Life. _

"How long has Naruto been living alone by himself?" Sakura asked. She wouldn't have exactly pegged the nine-tailed fox as the most reliable source of information, but if the nine-tailed fox was in Naruto and not fully vanquished by the Fourth Hokage, then the nine-tailed fox had been with Naruto for twelve years.

_Thirteen,_ corrected the nine-tailed fox in a very bored, long-suffering voice. _Thirteen very long, hard, atrocious years. _

"Oh," said Inner Sakura, emerging for the first time and sounding as exasperated as Sakura felt, "what is so bad about humans? Sure, we're weaker than you, but honestly, what is wrong with us? And," she added quickly before the demon could say anything, "don't give me any crap about why you're superior to us."

_Why should I say as you demand? _The nine-tailed fox's tone was one of a semi-serious debater, going over technicalities and arguing points merely because one could, not because one was maliciously exploiting every weak point of the opponent. The mildness of the tone could be a perceptible illusion, a kind mask that hid a brutal cunning that delighted in manipulation and mind-play. _Even if I told you, what are the chances of you taking my words to heart? _

Still, the friendly sincerity was enough to throw Inner Sakura for a loop. _That'd teach her_, Sakura thought somewhat nastily, since Inner Sakura had left it up to _her_ last night to teach the kyuubi basic biology.

"Er," said Inner Sakura somewhat intelligently. "It's, well, it's just that you're always complaining about humans being so bad. And while I admit we aren't the greatest on the lot, it's not like _you're_ a shining example. Look at how many of us you killed! There was no reason for such mindless slaughter!"

_Oh, I assure you, I didn't mind it in the least. _

"That's not—"

_Imagine,_ said the kyuubi suddenly, in a voice that could have been described as dreamy by anyone else, _imagine you as you are now: a healthy young lad, your future bright and so filled with expectations, wonders, possibilities. Or as you once were; a beautiful, talented young woman, the potential of many suitors, a grand career, children if you so cared for them, a reputation of being the best, respected and trusted and looked up to by so many. It's not hard_. An old touch of scorn wormed its way into the demon's voice with the last sentence. _Now know all of that gone in a single instance. Lost, forever. What remains of you a single essence that combines all your memories and knowledge together, held together only by bitterness, and tucked away in the core of a putrid, decomposing corpse infested with wriggling white maggots. _

"Eeeewwwww!"

_Precisely. _That_ is how this feels. _Having granted the two alter-personalities food for thought, the demon retreated into its own shadowy corners of whatever part of Naruto's body or soul it dwelled.

"Oh." Inner Sakura seemed to think about that. "Oh. Well, that does sound sort of like hell."

Sakura didn't like the idea of being compared a decomposing corpse with maggots. _She_ had no sympathy for the demon; she figured that it had no one to blame but itself. If anything, it was _Naruto_ she felt sorry for. Thirteen years – that meant since he had been a tiny baby. Getting stuck with a bloated, egotistical mystical creature with a chip on its shoulder the size of, well, to, to be all honest, the only one with a chip on his shoulder that came close was, um, er, notthatshewouldevermentionthisindaylight, Sasuke-kun.

_He does, doesn't he? _The kyuubi poked its nose into her conscience once more. _Admit it, vixen, that boy has more attitude than Naruto. And I don't mean that in a very kind way either._

"And Naruto is any better?" she demanded hotly. "I admit that Sasuke is arrogant and close-mouthed, but Naruto thinks of two things: Hokages, and ramen, and—"

_You. _

"—and don't get me started on how he charges headfirst into fights without – what?"

_You. Family. The cost of living. You'd be surprised how expensive fresh vegetables and fruits are compared to prepackaged instant ramen. Oh, I imagine one could argue such thoughts come right back to ramen._

Sakura pulled out the pot and set it down on the stove with a loud thump. She busied herself with the potatoes and a sharp knife, sitting on a chair and the garbage pail held firmly between her knees. "What are you babbling nonsense about this time?"

_Naruto thinks of more than just ramen and hokages. You often come up in his thoughts. _

"So?"

_You should be interested,_ the kyuubi said, admonishing, _especially your brassiere size. _

Sakura nicked herself with the knife; it healed almost immediately. "WHAT?"

_You should be honored._ Now there was a fair bit of humor in the kyuubi's tone. _He doesn't mind you being so small—_

Inner Sakura rose with a vengeance. "Enough!" she screamed, pushing the kuuybi downwards. The demon chortled, and then dodged her blow.

_So slow! Catch me if you can!_ Then it was frolicking away, oozing past Inner Sakura's strikes and blows with an ease that made Sakura instantly think of a snake.

_Oi, don't be insulting._

"Ah, didn't mean it like that." Sakura secretly wondered – at least, she hoped it was secretly, since all things considering her head wasn't exactly a place where thoughts could be considered private – when she had started to pander to demons. She stared resolutely down at the potato and peelings. One more day. At the end of this day, if no cure could be found, then they had to tell someone.

But what exactly had they done? Sure, Sakura had finished searching the attic and hadn't found anything except a missing statue. Some progress she had made, and she still hadn't told him, either. What had Naruto done besides get her body banged up?

The kyuubi snickered, but didn't say anything.

"What?" Sakura demanded petulantly.

With a loll of the tongue, the kyuubi winked at Sakura, and then bound off just as Inner Sakura caught up. Wondering at how there seemed to be so much room in Naruto's head, although truthfully she supposed she shouldn't be too surprised, Sakura vigorously attacked the potato with the knife. In a few seconds, the potato was peeled, and she puttered about the kitchen, setting things together for a stew with leftovers to last a few days. There wasn't a whole lot she could use. Thinking wryly of the tale where the traveler made a stew out of nothing but a nail, Sakura wondered about the pros and cons of metal poisoning as she contemplated the rusty nail she had earlier discovered in a drawer.

Screw that, she decided as she tossed the implements in her hands onto the counter. She and Naruto were going to have a talk about what they needed to do. They would have to reorient themselves, and since he was more interested in training (some things never changed), then it was up to her to start the whole ball rolling once more.

She left the flat in search for him, stopping first at her home. When she didn't find Naruto (the bowl of slightly-burnt oatmeal resting upon the kitchen table was a few hours old; she winced and cataloged all the different chores that needed completion before her parents came home), she poked at the kyuubi.

"Hey, you, where is the most likely place Naruto would train?"

The kyuubi stuck its tongue out at her. _The forest._

"Where?"

_Not telling._ It dodged beneath Inner Sakura, then caught her up in one of its nine tails. _Hallo, what have we here? _

Sakura froze in horror, and then Inner Sakura giggled.

"S-stop! That tickles! Hee hee!"

"What are you doing to her?" Sakura demanded loudly with a flailing of her arms.

_Playing. Do you mind? We'd like to have some privacy? _

That was far more than she wanted to know! "Eeewww! Keep that to yourself!"

The dark gleam in the kyuubi's eyes made the hair on the back of Sakura's neck stand on end. Inner Sakura saw it too, and had untangled and thrown herself out of the nine-tailed fox's reach just as power flared and snapped. _Vixen, _the kyuubi said in a voice of ill-tested patience, _do me a favor and hold still. _

"Not in your lifetime, bub!"

With an indulgent wave of his tails, the kyuubi turned about in his cage and settled down, resolutely and silently daring either Sakura to say something. Content to let sleeping dogs lie, Inner Sakura retreated to her own little corner and fell silent. Sakura meekly left her house to search the forest for Naruto.

* * *

That day, there was a scramble of events that all leads this story to a crucial point.

… Hinata spent a good hour that morning gathering more ingredients together, not aware she was being watched by someone plotting _his_ future …

… Tired of having Akamaru rub himself red against her foot, Ino ran into the forest and threw her entire batch of cookies into the air, letting them fly to wherever they may lay …

… The kyuubi and Inner Sakura both quiet, Sakura trudged through the forest, not too worried about finding Naruto. After all, if the swath of damage she was following was any indication of him, she was almost grateful they had switched bodies …

… The ninjas Tsunade sent out to search for the flare of chakra had to be fetched to explain their results. She vowed to do away with this ridiculous paper trail their report had been engulfed in. Just as well, she supposed as she snuck a sip of sake beneath her desk when no one was looking, because they hadn't found a thing …

… The trunk had a rather nice breakfast of rare speckled underbelly squirrels someone had conveniently left lying around wrapped up in a makeshift bag of window screening. And there were these lovely cookies that came raining out of the sky. While the trunk did not believe in such things as gods, it was, nonetheless, feeling blessed. They went quite well with the squirrels and window screening …

… Because the pink-haired girl with a bull's eye on the back of her dress was training in a manner that reminded Itachi so much of Naruto, the two Akatsuki members decided to observe her. The fact that the kyuubi vessel soon stumbled upon her and began berating her about abusing the body made their day so much better, indeed. How convenient that they should be located outside the village, away from anyone who could get in their way …

… Kakashi limped back from his mission, passing by Kurenai's house just in time to see her manhandle and strong-arm Gai and Asuma out of her house, with many a creative threat regarding what she would inflict upon them with a mere pair of wooden chopsticks …

… Asuma and Gai showed up on Kakashi's doorstep, only to see a sign hanging from the doorknob detailing what he would do with a pair of chopsticks to anyone who knocked and disturbed his rest …

… Kiba was bemoaning to his mother the temporary loss of his dog. Kiba's mother, however, was more amused than she was horrified. Kiba had a feeling she made a terribly unsympathetic audience …

… Kabuto hadn't his glasses when he tripped over the trunk, but that was just as well because he didn't need them to know he had better run for dear life. A pity he had to knock over his other Sound companion to make sure he had a head start. _Tch_, a person had to do what a person had to do …

* * *

It was, Kisame reflected with a mood that was steadily lifting, a good day. Any time the gods deemed him a good boy, it rained. When it rained cookies, he must be considered a candidate for sainthood! Not that it had ever rained cookies before, but here he had been sitting in the tree, numb with boredom and wishing something exciting would happen, and cookies just began to fall from the sky. It was a good day to be alive.

Itachi only glanced at the cookies before looking around for the source of the incoming cookies, saw no gods, and then settling his attention back on the blond container and the cute pink one. The cute pink one looked tasty, but Itachi said there was something about the way she moved that Kisame wouldn't be permitted to take a bite. So he sat and observed, and then along came the walking, talking container who yelled at her, and then she yelled back, and then they began speaking together quietly. The more they spoke, the more their attention turned on one another. They hadn't even noticed when cookies fell from the sky.

The cookie smelled of turpentine. Well; perhaps not exactly a candidate for sainthood, but Kisame was a creature, er, man of the Mist Country. He did not look down upon blessed gifts that fell from the sky, almost quite literally into his lap. So he took a bite, and then crunched away, quite surprised to find that it tasted of Indian ink.

"Get ready," Itachi said softly. Kisame caught the subtle sound of shifting cloth as Itachi changed his position slowly. Kisame hurriedly stuffed another cookie into his mouth, and then turned to face Itachi as the man tensed for a leap from the branches onto the two unsuspecting children.

"Itachi," Kisame breathed, his eyes widening in delighted shock. Why had he gone for so long without noticing Itachi's form, the color of his hair, the wonderful nail polish on the nails of his long-tapered fingers, the fine line of his ankle that showed beneath such a flattering cloak? Now he recognized truly the power in every muscle, dip, and curve of the man's figure …

Why had he never before noticed what _a fine piece of ass_ Itachi had?

Itachi didn't even turn to look at the sound of his name. He was, however, startled when two hundred pounds of solid shark-like partner slammed into his backside. The force of Kisame's momentum sent them toppling out of the tree, crashing into branches and snapping them free with an echoing sound that could be heard from one end of the Fire Country to the other. They hit the ground hard; air was forced from Itachi's smooshed lungs like an explosion, Kisame on top with his knees rubbing a very, very sensitive area.

Itachi tried to surge for his feet, his sharingan activated and vision swimming with little colored dots, but he had to see his opponent for his sharingan to work, and Kisame was pressed against his back, his hands here and there and – _there!_ Eeek!

Itachi had always been far more interested in power and skill than such matters as physical intimacy. Even during the worst years of puberty it had never been anything more than a fleeting annoyance. His mind was quickly spiraling down a long, black funnel of shock.

The targets were yelling, but he couldn't quite make out the words. Itachi tried to pry himself free of Kisame's evil, hormone-driven clutches, but there was something quick and sturdy about the man's sheer tenacity that Itachi could only struggle against, and, and … Whatever Kisame was doing with his hips against Itachi's backside, it was enough to make the hair on the back of Itachi's neck rise on end and his vision go red in a manner not connected with the sharingan.

No one but no one took such advantage of him!

This humiliation – this, this degradation! Itachi turned his scattered attention away from the present mission. Some things were far, far more important than capturing a brat they had been after for so many years. His struggles increased as the surrounding sounds pinwheeled into a single point of Kisame repeatedly whispering "nothing" into his ear with a breathy voice. Itachi forced his hitching gasps into a calming cycle. His focus lay on one thing: _kill Kisame_. It didn't matter that someone crashed through the brush, yelling something like, "Run! Run!" and that the target's protests were cut off with a squeak. He caught a vague outline of something resembling a trunk on four legs speeding past, intent upon an entirely different target.

No; only one thing had his focus.

He, Uchiha Itachi, bottomed for _no one_!

* * *

"Wh-what's going on?" Sakura gasped as the ANBU's urging hand pressed against her back and lifted her up to the trees, Naruto at his other hand. She looked over her shoulder at the quickly-approaching sounds of something crashing through the woods; trees were falling backwards, snapped in half from the impact of a high-powered creature. First, there were people falling out of trees, and then Naruto was saying something about Akatsuki, and along came some ANBU who told them to run like they would lose their legs if they didn't.

"Oh, trust me," said the ANBU, his voice slightly muffled from being behind them but still familiar nonetheless, "that is not something you want catching you."

"Why?" Naruto demanded hotly, trying to jerk the back of his dress free from the ANBU's tight grip. He twisted, pink hair flailing, to see the odd thing that Sakura had caught a brief glimpse. "What is it?"

"That trunk," Sakura whispered in dismay.

"What?"

"I _said_ it's that blasted trunk from the attic that tried to eat you earlier, remember?" The ANBU nearly slipped from the tree branch he landed on, and dragged Sakura and Naruto off-balance. Both hit the ground with hard slams, stunned at the less-than-graceful impact. The ANBU landed beside them, one hand behind his head as he apologized, furtive glances sent over his shoulders. The crashing of a pursuing piece of furniture was closing in faster.

"Hands off!" Naruto slapped the offered hand away and then jumped to his own feet. "Who are you?" he demanded.

The ANBU sighed as Sakura opened her mouth to tell Naruto not to be rude. Her words shriveled up and her mouth turned quite dry when the ANBU reached up and took his mask off. There was something eerily familiar about the man – it was after he quickly slipped a pair of glasses onto his face did she recognize him. How he had _aged_... "You can either come with me, or you can stay here and either get caught by Uchiha Itachi or eaten by the trunk." Kabuto's gaze was intense as it lingered upon Naruto, but his voice was soft and edged with anger. "Which will it be?"

Sakura peered around Kabuto to Naruto, who had gone sheet-white and whose fists were clenched tightly at his side. "Who's Itachi?" she asked in a tiny voice. Uchiha; he had to be related to Sasuke, and while there was something about the name that nagged at her memory, she couldn't recall it just now. Was that the person who had toppled out of the trees?

"Why is going with you any worse than staying here?" Naruto spat out, spreading his legs apart and raising his hands in a fighting stance.

"Because," Kabuto said, his impatience growing if the frown on his face and the darting of his eyes toward the crashing was any indication, "I've already lost the third of three companions to that creature."

"An' what makes you any better than that freak with the stripes below his eyes!"

Sakura's hands flew up to her face. "Hey!"

"Because," Kabuto began once more. His hand shot out, faster than Sakura could register. It wrapped around Naruto's throat and pulled him until his nose bumped against Kabuto's. The hand was still wrapped firmly at the base, fingers tight enough to create a strong hold, but do no damage. "Because," he said in a low voice, pronouncing every syllable separately and clearly, "I know what is wrong. Naruto-kun."

Naruto's eyes widened, and then blinked a few times. "Wh-what are you talking about?" he asked, his voice loud and boisterous in Sakura's ears. "I'm Sakura-chan! How can I be Naruto! See, if you hit me, it won't be Henge!"

"No, but you somehow switched your body with Sakura."

"D-don't — no, that is, we didn't!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Enough, Naruto. He figured it out."

Kabuto's other hand shot out. Sakura squeaked as he grabbed the front of her orange jumper and then leapt up, dragging Naruto and Sakura along. They alighted upon one of the tree branches just as the trunk came crashing through the woods and skidded to a halt before their tree. It clacked its lid open and shut as it circled the base, and then threw itself against it. The entire tree shuddered. Kabuto grimly kept his balance.

"Why is it after you?" Naruto demanded suspiciously. Sakura watched the angry exchange between Naruto and Kabuto in confusion, wide eyes turning from them to the trunk as it battered itself against the tree.

"How on earth as I supposed to know?" Kabuto glared at the trunk, as if accusing it of everything that had gone wrong. "Come with me, both of you."

Naruto pushed himself from Kabuto. "Why should we? You're with Orochimaru!"

The tree shuddered again and titled slightly, great roots ripping from the earth with explosions of sound. The trunk hopped from peg to peg, then threw itself against the tree again. Kabuto shrugged. "I can leave you here and buy me some time to get away." The tree shuddered, and then kept falling over, the ground rushing up to meet them.

Kabuto grabbed Sakura and Naruto by the back of their shirts and leapt to another tree. "What say you?"

"No!" Naruto jerked himself free, and then stopped as Sakura fell limply to her knees. "What did you do?" He threw himself at Kabuto, but the med-nin leaned out of the way and pressed his hands against the back of Naruto's neck, forcing him unconscious with a spark of chakra aimed at the right areas of the brain stem. He threw Naruto over his shoulder, tucked Sakura under his arm, and glanced around. No sign of Itachi or Kisame, but that didn't mean they could be right behind.

With a lustful trunk hot on his heels, Kabuto left the forest.

* * *

**author's notes:** Gosh, this was fun to write. :)  



	11. Not by violence shall you die

When Sakura finally struggled past the hovering heaviness in her limbs, lifted her head and looked around, she discovered she was firmly chained back-to-back with Naruto, her feet pulled behind at an awkward angle and probably tied to his as well. Not that she could tell, because everything below her hips had gone alarmingly numb. Naruto slumped against her shoulder and snored loudly, muttering things like, "Heh heh. Take that. Serves ye right. Meh, Sasuke! DIE!"

"He's been like that for the past hour," Inner Sakura muttered resentfully. "Give him a sharp jab in the side."

_It's getting on our nerves,_ the nine-tailed fox added resentfully from further down in the recesses of her mind.

Sakura furtively glanced around. They were in a little cell with wooden sides, the floor merely hard-packed dirt. Across from them was a small door with an even smaller window, barbed steel bars lining it with only enough space to slide two fingers. Chained together with Naruto, it didn't look like they'd be escaping.

And because Sakura was such a sweet, generous young lady, she viciously jabbed the sharp point of her elbow into Naruto's side and woke him up. Some days, it paid to have testosterone floating through one's veins.

_There is, my dear vixen,_ the demon said sarcastically, _very little different between you on testosterone, and you on estrogen._

"Huh? Whazza?" Naruto blinked. "Where'd my feet go?" He stared at the ground with bleary eyes, rubbed his cheek against a shoulder, and then stood up, pulling Sakura to her feet before she could ask Inner Sakura to reach out and thump the demon.

Sakura squeaked. "What are you doing?"

"Gotta take a whiz."

"In _my_ body?"

"Ah geez, am I supposed to hold it for three fricken' days! So, just how've you been going?"

Sakura felt her face turn red. "Er…"

_Peeing standing up, like any other proper male of any other species. _

"Ah-hah!"

"Will both of you shut up! And just how are you going to pull down your shorts?" Sakura demanded hotly. "Your hands are literally tied!"

"Well, can you reach them, then?"

"What? Absolutely not!"

"But, Sakura," Naruto whined, "it's your body, so why should it matter?"

Sakura pursed her lips together, trying to fight down the rising wave of anger and frustration. Couldn't Naruto see that they were in a dangerous situation? She was sure that — that — was that _snickering_ she heard, just beyond the door? "Hush, Naruto!" she said sharply, learning toward the sound.

"Would you rather I got your shorts wet?"

Sakura drew up short at that, and grimaced. "Oh, fine. Let's get it over here in a corner where we won't sit or step in it." With much complaining, many contortions, and a fair bit of stumbling, the two managed to figure out how to crab-walk sideways in a reasonable pace. "Honestly!" Sakura muttered when they reached the far corner. She wriggled her fingers and twisted her arms, grunting and straining until she finally tugged up _her _red dress and had yanked down _her _shorts. "Now, hurry up and do your business, and don't get me wet."

"Hey, I can't aim as well in this body as I could mine!" Naruto wriggled about, and Sakura felt her face turn red with embarrassment on her body's behalf.

"You mean you've been _practicing**?" **_

****"How was I supposed to know girls peed sitting down? Hey, is that the sound of someone laughing at us?" Naruto added with dawning realization. He looked around. "Where are we?"

Sakura rolled her eyes and fought down the urge to rip off her bonds and choke Naruto. "Gosh, gee, I don't know. After all, we were _only_ knocked out by a fellow Konoha shinobi that I thought was nice because he helped us in the Chunin exam."

"That's 'cause he's with that freaky snake-guy!"

Sakura frowned, trying to recall anyone they had met before that could qualify to be called a freaky snake. The nine-tailed fox yawned and rolled its tongue. _Orochimaru hasn't had as much interest with Naruto as Akatsuki, but I'll grant that that assistant of his didn't rescue us out of the graciousness of his black heart, nor to save us from the trunk._

"But," asked Inner Sakura, "who is Orochimaru?"

_He's the one who bit Sasuke, is responsible for the Sound nins, killed that worthless shlump of a Third Hokage, and — ow! _

"What?" Inner Sakura stared down the darkness in confusion. "What just happened?"

There was only indignant silence in return. Naruto did some impressive wriggling, and Sakura had to admit she wasn't aware of being that flexible, in order to pull up the shorts. They twisted and bit and Naruto swore about how Sakura wore uncomfortable panties. Sakura wondered if it were wrong to pinch him.

"At least you could try a thong," Naruto muttered when he realized that Sakura wasn't really listening.

"A — a thong?"

"Yeah. Ino showed me 'em when we went shopping."

"You went shopping? A _thong_?"

"Yeah. I suppose they'd give you a wedgie if you had to fight in it. But I bet they wouldn't twist!"

"_Naruto_!"

"What? Hey, is that laughter?" They both stood silent; there was a snickering coming from past the walls. Naruto marched toward where the sound was filtering itself through the door. "Who's there?" Sakura refrained from asking the laughing if it wouldn't mind getting them out. The snickering stopped. There were sounds of bolts sliding back and hinges creaking just before the door to their prison swung open.

A tall, lean man with pale, greenish skin and bandages wrapped up the length of his arms stood in the door, a twisted smile on his lips. He stepped past the threshold of the room and observed the two stunned Genin with cruel amusement clear in his face and eyes. "My, my," he said, eyes shifting from Naruto to Sakura and back. "What a predicament you find yourself in."

The two Genin glared silently. Sakura felt trapped, remembering the man's evil aura. Naruto felt exposed; had to be the twisted underwear. If only he could just straighten the elastic band…

"What do you want?" Naruto asked, trying to subtly slip his hands under the dress he wore. Sakura elbowed him when she noticed.

"Not in public!" she hissed, her face burning bright red as she cast a glance at Orochimaru. The man merely stood and observed. If he meant to kill them, Sakura knew he would have done so now. He wanted something then, and the only thing that came immediately to her mind was the nine-tailed fox. If that was the case, though, then Naruto, in _her_ body, shouldn't have come along unless Kabuto wanted to get rid of all living witnesses.

"But it's twisted!"

"And not in front of guys!"

"I _am_ a guy!"

"Well, technically, so am I, so don't do it in front of _me_."

"This is your body. Why should you care?"

"I do care because it is _my_ body!"

Naruto sulked at that. Between the bunched panties, Orochimaru, and Sakura, this just wasn't looking up to be a good day. "Well, I've been trying to work with your body," he said, a desperate tone making its way into his voice. So far, they were doing a good job at distracting Orochimaru, but could he use that advantage for Sakura and him to escape? If they could barely move in a coordinated fashion from Point A to Point B so he could attend to simple biological functions, then how were they going to scuttle past Orochimaru?

Sakura sighed. "Yes, I know. I saw that.

"Hasn't been easy, you know."

"I suppose not. I'm not a very strong person."

"And your beasts hurt."

"They generally do before my period."

Naruto muttered something again about how he still couldn't believe he could bleed for five days and not die. At that, Orochimaru hid his hand behind his mouth and snickered. Naruto rounded upon him resentfully. "Ah, what would you know?" he demanded, dragging Sakura a few steps forward. "I've had to put up with _leaks_, ya hear?"

Sakura's face flooded with heat. Did he just say… "Naruto!"

"We," said Inner Sakura, "do not try to piss off dangerous criminals who could squash us like a bug. Tell that to Naruto."

_Have I mentioned before that the self-preservation is a concept you wretched humans find abysmal at best?_ the fox asked.

"So says the—"

"Oh, all four of you, shut up!" Sakura yelled.

"Ah, Sakura?" Naruto twisted his head around to look at her. "There's only three of us."

"You! You who have been abusing my body and getting it banged up—" Orochimaru went into a fit of coughing, although it sounded suspiciously like laughter "—have absolutely no idea what it's like to have to stand peeing up with your, your, _thing_!"

Naruto blinked. "Thing?"

"Humph," said Inner Sakura resentfully. "You did it with your eyes closed."

"Damn right I did! I didn't have to listen to the voices in my head about stuff like that! The commentaries! It's like a walking, talking, peanut gallery that no one else can see or hear. It's bad enough that I've got one, but there's two! And they fight and call each other names, and it's just pathetic to hear a nine-tailed fox demon who nearly destroyed us thirteen years ago say it would be very glad to have interspecies sex if it meant getting out of this body!"

_Just shows you how deplorable this is. _

"I'm not through, fuzz-butt! And I am stuck in this body and I couldn't find anything in the attic even though I looked, and then I realize that Naruto is getting further along in my body than I did and it just makes me feel so worthless!"

_Fuzz… **Fuzz**-butt?_ The kyuubi sounded as if it didn't know whether to be insulted or amused.

"You're not worthless," Naruto said after an uncomfortable moment that would have been silent if it weren't for the fact that Orochimaru's choked coughing was destroying any serious bonding they might be doing. "I like you. I mean, even if I am you, I like you, Sakura-chan. But I wasn't getting any chakra, so I went to the pervert-sensei for some help with training. I got your chakra when he grabbed my boob."

Naruto could hear Sakura sputter wordlessly for a few moments, and then, "_Who's boob_?"

"Mine. Yours." Naruto looked down with a frown. "Well, they were attached to the chest of the body I'm currently in," he amended quickly.

"Are you telling me you got my body banged up _and_ groped?"

"Er, yeah?"

There was some more wordless sputtering. "Argh! We're going to be stuck like this forever and no one knows where we're at except those two weirdos who fell out of the tree!"

"Name's Itachi," Naruto said as he recalled that moment. "He's Sasuke's brother. And the other fellow looks like a shark and has got a big sword. What were they doing when they fell out of that tree?"

_Looked to me like Itachi was being sexually molested by Kisame, _said the nine-tailed fox, who decided to settle upon amused.

"He was what?" Sakura demanded.

"What?" Naruto wanted to know. Sakura told him.

"BUHAHAHAHAHAHA—" Naruto and Sakura eyed Orochimaru suspiciously as the man slumped against the wall, pointing and laughing at them. "—HAHAHAHAHAHAHA—"

"Well," said Inner Sakura indignantly, "I'm glad someone is getting something out of this fiasco."

"All this," Sakura said in resentment, "because of a stupid statue in a stupid attic with stupid stuff."

"I hate those stuffed monkeys," Naruto added.

For some reason, that only increased the force of Orochimaru's laughter.

* * *

Kabuto sat in his little hospital room, ignoring the person in the bed not too far away. He silently flipped through pages of the book, not really seeing what most of the jutsus were. His mind traced over the similarities between Naruto and Sakura's switch, and how Orochimaru would change bodies when necessary. There had been one jutsu he noticed earlier that — ah hah! There it was.

Kabuto tilted the book toward him and scanned the method. Not quite what he wanted, but if he made adjustments there, and borrowed some theory and technique from Orochimaru's, then it was possible to change Naruto and Sakura back. The one problem was that he hadn't the massive amount of chakra needed to perform the jutsu. He would have to utilize Naruto — or, as the case may be, Sakura. The nine-tailed fox's chakra would be more than enough, if he could just channel that to where he wanted it—

There was a bloodcurdling scream outside the building, and then the entire structure shuddered as something large came into impact. The Sound Village wasn't really known for its large population, so there weren't too many people outside. Undoubtedly, there were now fewer than before. With a sigh, Kabuto snapped his book shut and stood up. Casting a look upon the person lying in bed, chest rising and falling with an even, shallow rhythm of sleep, Kabuto crossed the room to the door. He slid the panel open slightly; just large enough for a dog to slip through, and then he went to the other side of the room to the window. With one last glance at the person in the bed, Kabuto slipped through the window and jumped from that building to the one beside it. He scrambled up the side to the rooftop and made himself comfortable in a corner.

Not long afterwards, there were crashing sounds from the room he had been in. The noises increased after he heard a "Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping!" With a shudder, he hunched over and made notes in the margin of the book, plotting out his theory. When the noises faded, and he could go no further along his plotting, he twisted and peered over the roof's edge. It didn't surprise him to see that the building, although tilted partly to the side, was still standing. He hadn't heard it go crashing to the ground, after all. He furtively searched nearby shadows, but saw no movement.

With a sigh of relief, Kabuto sunk down and opened up his book. Something purple fell on its pages, just as he felt a soft weight drop upon his head and his vision was suddenly filled with inquiring button-eyes.

"Uncle?"

The purple lump on his book perked up. "Uncle!"

Kabuto would have buried his face in his hands if he could. "Oh, _rats_."

* * *

"—HAHAHAHAHAHA—"

"Eventually, he has to take a breath," Sakura said in wonder.

Naruto eyed the distance between them and the door.

"—HAHAHAHAHAHA—"

* * *

Tsunade looked up from her piles of paperwork to see Asuma walk through a door, a stunned look on his face. He settled himself before Tsunade, chewing on an unlit cigarette. "Yes?" she asked him when he remained silent.

"Do you remember the Uchiha massacre?"

"How the best of Konoha's bloodlines were wiped out because of that boy-genius? I remember seeing him, once, when he was on an ANBU team that was passing through the same town I was in."

Asuma blinked very carefully, as if he was holding onto a fragile existence and was doing his best not to shatter it in his clumsy grasp. "And you know about how Itachi was recently here with his companion named Kisame."

"_I_ had to heal Sasuke and Kakashi." Tsunade raked a hand through one of her pigtails. "Okay, enough of the exposition. Spit it out; I don't have time for you to linger over this."

"Ah, I _think_ he was in the forest."

She glared at him. "You _think_?"

"But I'm trying to come to terms of Itachi being felt up and unable to fend of what seemed to a man in heat."

"Heat?"

"Heat. You know, like cats do to make kittens?"

"Do you realize the medical improbability of _men_ going into _heat_?"

"Yes. But do you realize the improbably of Itachi letting anyone near him long enough to get his ass _grabbed_, and then that person still _living_?" Asuma sat down heavily in a nearby chair and buried his head in his hands. Tsunade, who remembered a sullen boy giving her a passing glance on the streets, tried to imagine what Asuma seemed to have stuck in his head. She stood up, slapping her hand lightly against the wood.

"If Itachi is here, then our security must be upped. Where is Naruto? Are you absolutely sure that you saw Itachi?"

"I've already tried looking for Naruto; couldn't find the brat anywhere." Asuma shuddered. "Truthfully though, if the direction and speed that Itachi fled was any indication, he'll be in the next country by nightfall."

_That_ was unexpected. "He fled?" That couldn't be the right word. Itachi wasn't the sort to flee. To escape, yes, but to _flee_?

Asuma finally lit the cigarette dangling from his lips, and drew a deep drag from it. "And I would too, if I had someone like Kisame yanking down his trousers to do something unsightly."

* * *

"—HAHAHAHA-coughcoughgaspcough-HAHAHA—" Propped up against the wall, face bright red and hair dangling across his face, Orochimaru didn't notice as Sakura and Naruto very cautiously crabwalked past him.

"—HAHAHAHA-wheeze!gaspgasp-HAHAHAHAHA—"

* * *

Kabuto ignored the stuffed monkeys perched upon his shoulders when he entered the building, very carefully masking his presence and always monitoring his surroundings. No one else was around, and whether that was because there were no survivors was a different matter altogether. He found Sakura and Naruto hidden in a room, halfway through their bonds. Sakura was complaining of how Naruto should have paid attention during his rope untying jutsu lesson or, at the very least, not get in her way while she was trying to make a valiant attempt at getting out of this mess.

He stood in the doorway, hands tucked in his pockets and the book under an arm, and waited for them to finally notice. When they finally did notice, Naruto leapt to his feet ready to fight, dragged Sakura to hers, knocked each other over, and both became hopelessly tangled in the lengths of chain they had managed to free from their feet.

"I'm sorry," he said. He hadn't really rehearsed what he was going to say to them, since there really wasn't a way he could present this without them calling him a liar and being distrusting. "This is causing you all undue stress." He raised the book. "But I think I know how to put you two back into your bodies."

"Why should we trust you?" Sakura demanded. Kabuto had a flash of mental vision of Sakura overlaying Naruto in such a way that everything she was blended into everything that he was, creating a mishmash of characteristics that no one could pinpoint. "You brought us to that man!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Naruto nodded his head vigorously, hands working even more to free them from their bonds.

"Speaking of which," Kabuto said as he pushed his glasses up his nose, "where is he?"

It was amazing how much disgust and contempt could be conveyed by two young persons, no matter how experienced they may be with the crueler part of the world. "He's laughing himself sick over our misery," Sakura grumbled.

"When we left, he didn't even notice," Naruto groused. Kabuto looked over his shoulder, down the length of the hall to where the prison he had locked them was. He didn't hear any laughter. He started down it.

"I shall be back," he said over his shoulder, "so don't go anywhere." He saw the open door of the prison. Looking through, he discovered Orochimaru had collapsed on the floor. He knelt down beside his master and felt for a carotid pulse with one hand, while his other hand pressed against Orochimaru's chest to detect breathing.

Nothing.

Kabuto poked at Orochimaru's skin, finding it still warm. He grabbed a hand and shook the arm, noting how the limb flip-flopped. A bit of poking at the body produced few answers, but then he didn't have too many questions to ask. Silently, Kabuto stood back up and made his way to the room where Naruto and Sakura were last.

"Tut tut," he said in warning as he entered the room. Sakura was trying to give Naruto a boost up to the small window overheard. "I wouldn't recommend that if I were you. That trunk is out there, and I imagine it's not the happiest creature in the world."

The two Genin managed to look affronted at being caught, but Naruto jumped down on the ground and both regarded Kabuto warily. Kabuto pushed his glasses up his nose. "Orochimaru-sama," he said lightly, "is dead."

There was a moment of stunned silence as the two children gaped at him in astonishment. "What do you mean he's dead?" Sakura finally asked as Naruto cried, "But he was laughing when we left!"

"Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto continued as if they hadn't interrupted, "appears to have asphyxiated himself."

Naruto blinked, and then screwed his face up in a thoughtful frown. A jolt ran through Kabuto to see Naruto's signature expression plastered on _Sakura's_ face. "What's asfissiwhatsit?"

"Apparently, the laughter deprived Orochimaru of needed oxygen. He essentially smothered himself." Kabuto's eyes glinted as he smiled coldly. "Congratulations; you killed Orochimaru with your comedy of errs. A sadistic monster, brought down because of mishaps that befell two children. Great, strong, famous people like the Third Hokage – the very man who trained him – have gone against Orochimaru and few walked away unscathed, but _you_ somehow managed to defeat the man by something other than violence. What do you have to say for yourself?"

One of the monkeys jumped from Kabuto's shoulders, scuttled across the floor, and grabbed Naruto's ankle with a shriek of, "Mama!"

The only other word that was said was a lone, "…oops…" from Sakura, because she really couldn't think of anything else to say.

* * *

**author's notes:** I would like to thank everyone for their lovely reviews. I especially enjoyed the overall response to the last chapter, particularly the rather one-sided Kisame/Itachi. The next chapter is nearly finished, and it will be the last chapter of this story. I'm wrapping it up, folks; lots of loose ends will be tied up, and I promise to knock some socks off! 


	12. Konoha: destroyer of fine family values

It took a fair bit of rearranging his theory, a short time to explain to Sakura, and a longer time to wait for her to beat the idea into Naruto's head. Despite the fact that he had kidnapped them in the first place, both children were certainly willing to do what was necessary to get back into their original bodies.

"Good," said Naruto firmly. "No more diapers."

Sakura slapped him upside the head. "_Napkins_, Naruto! Sanitary _napkins_!"

Kabuto was silent as he watched them bicker back and forth. For Naruto, it was two-sided. Sakura, however, had a three-way going on just in her mind alone, and from the sounds of it, she was probably losing. 'Tis a sad thing, indeed, when one loses to the voices in one's head, but Kabuto wisely kept his own thoughts silent.

Once they agreed to the jutsu, more time passed as he and Sakura worked out a formula of chakra to funnel for the jutsu. She felt up to doing it, despite how she didn't quite have a stable grasp on two simultaneous sources of chakra.

When the nine-tailed fox decided to nudge her while Kabuto was performing the jutsu, the resulting explosion was spectacular to see. However, being caught in the middle of it often leaves one unable to express much gratitude or appreciation.

* * *

Naruto sat upright with a groan, shook his head, and then opened his eyes. His vision was blurry, but when he reached down to check which body he was in, he was delighted to find that he was male. "All right!" he cried, pumping his fist in the air. "Er…" He blinked at the sound of his own voice, reached around to the back of his head, and fingered a ponytail. He hung his head and groaned again.

"Hmm." Kabuto poked at his newly-possessed breasts. "Interesting." Then he prodded other bits. "Naruto-kun is right. This _is_ a diaper."

Sakura, the only one who hadn't really gone anywhere, jabbed Kabuto viciously in the side.

"I see that we shall have to make some corrections to our calculations," Kabuto said hurriedly, rubbing the spot Sakura's elbow had inflicted its blow.

* * *

Kabuto's body blinked in puzzlement, before it turned to face Sakura-as-Naruto, who impatiently tapped her foot against the ground. "Papa?"

The stuffed purple monkey managed an impressive glare. "All right. Who sneezed at the most inopportune time?" it demanded, fuzzy little paws resting on what could theoretically be called hips.

Naruto, once more in Sakura's body, sheepishly raised his hand. "Er, sorry about that."

* * *

Tsunade had just settled herself in her seat, ready for another day, another job. She glowered at the stack of paperwork that had somehow managed to breed in the nine hours she was gone. Paper may come from trees, but forms, she was almost positive, came from rabbits. With a resigned sigh, she reached for one stack and pulled it close.

The door to her office crashed open with enough force to smack the wall opposite of it. Tsunade glared at the intrusion. Anko stood in the doorway, looking stunned. "O-Orochimaru—"

Tsunade was instantly on her feet, concern flashing across her face as she made lightening quick calculations of the number of ninjas in the Hidden Village that could rally and—

"He's dead!"

—and furnish a funeral that… "What?" Tsunade stared at him. Anko stuttered for a moment, shell-shocked at the news she bore. Anko looked torn between laughing and crying, and wasn't quite sure which she should settle for.

"Uzumaki Naruto and Haruna Sakura have arrived. They said that Orochimaru is dead. That traitor Kabuto is with them, and willingly entered the custody of our ANBU."

Tsunade sunk down into her chair. "Well," she said. "Well. Send Sakura and Naruto right in," she commanded. Anko nodded stiffly, and then retreated. Moments later, she shepherded Naruto and Sakura into Tsunade's office. Both looked like they had survived an explosion, their hair singed and standing on end, skin covered with dirt, bruises, and scratches, and their clothes certainly worse for wear.

"How is it that Orochimaru is dead?" she demanded in disbelief.

Sakura and Naruto exchanged a long look, the silence between them more expressive than possible words. With a nearly identical shrug, they turned back to her and Sakura said, "He laughed himself to death."

She had heard of people laughing themselves until they were sick and she herself had laughed until she cried; she knew it was possible to kill somebody with comedy (all is fun and games, as the saying goes, until someone loses an eye). But she was finding it difficult to imagine her former teammate asphyxiating himself from too much laughter.

Tsunade studied them, cataloging their body language, as Sakura and Naruto launched into a story that started in an attic they were cleaning, and ending when the trunk, attracted by the spectacular explosions, chased them back to Konoha. She shuddered to think of such a creature roaming free in the woods outside their village, but couldn't really think of what to do. The story she was told sounded too amazing to be true, but Sakura and Naruto often cut in with reminders of what happened, or their individual experiences in a single event. In many ways, the story was funny, and she thought the possibility of these two looking back on these past few days and laughing was generally high.

But Tsunade had difficulty enough cracking a smile at their story, let alone _dying_ from laughter.

To think that such a thing took place in her village without her knowing … Tsunade felt strangely vulnerable. But she couldn't bring herself to reprimand them for not telling anyone as they should have. By the expressions of different emotions Sakura and Naruto showed on their faces as they relegated what they went through, Tsunade had a feeling this was an experience both learned a lot, and were unwilling to repeat. Once was one time too many, some could say.

She looked at Sakura as they finally trailed into silence, unable to say anything else. "So you know," Tsunade said, "about the nine-tailed fox."

Sakura snorted. "Probably more than I wanted to know."

Tsunade caught a hint of something that Sakura and Naruto had somehow refrained from telling her, but she allowed it to slide. "What are you going to do now?" The two shrugged; Tsunade couldn't blame them. She certainly didn't know what to do with them. "You are, of course, not permitted to tell of the kyuubi to anyone. It is forbidden to discuss it."

Sakura glared defiantly. "But everyone hates Naruto for it. Naruto and the fox demon are two different persons. Er, creatures."

"They will," said Tsunade with a peaceful voice, her gaze settling upon Naruto and his look of unhappiness, "eventually forget. Those who cannot forget will come to know Naruto for Naruto, and not Naruto for the kyuubi. The memory of the generation who knows will fade, and Naruto can forge his path through the following generations." It sounded ideal, Tsunade knew, but that still didn't mean the boy hadn't a hard journey before him still. "The path is narrow and rocky, but I don't think, having just gone through what you've been through, that it will break you."  
Naruto grinned. "If I can put up with bleeding for five days without dying, I can put up with anything!"

Sakura jabbed him in the side. "I do that once a month and you only had to do it one day!"

_So do I,_ thought Tsunade, although she kept it to herself.

She dismissed Sakura and Naruto, and had Anko bring Kabuto in for questioning.

* * *

"So what is your excuse?" Tsunade's expression was stern as she leaned back in her chair and studied Kabuto, who stared back with a level gaze. The last time she had seen him, he had done a fair amount of damage to Naruto and her. She propped her elbows on her chair's arms and laced her fingers in a bridge to rest her chin upon. "Why did you betray the Hidden Leaf Village for Orochimaru?"

"I was the victim of bad companionship?" Her expression went from stern to dark. So it wasn't the best answer he could fabricate. "Um, you know how it is when everyone else is doing it and they expect you to do it too, and you'll do just about anything to be accepted."

"That's it?" she asked in disbelief. "You helped kill our Third Hokage, destroyed Konoha, and was the right-hand man for a destructive, probably insane wretch who orchestrated these events, nearly killed Naruto, tried to kill me, because of _peer pressure_?"

"Oh, come now - what do you expect?" Kabuto asked in exasperation as he spread his hands wide in question. "_You_ Leaf ninjas killed _my_ family, adopted me, took me in, expected me to assimilate into _your_ culture, never really _trusted_ me, blamed _my_ village for the destruction caused, never bothered to see if I was well-adjusted, turned blind eyes when I was _bullied_ by the children orphaned by the same battle as I, and you're shocked – simply _shocked_! – that I would take up with someone who wanted to get rid of the whole lot of you?"

"Ah." Tsunade couldn't help but squirm self-consciously in her chair. It's hard to dispute someone's hatred when it was created from that much cause and effect, and she owed him for switching Naruto and Sakura back. "Point taken. Do you still want to go with being the victim of bad comradeship?"

He shrugged. "It works for me."

"Very well." Tsunade stood up, better to leap across the desk and grab him if she had to, and asked, "Were you an unwilling accomplice to Orochimaru?"

Kabuto removed his glasses and cleaned them with his shirttail. His question was well-guarded and not easily asked. "How will my answer effect your judgment?"

"Were you, or were you not?"

"Orochimaru's propaganda was _very_ convincing."

Tsunade fought the urge to smack Kabuto soundly across the head. Since the impact would make his head burst like a melon, she forced the urge away. She wasn't truly sure what to make of him, but she also wasn't truly sure if he was better off dead or not. "Was it by your own free will that you entered Orochimaru's services, and did you freely attack and invade Konoha?" _Give me an opening give me an opening give me an opening..._

"Ah." He put his glasses back on. "You know, everyone thinks that being the right-hand man to Orochimaru was the greatest thing to ever happen. Sure – _if_ you like being a minion to a sadistic, slightly unbalanced unpleasant man whom you have to wonder what his parents were doing when he looked the way he looked. If you were an underling, it wasn't so bad; there was the medical coverage – which was me – and the dental coverage – which was also me – but I never got any vacations or bonuses. That implies he actually paid me. The only thing I got out of the deal was a comfortable bed, but it wasn't like I got to sleep in it or anything, because there was this _entire_ village demanding medical and dental appointments, not to mention the duties assigned to me by Orochimaru."

"Where is this leading?" Tsunade demanded impatiently as he paused to take a breath. He continued on as if she had never spoken; it wasn't often that someone actually took the time to sit down and listen to what he had to say, unless it was something along the line of, _Take this X times a day._

"Truth is, I never wanted to be a medical nin. I wanted to be a magician! But noooooo. I had to be put through the academy and I had to put up with medical school, and the fighting and the blood and all those sharp weapons! I was coerced into it against my own will! I had no choice!" Kabuto lowered his voice. "Eh. Sorry about that."

Tsunade's lips quirked. "A magician?" Kabuto glared defensively.

"When I was but a babe, I remember my mother – at least, I think it was my mother, it's hard to say at this point – telling me never to run with scissors, because I could fall and poke out an eye. And what do you people do but destroy those fine family values I was taught! You _handed_ me a _kunai_ and told me to go play!"

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched. "A _magician_?"

"And I did rescue Sakura and Naruto from Itachi and his companion, brought them back to Konoha safe and sound, and reversed whatever made them cross bodies." Kabuto made no mention of how it was he who had taken them directly to Orochimaru right after rescuing them from Itachi.

"Yes. For that, you have our gratitude and is the only reason why I haven't killed you." Tsunade tactfully avoided bringing up the very point that Kabuto avoided. She lifted an open hand to hide her mouth in an attempt to appear as if she were contemplating a grand idea, when they both actually knew she was trying to hide an amused smile. "How's this for a proposal?" she began carefully, still hiding her mouth; Kabuto leaned forward to catch her words. "I'm getting mixed messages here, but we'll just say you were under the influence of Orochimaru, against your will and ability to defend against such influence. After all, he had been known to hypnotize people. However, there must be a suitable punishment that will appease the people of Konoha. For the next ten years, you are exiled from the Fire Country, though you may be monitored by Leaf shinobi. I would like to say you are forbidden to use any of your ninja or medical skills, but I realize how unpractical that is when you can use such skills to protect yourself and others, and I loathe wasting good med-nin skills. However, should you willingly decide to use your skills _against_ Konoha ever again, your life is forfeit. Should you enter Konoha before the ten years is up, your life is forfeit. Do you accept these terms?" Her lips quirked again. "Think of it as an opportunity to practice your skills as a magician," she added snidely.

Kabuto glared at Tsunade for a moment, and then sighed in defeat as his shoulders sagged forward. "Done. I accept your terms with one request: May I write letters to people here?"

Tsunade felt her mind stutter to a quick halt in surprise. "Who would you write letters to?"

"Oh, you know how it is. Iruka-san was an older classmate of mine, and I actually got along with and liked him. No; that's a lie because he picked on me too, but every now and then he'd treat me to ramen, which I don't even _like_ but then again no one ever thought to ask me what I would have liked, but I guess it's the thought that counts. I think it'd be nice to know what is going on after I spent so long spying on Konoha. After years of knowing the dirt on everyone, it would be a shame to miss out on all the gossip."

Her eyebrow twitched, this time not in good humor. "Gossip?"

"Oh sure; regular soap opera you've got going on here in the village. I'm still waiting to find out if Ibiki will ever tell Kurenai that he's been in love with her since she became a Chunin, or if Genma's next door neighbor's wife really is pregnant with his child — Genma's child, that is, not the next door neighbor's, and I would hate to miss out Iruka's reaction when he learns his stalker is actually Asuma."

Tsunade fought down the urge to slap her forehead. "Don't tell me most of the time you were spying for Orochimaru was actually spent gathering gossip!"

"Okay. I won't tell you. But if you ever need blackmail material, I'm your man!"

She pointed at the door exiting her office. "Out! Out out out out!"

Kabuto, his back stiff with dignity, walked to the door. With his hand on the doorknob, he turned back to her and said, "Does this mean I can't write and learn about what is going on?" He ducked under the bronzed paperweight she threw at him. It made a large hole through the wall, as well as the three walls beyond.

"One letter to one person per month! Now get out of my office!"

* * *

Dressed in corduroy and his tell-tale silver hair tucked under a fedora, forehead bare of any protector, Kabuto sat upon a rock and looked over Konoha from the distance. He was thoughtfully silent, contemplating only thoughts that he knew, and unmindful of how the shadows lengthened steadily, soon to meld into the shadow of night and form one large, lurking beast of darkness.

The bushes rustled, and only his eyes shifted toward the rustling. Out of the bushes shyly crept the trunk, two stuffed monkeys, animated against all reality and reason, perched upon its back and peering curiously at him with flat eyes made of glass. All three of them watched Kabuto warily.

He sighed as he turned his head fully toward them. "Come along, then," he said. "I could use a good opening act and you're the best I can get until I actually learn something beyond the ol' pull a coin from behind the ear trick."

In ten years, his exile would be up. But anything could happen in ten years; Akatsuki was still after the kyuubi, Sakura was growing into skills and talents she had never before explored, Sasuke may or may not be an avenger. In Naruto's quest to become Hokage, anything could happen. The objects in the attic had yet to be touched by another person; they were a disaster just waiting for some misfortunate soul to happen to.

As Kabuto stood up and dusted himself off, he planned his progress. Learn tricks. Break into show business. Become the best of the best. In ten years he could return; maybe, with all luck and good fortune, Hinata would be free for the taking. He would hate to have to kill Naruto should that boy ever get in his way. If all went well, he could marry into a fine, solid family that would allow him to continue his own quest of vengeance. No one would ever suspect the sweet-tempered magician.

No one could ever search the trunk for bodies, much less be able to get near enough without being eaten themselves.

And if worse came to worst... Well, there was always eloping into the sunset, which he was fairly sure had a suitably romantic appeal that most girls were attracted to. Something about the forbidden, and love continuing through adversities, and other such junk. He didn't have a horse to ride on, but he was sure he could sweet-talk the trunk into giving him a lift.

But that is a story for another time, and there are still many more to tell...

* * *

One lone Sound-nin overlooked Sasuke's window. "Okay, so what do I do now?" he asked no one in particular as he scratched his head in confusion.

* * *

Against the wall, almost in the middle of the attic, was a bookshelf with various items arranged on it, all covered with dust. At the very top of the bookshelf was a smiling Buddha statue that seemed innocent as any other Buddha statue. Except that it possessed an aura of evil too great that even dust refused to settle upon it. So it waited.

The score so far – Statue: 2, Genin: 0.

"What are we supposed to be doing again?" Ino demanded as she looked around at the dust. Kiba remained silent, hugging Akamaru close to his chest lest he lose his best friend again.

The score to follow: Statue: 5, Genin: 0.

If anyone had ever truly explored the contents of the attic, they might have realized that the floorboards could be lifted up to reveal stashed documents and books, among of which was the picture album of the little old lady who always requested for the attic to be cleaned. Exploration of the photo album would have revealed pictures of one sallow-skinned, slant-eyed boy who would later become very famous, or notorious, depending on what sort of person he killed came to mind. It could be said that, having lived in a household as what this attic contained and no doubt having lived through most of what the items of the attic contained could do, was it any wonder how Orochimaru turned out as he did?

Would _you_ be sane if you had stuffed, animated monkeys clinging to your leg and calling you brother? Surely, lack of sleep from always warily watching for a trunk would drive anyone crazy.

And in the living room on the first floor, a little old lady rocked in her rocking chair, cackling sinisterly under her breath. As far as she was concerned, revenge tastes best when no one knows who is cooking.

* * *

Itachi scowled coldly at the wall as another Akatsuki member added to the list of complaints he had against Itachi: Itachi's failure, Itachi's partner ("And will you _please_ make him refrain from humping you in this briefing! Is it too much to ask? Un."), and everything else under the sun that had to do with Itachi, "And another thing, is it too much to ask if you'd remember to turn off the damn coffee pot before you leave? Is it, un? You ruined a perfectly good pot! Un."

Someone was going to die a pleasant death. Pleasant, at least, for Itachi. He could make no promises on the emotional state of the person who'd be doing the dying. And, he eyed Kisame, he knew precisely where he was going to start.

* * *

Behind its bars, the kyuubi paced restlessly, grumbling under its breath. There was no point in being quiet; without Naruto seeking it or its power, the demon could not be heard or felt. When Sakura had been in Naruto's body, Inner Sakura had served as some bizarre bridge between the conscious and the subconscious.

**You miss them,** said a voice suddenly, reverberating through the darkness. Like the kyuubi, it could neither be heard nor felt by Naruto.

_I do not! _

** Do too.**

_Do not!_

**Oh, come now. There's no point in denying it. Even I will admit that the female company was enjoyable, not to mention cute. **

_ I did not enjoy them because they were cute, I... Oh, damn it. _

**Now that this has been resolved, I'm bored. **

_This is the second time in thirteen years you've made yourself known, not including that time you stunned me when I called the Third a worthless shlump, and you're just now admitting to being bored? _There was a bit of resentful mumbling from the kyuubi that sounded suspiciously like, Typical that you entertain yourself and leave me here to my misery.

**It wasn't a stun; it was a pinch. Besides, Naruto isn't _that _bad. **

_ Says you. _

**You're not the only one who is stuck in this body. **

_Unlike a certain someone who is strapped across the barrier, I did not willfully choose to throw away my life in a desperate suicide attack, because I lacked other resources and ideas to accomplish a much-neater defeat. _I_ wasn't even asked! _

**What would you have done if you were me? **

There was a lengthy time of silence. And then, _Well, it wouldn't have been the hyperactive loudmouth._

** Sure, someone cute, like Sakura, I suppose. **

_ That vixen's forehead is too large and she has a split personality. _

** Why do you always refer to these _human _girls as _vixens_? **

Another lengthy time of silence.

**Getting back to that bit about being bored, would you like to play a game of Go Fish? **

_I most certainly would n— _

**So the demon thinks he cannot beat a puny human at a mere card game? **

_If you're so clever, then how does one play this game of cards without cards? _

There was shimmering inside the cage. An ethereal figure formed before the gigantic fox demon. The blond man in a white coat stood before the demon with a sardonic smile, and held up the pack of cards.

_Show-off. _

* * *

**author's notes:** Twelve chapters, sixty thousand words, and approximately one year later, I have finished. Truth be told, I had more fun writing this than should be considered healthy for most people. However, it has been scientifically proven that laughter is good for the heart, as well as the soul. So, for those of you who are now at a lower risk for heart attacks having read _Switched,_ go out and spread the good news! 

At the very end of a story, I kind of like to see the author put in a note about the history and making of a story. It's kind of interesting to know about the background, to see past the story to the twisted mind from which the story sprang. It all started with a crack idea, _what would happen if Inner Sakura and the nine-tailed fox demon met_? I consider these two my OTP-on-crack pairing for the _Naruto_ series. However, I am realistic: there really isn't much of a way the two could meet, unless Inner Sakura somehow got into Naruto's head (or belly button). Sakura and Naruto would just have to switch. Between then and the time I started, I saw two other stories on emerge that utlized the idea of switching bodies. Alas! They all lacked basic elements like, I dunno, a semi-comprehensible grasp on the English language, characterization, and plot. Plus, no Inner Sakura and kyuubi. :( Le sad Minnionette.

I'm the sort of person who believes that if I want something done right, I may have to do it myself. This idea could have been written seriously, because admittedly Naruto and Sakura were both in a miserable situation, or it could be written humorously. So I employed my usual tactic of humor: gathering together as many cliches in the fandom that I could find, and making fun of them.

Thus: Go Fish, a trunk, love potions, crack pairings, yaoi, angst, misery, laughter, love, learning, manipulation, stuffed monkeys, growing up, overcoming adversity, how to kill without violence or hatred, rare speckled underbelly squirrels, and friendship. This became a story about _life_. So, it's not exactly _my_ life, and most of you can probably say it's not exactly _your_ life either. But these are the qualities that great memories make.

And admittedly, where else is anyone ever going to find a plausible Inner Sakura/nine-tailed fox demon pairing ever again?

There were more ups than there were downs when it came to writing this story. I found a lot of support from my lj-friends, my real-life friends, and my little sister, who is quite disgusted with me for writing about the Facts O' Life and basic biological functions. Hey, whatever the plot demanded and wherever I could slip in a good joke, right? I would like to thank everyone who ever left a review, because I did derive satisfaction from knowing that this much humor crammed into a story is welcomed and enjoyed to no end.

I shall return in the future with more stories involving our friends from the _Naruto_ world. Some things are just too good to let go. However, returning to the actual universe in which the events of this story took place is highly unlikely. This is the last chapter for _Switched!_. There will be no installments, and no sequels. The story is as wrapped up as I'm going to get it, and life is about continuum. I will, of course, in the next few months come back now and then with a few changes in the chapter, mostly pertaining to corrections in grammar and story structure. I find it easier to make the corrections after I have distanced myself from the story and can return to it with a fresh outlook.

If anyone has any questions about the story that was not answered in this last chapter, feel free to email me at minnionette or leave your email address with a review. Also, if anyone could write a really good Kabuto/Hinata story as well, I'd muchly appreciate it. (Hey, I _know_ there is no reasoning for this relationship, but it's not like other pairings on have much to go on, either.)


End file.
